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Example of online communication hindering your ability to deal with interruptions

Take the concept of interruptions, for example. Some people I know are starting to get frustrated right away if someone interrupts them in any manner during discussions. If you are such a person, you probably used to be all right with interruptions before they dove deep into the world of online chats. Why do you get frustrated then? Because in the online world, you keep typing stuff while not feeling interrupted.

Even if someone types something while you are typing, you can probably still get full attention for your written words in an online chat window. However, when you say something in real life and someone disagrees or interrupts you, you feel offended, even if you usually interrupt others, even if you usually interrupt others, as you have probably gotten used to not feeling interrupted while chatting on different instant messengers.

Example of how having experience in online dispute management does not mean you are good at dealing with disputes in person

Similarly, take the concept of arguments and disputes. Some people have started to forget how to negotiate or how to make someone feel better. I met a friend recently who provides online customer support for a greeting cards company. He answers a lot of e-mails to calm down many upset customers, and to find a resolution to customer issues. While I was having lunch with him, he accidentally pushed back his chair to stand up to get more napkins, and caused a nearby woman to drop her soda on her clothes. She was furious, as she had to go back to office with those wet clothes. Even though my friend started apologizing, the woman kept getting more upset every second. I then realized why: my friend was saying only one word “sorry” again and again while looking around and at the floor, nervously.

Sometimes, people need to be looked into the eyes to be shown that someone is sorry for their behavior. Even my friend said later “I think it would have been better if I had looked her in the eye and acknowledged that I understand.” Now, even if that method had not worked, at least my friend would have tried something. Imagine someone who is experienced at resolving online disputes, but does not know how to calm down an upset person in person.

It is important to realize which skills are better suited for online communication, and which skills are better for offline communication

As more and more people dive into the world of blogging, we are slowly losing track of how our online communication skills are affecting and changing our offline communication skills, and vice versa. Some changes are good in my view, while others simply hinder effective communication as I am experiencing lately.

I am sensing that as people get more comfortable chatting online, some people are starting to confuse the thin line that separates the way we behave online and the way we behave in person. It may be all right to tell someone online “I am so sorry ” in an online chat window, but if you say that in the offline world, you facial expression, your body, your behavior and everything you control needs to reflect the sorry state that you just expressed to someone. Otherwise, you are probably going to look like a fool and may end up hurting someone unintentionally.

What is your opinion on this?

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1. Check for broken outgoing links

   As time passes, many websites just disappear. Because of that, many pages you link to in your blog posts will no longer exist after a year or so. Similarly, I have noticed many sites like Yahoo News changing their news links a lot, so some of the articles I have linked to in the past no longer work.

   Try to see if you can use a plugin or a script to go through all your outgoing links and check them for accuracy. Otherwise, you can manually go through random outgoing links to find links that point to dead pages, and to replace them with something else if possible.

2. Improve blog based on what users are looking for

   This one can revolve solely around the search keywords that people use to find and browse your site. You should study the list of keywords people use on search engines like Yahoo and Ask, and you should also study the list of keywords people use within your own blog to find a specific post.

   For example, I regularly have people searching for a few keywords on my site which yield no results. Check out the following search entry, “mySQL query error: INSERT INTO ibf_member_extra” that someone searched on my site recently:

   

   The first number “1” shows that one person searched for it, and the “0” means there was no search result. Whoever searched for that keyword probably ran away, never to come back to my site. That is sad! After seeing the above search keyword, I remembered writing something about it long time ago. Of course, my site’s search was not showing any such results, so I opened my database and searched through all the posts and found the result: Validating members bug in Invision Forums, a bug fix for Invision Power Forums I wrote back in June of 2004. Now I have to fix the search results so that anyone searching for that keyword will find the appropriate post. That is how the maintenance for this specific point is done on a regular basis.

