Many people know more about the location of nearby fast food places than the whereabouts of their close relatives. Whether it’s because of the necessity of survival through eating or the satisfaction one gets by buying food, the trend of depending on fast food and paying top dollar for it is starting to become something more than a cultural norm: it’s becoming a cultural necessity. Keeping that in mind, corporations are coming up with brilliant ways to make more money, while giving customers the same exact thing most of the time, and even less on many occasions. I have created and worked on a list of five new ideas that food companies may use in order to bring in millions more in profits.

Last year I presented you with a list of “10 interesting annoyances about Fast Food chains” that I thought was interesting to know. With almost every business aiming for profit and cuts in customer service, it seems that the old trend of a win-win situation is changing, where before both the seller and the buyer used to get the most out of a deal. Today, it’s a win-almost-won situation, where the businesses are winning, yet the customers are starting to lose more on every deal.

If you’re an executive at a corporation, you can hire me to bring these and many more plans to your company and let you use them, and at the same time provide consulting for each of the points to get the maximum output possible from each plan. Please contact me with details. Here is my list of 5 plans introducing new charges that you may see at fast food places in the near future. I call this list “Bes Z’s Top 5 new plans for fast food places.” When used properly and under my strict expert supervision, these plans can be used in many ways by management of different food corporations to bring in more revenue.

1. Wipe your mouth for a dollar

Napkins will cost extra with any order. Currently, many fast food places charge for giving you extra condiments like ketchup or mayonnaise. You pay for good quality burgers; why not pay for good quality napkins to wipe that ketchup off your face? Very soon two classes of fast food eaters will emerge because of this new plan. One will buy their napkins at the fast food, and the other will bring their own napkins. Sales of Levi Jeans is expected to soar, as people will prefer wiping off the mustard on their jeans rather than their dress pants.

2. Eat the greens or lose the dough

Having no vegetables on your burgers will cost extra. Vegetables are good for you according to many paranoid people, and soon parents will have lobbied and successfully convinced all fast food chains to require kids to eat vegetables. If it’s going to happen anyhow, why not use the plan right now to start charging extra if one decides to remove that tomato or lettuce? What better way to eat healthy food than to have healthy vegetables on an oil-soaked fast food burger? Also, remembering not to put an onion on a burger requires extra thinking on behalf of the fast food management; thus, having a customized burger with no vegetables reduces productivity. On top of that, if companies don’t put vegetables on burgers, the burgers are going to look extremely small. That’s not good, and also unacceptable.

Want no veggies? You gotta pay for your decision now. So far, many groups of parents show me their support for this plan. Veggies never tasted so good, and they never looked so expensive either. This plan will help in changing the traditional “Capitalistic” image of food corporations to the new “Capitalistic and helping our children eat veggies” image.

3. Buy it and go away or it’s more you gonna pay

Dining inside a fast food place will cost more, and having the food to go will not carry any extra charge. While there are still more people dining inside fast food places than in their cars, very soon you’ll be charged for even entering the premises or for eating inside. Cleaning the mess you left on a table requires a lot of courage on behalf of the cleaning staff, who have to refrain from crying while they wipe off the stains left on the tables by things dripping off your mouth. Even people who come into the store and buy stuff to take home sometimes pick up extra napkins and other things from inside the store and affect the #1 “Wipe your mouth for a dollar” plan above in a negative manner.

On top of that, hiring the cleaning staff wastes a lot of money; money that can be spent by the corporations on better things. For this plan to work I’ve created the “walk-thru” service, where people who don’t want to pay extra in order to dine in have to order food at an outside window and not be able to enter the store. Both the drive-thrus and my trademarked trademark walk-thru window will cost less than what it would cost to eat inside.

4. Use the bushes in the back or pay up front

You will be charged for using the restrooms. Eating food at someone’s house is a good thing, but using their restroom to lay waste everywhere is simply rude. Fast food places were created to fulfil your desire to eat, not your desire to go unload your stomach. A new cashier stand will be placed in front of all restrooms, where people will have to pay upfront in order to use the restrooms even if they already paid a lot for food in the same store. I’ve been approached by a few diaper companies to help them start a few lineups of adult diapers, as people will pay for diapers that will help them not use restrooms at fast food places when my plan is executed by the fast food companies.

I’m in the middle of negotiations between diaper companies and fast food corporations about my plan to have fast food places sell diapers along with food items, as part of a meal, at discounted prices. Some technical details, such as finding a place where a customer would put on the diaper, are still being worked out. Fast food places also have yet to plan any concrete countermeasure to the smell that will start brewing at their stores because of customers wearing diapers and not using restrooms all day long, though I’m working on that vigorously.

5. Stalk your sexy cashier legally for a small fee

You’ll be charged extra for choosing the gender of the cashier. Since innovation happens every century or so at big businesses, the best new thing is to give your order to someone while feeling sexually aroused at the same time. Sure, it’s considered sick by many people, but there’s money to be made here. This also reduces the chances of any cashier becoming surprised when being hit on by a customer, or vice versa, since everyone will already know they will definitely be stalked afterwards; it’s going to become a legal right, as the customer will be paying pay for the service.

Some additions to the plan were suggested by fast food companies in the early stages of this draft that allowed customers to pay an extra fee, in addition to the initial additional charge, to find out things like the working hours of an employee or their home address. I didn’t find such plans to be safe, though, so the fast food places scrapped any such additions to the plan. To execute this plan, fast food places will allow customers to stand in two main lines: “For women“, and “For men.” The female line will have female customers and male cashiers, while the male line will have male customers and female cashiers. I’ve been approached and requested by several Gay and Lesbian community representatives and groups to accommodate their members into the plan also. I’ve upgraded the plan to allow having four lines instead of two: “For women“, “For men“, “Men for men“, and “Women for women.”

I was also approached by a few religious organizations who recommended I have separate lines based on the religious preference of a customer. At this moment, I cannot accept any such plans because of childhood memories of standing in lines based on religion and class, and also because many people objected to religious people stalking people of the same religion. However, some religious people had no problem stalking people belonging to a competing religion, and that’s what totally freaked me out. Also, when it comes to money, corporations don’t care about one’s religion. However, corporations do care about sexual preferences and stalking people, as that’s the new fad that’s seen as a positive thing by many people today, and thus has a lot of potential to bring in huge amounts of money.

There are no plans yet to introduce separate lines for transvestites and transsexuals yet, though I’ve been approached by such organizations as well. They should be addressed in the later part of the plan drafting.

These are the top 5 plans I’m working on to make it easier for corporations to do business while giving unique services to their customers.

What do you think about the above points? Is there any point or plan that should be added or analyzed further? As for me, I’m going to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) now, so I’ll stop here. If you liked any of these points, I’ve got a hundred more in the works also; you can contact me and hire me to allow you to use these and many more points, and to have me provide consulting too. Thank you for reading.