Disagree with arguments, not with people who argue
I regularly see people disagreeing over different things both online and offline. People try to prove others wrong in even the smallest of arguments. While you may win an argument by proving someone wrong, you will not actually make that person realize and respect the validity of your argument. When arguing, try to disagree with the argument in question, and not with the person arguing with you. When you focus on disagreeing with the argument at hand only you are basically telling the other person you are not attacking them directly and are instead trying to show why your argument may be valid. Such a method of disagreement will make the other person reconsider their own argument.
Do not make an argument personal
When you argue about something, you are basically saying the other person is wrong about that thing. Such an interpretation is natural and instant. You have to go an extra step and show that you are attacking the argument only and not the other person. If you disagree with a person instead of their argument, you make the whole argument a personal issue. When it comes to personal issues, people automatically become defensive. I have seen several relationships since childhood, both business and personal, where people in different situations focused on showing that the other person was wrong instead of disagreeing with what had happened. Most of such relationships ended in disasters. The more you disagree with a person directly, the more the other person will feel defensive in an argument.
Only the other person can let you win an argument
Disagree with arguments and make friends with people who have different views. If you cannot do that, disagree with issues and be a stranger to other people. That is better than making others think you are trying to prove them wrong. Talk about the issue, and focus on the arguments. Never argue to prove you are right. If you are right and argue only about the validity of your points in an argument, the other person will acknowledge with their own free will that you are right about a certain issue. That is the only way in my view an argument should be won.
(5 votes, average: 4.4 out of 5)
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( February 14th, 2007 at 4:04 pm )
I’m going to argue with you about your use of the word “ting.”
( February 15th, 2007 at 7:56 am )
One of the best posts on your blog.
Its funny how people just ruin years old friendship over a single argument.
( February 16th, 2007 at 6:55 am )
Valerie, heh, thanks for pointing out the typo. It now says “thing”, as it was supposed to originally.
You are right; many people tend to sacrifice friendship because they want to win an argument that might not be worth fighting for in the first place, regardless of who was/is right or wrong.
Sawai, thank you. I really appreciate the nice words.
( February 16th, 2007 at 6:20 pm )
These are wise words indeed. I’ve been involved in a lot of negotiations through my work and they always go much smoother when the debate focuses on the idea. It’s not always easy, but it certainly does produce the best results.
( February 17th, 2007 at 8:27 pm )
Marc, thanks for the comment. That’s a very good example. Focusing on the issue that is the source of the conflict is better than focusing on the participants of an argument to pick on.
( February 20th, 2007 at 10:57 pm )
[...] things personally when someone disagrees with you. If you really get upset over a comment, try to disagree with the comment and not the person who commented. Regardless of people being right or wrong, if you get upset over anyone who disagrees with you, it [...]
( March 1st, 2007 at 10:57 am )
Good points.
( March 1st, 2007 at 2:51 pm )
Thank you Iwo.
( March 25th, 2007 at 12:53 am )
[...] not looking for the truth. They are instead looking for ways to prove that they are not wrong. Try not to make an argument personal. You never know how some people may react when they think you are trying to act smarter than them. [...]
( May 24th, 2007 at 12:29 am )
[...] Arguments in the offline world can result in married couples and best friends hating each other forever, so it is no surprise that even the smallest of online arguments can result in powerful grudges. Just like any argument, just because you argue logically or think you are right does not mean you will be appreciated for voicing your opinion. An argument itself should be avoided, since forcing someone to agree with you contradicts the idea of making someone believe in something voluntarily. Also, bloggers should try to disagree with arguments, not with people who argue. [...]
( May 24th, 2007 at 8:44 am )
Yes, it’s all about choosing the right words:
“I disagree with your point of view, and here’s why…”
instead of
“I disagree with you, because you don’t know what you’re talking about…”
( May 24th, 2007 at 11:50 am )
Good example Vivien-inspirationbit.
Maybe I should post something outlining some good and some not-so-good examples of words that can start and end arguments?
( June 2nd, 2007 at 1:01 am )
[...] hurts your character or personality. If you disagree with someone for any reason, you focus only on disagreeing with arguments, not with people who disagree with you. If you want to disagree with someone or something, you express your frustration without forcing [...]