3. Improve your site’s usability

   This one should be an ongoing project. As long as you do not change the entire site design frequently which results in everyone getting confused, changing small colors, fonts or the way you word things should help you make your website easier to understand and use for your readers. For example, Andrea Micheloni recently commented on my site and suggested something about better usability through better colors:

   Suggestion about The Reasoner text box input colors, by Andrea Micheloni

   If I can, I’d suggest you to change the color of text in input boxes: gray on light blue doesn’t contrast enough. And blue s can be confused with links, maybe try a different color”

   That is a very good suggestion, and you should feel really lucky if your readers start giving you suggestions. I feel happy and lucky because of that suggestion. Upon further observation, I realize that the colors do in fact cause some confusion. I am going to change my site soon to implement that suggestion to improve The Reasoner’s usability. Thank you Andrea!

4. Ask users/readers what they want on the site

   This is something you can do on a regular basis. Allow people to contact you easily if you have any questions. Publicize your contact page so much that anyone who thinks of finding out more about you thinks of your Contact page first.

   For example, I try to tell everyone to contact me through the contact page. That page lists multiple ways to contact me, including contacting me via my cell phone. The best feedback I get is from you. Usually, if a person makes a site, that person is probably going to like it because they made it. Bloggers should look at things from different perspectives, and asking users for suggestions is a good step in that direction. Polls and forums are also good ways to ask readers for suggestions. Remember to actually listen to your readers when you ask them for suggestions through comments or polls.

5. Check your blog stats to see what things are working and what needs improvement

   Vivien suggested this while we were discussing this article. You can check your RSS feed and site stats regularly to see which posts are getting attention, and which posts are always lonely. By checking these stats, you can see which pages result in more views, which result in less views, and so on. That will allow you to see if certain pages have some elements which are either attracting visitors or scaring them away.

   Also, your site stats can tell you if changing various things results in more or less people coming to your site. Those various things can include changing the layout, colors, fonts, types of posts, new features to the site like forums, etc.

Those are the 5 blog maintenance task that I think you can work on regularly. These 5 tasks can help you optimize your blog on a regular basis.

What do you think of the above? What are some of the things you work on regularly to keep your blog up and running nicely?

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Use the feeling of boredom to do things

No matter what you do to avoid the feelings of boredom, you do it in order to avoid having the feelings of boredom. You should use the power of boredom to do things that need to be done, things that you usually avoid for various reasons. Random things like reading, house chores, business chores, interacting with others, and even blogging or taking care of different things related to your blog; all of these and more can be done when you are bored.

Boredom can be a powerful motivational tool

You may be spending a lot of time trying to find out the elements in your life that motivate you to do different things, both offline and online. What you may not be realizing is that you can also focus on the times when you are bored to find any motivation you can to do something useful. If you feel bored on a regular basis, instead of doing random things just to pass the boredom, do useful things that you would otherwise find boring. That way, you can convert the idea of boredom into something that motivates and prompts you to do useful things.

What do you think?

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Car rental company gave away my reserved and paid for rental car because of my flight being late

Then the rental car I was expecting from Advantage Rent A Car in Los Angeles because of my travel reservations through Expedia was not available anymore because of my flight being late. Then the car rental company charged me almost 4 times the amount to get me a brand new PT Cruiser, 2007 edition, which was the only thing they had left. Then the rental company gave me wrong directions to downtown Los Angeles, which were supposed to be shortcuts but resulted in me wasting an hour trying to find my way in a place I had moved away from less than 3 months ago.

People told me after I flew down around 500 miles that they needed more papers

Then the business people I had to go visit told me that they needed some more documents that they had forgotten to ask me before. Then the university appointment I had got canceled because of me being late. I was told to come later at night. Then when I got there, I was told that the professors in question had already left for the day, even though they told me earlier in the day that they wanted to see me. I also canceled 2 other appointments because of me being late due to the rental car.

Hotel reservation and computer at hotel both messed up

The hotel reservation got changed because Advantage Rent A Car notified Expedia that I had came to a new agreement with them for the rental car, resulting in the hotel reservation getting canceled for unknown reasons. Expedia support told me that I needed to book again and apologized. After getting the hotel room, the computer at the hotel that I had reserved for going online had a broken space bar, something that I have experienced in the past. Thus, every space you see in this post required me to push the central space bar connector built into the keyboard very hard, resulting in a lot of time spent going through the entire post to make sure I have the necessary spaces and that I do not have any extra spaces.

I met good friends at night

Later in the night, I met a few friends I had not met for a long time, and even though our meeting was very short, it was good.

Should I look for something to blame, or should I be happy because of what happened later in the night?

Here is the golden question: Who should be blamed for these series of blamable events? Here is the priceless question: should anyone or anything be blamed at all? This is a normal day in Southern California, but it seems like a waste of energy compared to what can be accomplished with better planning:

List of blamable events

• If only I had waken up a few minutes earlier.
• If only I had printed important things the prior night.
• If only the plane had left on time.
• If only the rental car was ready for me the minute I landed.
• If only the rental car company would not argue with someone who just posted about the dangers of telling someone they are wrong.
• If only the rental car company would give correct directions.
• If only I would not ask for directions.
• If only I had been told that more papers were needed for a business meeting.
• If only the university could reschedule me for another appointment soon.
• If only the professors would stay after their late night class instead of telling me to come while they leave early to head for the bars.
• If only appointments could be rescheduled when you call people in advance, instead of being told “Sorry, I can only cancel appointments at this time but you have to call between 8 am and noon to make new appointments.“
• If only Expedia would not cancel entire itineraries simply because some part of a trip changed due to the mentality of a car rental company.
• If only the space bar on this computer did not warrant more attention than the rest of the keyboard.

So tell me, my online friend: would you look at this day as a way to see who to blame based on “If only“, or would you look at this day as a day you met good friends?

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Telling someone they are wrong can be like telling them they are inferior

When you tell someone they are wrong, you make an argument very personal. When people are arguing about a personal argument, they are usually not looking for the truth. They are instead looking for ways to prove that they are not wrong. Try not to make an argument personal. You never know how some people may react when they think you are trying to act smarter than them. Why would people think that? Because when you tell someone they are wrong, it means you are smart enough to realize that they are wrong. People do not like to feel inferior compared to someone else. Instead of telling people they are wrong, tell them why an argument may not be logical, or why another argument may be better.

If you simply must tell others that they are wrong, first tell them that you maybe wrong

Instead of telling people they are wrong, first find anything in their argument that you can agree on. Online, through your reactions, even acknowledging the fact that you may have made a mistake or that you understand the logic others used when saying something shows that that you agree with someone’s criticism. That someone will then try to not be too defensive, since you already agreed to something and they got a sense of relief that you are starting to understand their viewpoint. How can someone argue with you when they see you accepting their ideas and admitting to your own mistakes?

If you still want to show that others are wrong, first admit that you may be wrong, and then pursue the situation with something that will convince them voluntarily that they may be wrong. Try to show the other side the facts that may make them realize their own mistakes. People never like being told they are wrong since they feel embarrassed over such a pinpointing by other people. Compared to being told they are wrong, people will love admitting they are wrong on their own, since that shows they have the skills to analyze a situation and they have the courage to admit mistakes. Many people love exhibiting such traits.

Convince people something is right instead of telling them they they are wrong

If you want to convince people that something is wrong, you have to show them why you think something else is right. Showing people they are wrong may get you agreements in heated arguments, but those people will hate you for forcing them to realize in public, whether on the internet in front of millions of people or in person in front of you, that they were wrong and you were right.

The basic idea of this entire article can summarized into one question: Do you like the idea of people realizing why you think something is right, or do you like the idea of telling and showing people that they are wrong?

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An example of how not to follow advice without thinking

A long time ago, one of the community college students I was counseling came to me for help. Her boyfriend was giving her advice about something that she did not want to follow. At the same time, however, she felt obligated to follow his advice because of being in the relationship. Her boyfriend was sincerely giving advice since it had worked for him in the past.