( July 4th, 2007 at 4:08 pm )
Hi Reasoner
Excellent stuff! It’s great to see someone setting an example of how to successfully argue a point without it ending in bruises, blackeyes, tears - or worse.
Keep up the good work, and don’t forget to include examples in amongst your theory. Being dyslexic, I find it hard going without anything tangible I can relate to and a hilarous story always works wonders
Cheers
mischief
( July 6th, 2007 at 12:14 am )
Mischiefdebs, thank you so much for commenting! I love it when someone goes to any post that is more than a few days old and reads it and offers me any opinion.
I am glad that you like this article. Yes, heh, it is nicer to end an argument in any manner other than to be physically hurt [or the mentally equivalent of physically hurt, which I am sure many people can manage to do to themselves]. I think many people start getting too defensive, even when a question is aimed at an idea and not themselves. Sometimes, people associate an idea so closely with their own life, they feel threatened by anything that aims to question that idea. Political affiliation can be an example of this. It may not be bad to hold onto an idea, but I think it can be bad if we cannot let go of that attachment in order to be unbiased and friendly to someone else in order to prove our point and show, logically, that after we have considered all other alternatives and claims, we still believe in the thing we believe in. That way, not only can one end a dispute, one can even have greater chances of building relationships with the person who disputed things.
Once again, thank you! I am going to do my best to write something similar in the future and if you have any ideas or suggestions, please let me know.
I can edit this post to include more examples and make it better, or write a new post too. Just wondering: in your view, can it be a sample, fictitious and humorous story, or is it better to have real life examples that are funny?
Thanks yet again! I really appreciate it, and I hope I will see more comments and suggestions from you.
Off-topic: Your comment came at a very wonderful time: on another site that I write for, Reader Appreciation Project, the very thing you mentioned can help a lot in a disagreement about 2 things revolving around the same people and the same idea: “How to present questions and answers” and “Questioning ideas and opposing questions that question ideas.”
( October 23rd, 2007 at 5:55 pm )
thanks this helps alote. me and my dad argue so much and he always get mad because i get defensive but now i know because hes always sayin you are wrong all the time
( October 23rd, 2007 at 5:56 pm )
thanks
( October 24th, 2007 at 7:47 pm )
Thanks for the comment William. You can focus on the issue, and slowly and hopefully, he can focus on the issue too. You can even say “Ok, let’s talk about the issue, how would you want it handled?” or “How do you prefer this to be taken care of? I can tell you if I can try to do that the way you like it.”
Basically, the idea is to divert your Dads’ attention to the issue instead of you and showing him that you are not arguing with him but trying to show why you think in a certain manner and that you are listening to him and can do things that can make him happy also in whatever argument is happening, the way you already recognize it. You don’t have to completely give up and do everything the other person says in an argument. Explain yourself also, mention what you want/need/like/hate/etc too. Getting defensive is understandable, by the way, so don’t worry about that part. If you focus on the issue and divert attention to it, you will see wonders. Let us/me know how it goes, as I want to learn too. Good luck!
( December 4th, 2007 at 10:16 am )
Well, I think the reason people argue about simple things is because it is easy to have an opinion about something simple. Everybody can have an opinion about something that is easy to understand. You will notice that people won’t argue about something that is difficult to understand. I always see polititians arguing about the stupidist things… Is intelligence linked to argumentativeness??
( February 17th, 2008 at 12:56 pm )
Hi Janco. Thank you for your comment [and sorry for the delay in my response]. That is a very good point: it can be very easy for majority, if not all, people to immediately have an opinion about things, specially things that appear to be simple in some manner.
I think intelligence is somehow related to the idea of arguing or questioning, and the level and reason behind such a question. The relation, in my view, shows what kind of an intelligence one is pursuing or is currently living with or opting to have. Of course, different people may judge or form an opinion of such a relation itself in different ways.
In your view, do you think arguments can be done away with completely?
( March 19th, 2008 at 5:31 pm )
[...] it, you can see a lot of trends that go along with that I said in a previous post titled “Disagree with arguments, not with people who argue.” Also, one can see from Valerie’s experience above as to how the shape of a site can [...]