In my view, however, what he was recommending did not apply well to the girlfriend’s situation. I told her to listen to what I had to suggest, and then to think about the benefits and pitfalls of both her boyfriend’s advice and my suggestions. She could then do whatever she pleased since it was her life. She thanked me and went on her way.

Last week, she sent me a text message out of the blue to thank me for helping her back then. Did she follow her boyfriend’s advice? No. Did she follow my suggestions then? No. She did something interesting instead. She took my suggestions, combined it with her boyfriend’s advice and came up with her own unique solution that even her boyfriend was happy with.

Ask for advice only to incorporate it into your own solution

You should not follow any advice without analyzing, dissecting and customizing the advice to suit your own situation. The advice other people give you is a result of their thinking and their past experience. Thus, you cannot simply keep following other people’s advice without thinking about how such advice fits your thinking, your experience, and your current situation. Ask for help only when you are ready to help yourself and when you try to come up with your own solution also.

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Online, it is easy to criticize others as people can simply say “that’s not true” and move on to other websites, leaving you with the burden of dealing with a disagreement that is probably visible to everyone else who comes to your site. Many bloggers usually feel the need to respond to all disagreeing comments, even if they have the habit of not responding to most of the comments their blog gets. The Art Of Reacting To Criticizing Comments helps you realize if you should react to comments, why you want to react to comments, and how you should react to comments.

Think well before reacting to criticizing comments

If you are being criticized in any manner, many people will usually expect you to respond right away. Do not focus on such people; focus on the criticism and your thoughts. Take your time to think before reacting. You have to figure out if your reaction is even necessary in the first place. Sometimes people simply say things and do not expect you to disagree with them as those people may simply be expressing something without intending to criticize you.

If you are sure that you are being criticized through a comment and that you must respond to such a comment, think well and take your time before even planning out your reaction, unless you are short on time. Plan out your words if you have to. You want to express your opinion and also want people to feel less defensive when dealing with you. Your reactions to criticizing comments have more power to destroy your reputation or make passionate admirers than most other elements in your blogging and socializing style.

What do you want to accomplish through your response to a criticizing comment?

Before you start typing out your response defending what you said and criticizing the person who criticized you, think about what you want to accomplish through your response to a comment that disagrees with you. When you figure out the goals you wish to accomplish through your response, you can easily come up with a good response to any disagreeing comment you may receive. Following are some of the common questions bloggers can consider when they respond to people who criticize their opinions.

Some questions to help you figure out your goal when responding to criticizing comments:

• “Do I want to make friends out of enemies?”

  If you want to win over the people who criticize you, you have to respond in such a way that does not offend the people who are already criticizing you. At the same time, you have to make them understand your side of the story.

• “Do I want to show that I am right and others are wrong?”

  If you want to show that you stand by what you said and that the people criticizing you are the ones that should be criticized for being wrong, you have to respond in a way that shows you are right while also proving that the other person is wrong.

  As with all other goals, be very careful with this choice, as people may feel offended even more because of being told that they are wrong.

• “Do I want to show that I realize any mistake I may have made in my initial assumptions?”

  If you want to show that you realize you may have made a mistake, you have to respond in a way that acknowledges the other person being right while showing how you realized you were wrong.

• “Do I want to acknowledge that other people may be right in their own perspective and that I may be right at the same time in my own view?”

  A unique thing you can do is to show others that they can have an opinion that is valid while you can also have an opinion that is valid at the same time. You should only do this when you know how to back up such a claim, as providing insufficient evidence with such a tactic shows that you are unwilling to admit your mistake even when you realize the other person is right.

When you realize what you wish to accomplish in your response to someone who is criticizing you, you can easily focus on things that are important to the issue at hand. This will allow you to focus on the elements that can avoid any unnecessary confrontations with people who disagree with you.

3 Common ways to react to online criticism

When you find out what you wish to accomplish through your response, you can then decide how you wish to accomplish writing such a response. Usually there are 3 main ways you can write a response to any criticizing comment: attacking people back, telling people to understand your opinion, and simply observing and acknowledging that other people can have different opinions. Each one is discussed as follows:

1. Reacting by attacking the commentor

   One of the ways to react with people who criticize you is to criticize them back. Usually, when you think you are saying something that is justified, you may want to show others how they are wrong and you are right. Such a reaction is powerful since it shows people that you are willing to disagree with people. However, if not done correctly, it may show your readers that you do not respect any criticism.

   This is what the famous site “The Consumerist” did recently when people started criticizing it over its habit of using people’s pictures without their permission. Ben Popken, representing The Consumerist, responded back by criticizing the people who did not want their photos published without permission. What was the result? Many people started losing their faith in the site, and the entire image of The Consumerist got a dark stain that will stick around and be brought up for a while. Why? Because such a comment by Ben on behalf of The Consumerist implies that people who think differently are not welcome to that site, something which I discussed in my last article called “5 Myths of Personal Blogs.”

   While such a reaction can show your authority and also explain why you are passionate about the things you believe in, this reaction can also alienate you from your readers if people misinterpret your reaction and think that you are simply trying to show that others are wrong.

2. Reacting by going after the criticizing comment

   Another way of reacting to criticizing comments and to show that you are right is to stick to discussing the comment in question and criticizing the very comment that criticizes you, instead of criticizing the commentor. When you go after the issue at hand and not the other person, you open up ways where people will feel less defensive and will be able to admit their mistakes easily if they were wrong even a little bit. Like I said before, disagree with arguments, not with people who argue.

   This is what Valerie does for some of the comments that attack her personally because of her popular post titled “Why Geek Squad, Best Buy, and Compaq all suck.” She sometimes responds to criticizing comments that try to construe the facts, or focus on irrelevant issues, by sticking to the facts. Thus, she is able to not only show that she is right, but she also focuses on facts to ensure that people realize that this is something that should be decided based on facts, and not personal emotions.

   By focusing on the facts of the issue instead of the people, you are making any argument less personal, and therefore allowing other people to be less defensive. Such a reaction can show people that you are willing to listen to others and are willing to explain your opinion to others. This will result in people wanting to explain their feelings also, resulting in a small discussion type thing where things will slowly focus on discussing different aspects about the topic in question in order to come to a mutual understanding.

3. Reacting by maintaining a distance

   This is the 3rd most common reaction I see on blogs. If someone leaves you a comment that criticizes you or your post personally, you can also react by not responding to most of the negative comments you get and focus on only a few comments in order to show the general public that you respect other peoples opinions. Such an acknowledgment on your part simply disarms people who may be offended by something you wrote.

   This is the stance that I think Ronald took most of the time when many people got upset over his post titled “Things You Should Avoid Blogging About.” Instead of attacking people personally the way he was attacked by many people due to that post, he simply stayed away from the situation and maintained a distance. The issue was related to what he had written and not him, so slowly people started focusing more and more on the topic at hand and less on the author himself.

   By simply acknowledging that different opinions exist and not defending yourself, you can show others that you understand why other people are criticizing you, and at the same time, you acknowledge that you respect them even if you do not like their comments. People will respect you for that.

In addition to the above 3 usual types of reactions to criticizing comments, you can come up with other types of reactions, or combine any of the above three together in order to come up with your own special reaction.

Learning the art of responding to criticizing comments can help you learn and will also earn you more admirers

Unless you are looking to pick a fight, you should try to respond to criticizing comments only when you yourself are calm. You can be calm and at the same time be criticizing others as a response to their criticizing comments. You should plan out your reaction to such people and their comments, figure out what you want to achieve and carry out your response effectively to make sure you achieve what you set as a goal for your reaction. “The Art of Reacting to Criticizing Comments” can hopefully help you treat every criticizing comment can as an opportunity to solve conflicts and create good examples for others to follow.

What is your opinion about this? How do you deal with people who criticize you and what you have to say on your blog?

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