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An example: some parts of a day in the life of the Bygone Initiative Advocate

So what you do is you get up in the morning and get ready and leave the house. If you forget your house or car keys inside the house and lock yourself out, do not worry: let bygones be bygones. You can think about it later when you get back home. You take the bus to work or wherever you are going. You get on and you pay the bus driver. If you forget to pay the bus driver and he/she says that you have not paid, say the magic words to the bus driver: “Let bygones be bygones.” Are you starting to understand the power of the Bes Bygone Initiative now? You do not do things to get away with them. You do things and after they are done, there is no crying over it. Absolutely no crying at all. Unless, of course, you drop chocolate or your ice cream melts onto the floor; then it is all right to cry².

You get to the coffee shop and order some coffee that you do not like. Once you get the coffee and drink it, it tastes horrible to you, but you remember the golden sentence. You are very happy, since happiness itself is a manifestation of the thing already happening, and you drink it all. Your stomach feels bad, and after throwing up, you are happy since it has happened already. You walk around and meet people you know, and you tell them what your current bygone day is all about. When they ask you if you are stupid or simply listening to some online person too much. You respond with the golden sentence: “No need to worry, forget about it, talk about something else, it’s already happened.” Other people will love you for saying that and flock around you to see who this smart person is. Or they will simply tell you they forgot to do something and walk away.

The Bygone Initiative

What I am thinking and planning here is an actual reaction: whatever action you do, without focusing on the reaction, your reaction can be more of a “it happened, no reason to place any blame or worry about it - time to focus on how to move on or how to cope with it” kind of mentality. Of course, if you think it in term of that quote, it sounds more of a strict philosophy than the cool version of “let bygones be bygones“, no? You will feel more positive in a more honest fashion, instead of the fake honesty that everyone is told to show in their faces today, the way they tell the customer support people at gun point to “smile because they can feel that smile over the phone.” With the bygone initiative, you will feel happier in a more sincere manner and naturally, instead of forcing yourself to feel happier or to put on a fake attitude of positiveness, since you will realize that negative things can happen and that all you can do is to focus on now and the upcoming history, instead of only your past. Your reaction to this very article may let you know whether you can look at the happy and funny things in life, or if you are the person who forces everyone to request your permission to talk to you before they can, well, hmm, talk to you.

The Silver Bygone rule

There is only one rule to this initiative: you do not do things for the sole purpose of following the Bygone Initiative, and instead you follow the bygone initiative once you have done something without thinking or looking forward to the bygone reaction. You cannot start any action for the sole purpose of having the end result be a bygone - things should happen naturally, and the end result, only when it is encountered, should be a bygone. No thought should be given to the bygone before or after that stage - that is the key to this initiative. Otherwise you will destroy the whole Bes’s Bygone Initiative and force someone to put on a fake smile and say “Let bygones be bygones *cough*” - we would not want that, would we?

7 random bygone actions

Here are some bygone trends and practices that should make you wonder if I am listing these to support them or if I am listing these to give you an idea of what a small difference in an understanding can do to our daily lives.

1. You hit someone and since the action is already done, let bygones be bygones.
2. You eat the food at the supermarket before paying for it at the cashier. When you are confronted by the security, you know exactly what to say, right?
3. You write a post and then move on completely, ignoring all the comments and responses to that post. Oh wait, many bloggers already do this! Never mind.
4. You take someone with you to be your driving companion to San Francisco and when you get lost, you simply say “It’s done - this is our new destination.” You end up in Canada and you tell the passenger “Our new home - like it? “
5. When someone hurts you mentally, you give them a dollar and say “Already done - let bygones be bygones. Now go spend it on something good.“
6. If someone hits you, physically, you give them half a dollar. You do not need to say anything in this case - most probably you will be hit a few times until you have given up all the cash in your pockets. That will teach you to carry only a $1.50 cash in your pocket and have a credit card.³
7. Wake up late due to sleeping late and get to work. When anyone at works lets you know that you are late, say “Wait - I thought we are focusing on the now and not the thing that already happened? Want to know what I read online recently? let me e-mail you the link….“
8. Run after a thief who stole something from you and when you get a hold of them, say “Let bygones be bygones, and let bygones be stolen too, pat the thief on the back, smile, dust off any dust from his/her clothes, and walk away without getting the thing that was stolen. Turn around if you want to see the confused thief still standing there.
9. Call your credit card company and say “It’s already happened - already bought things and paid for them. Let’s forgive and forget, shall we?” Unfortunately, you will realize that the credit card companies and their allies of today are not true believers of the Bygone Initiative.

The above reactions can add a level of BesBygoneism into your life, which can make you much, much happier in many situations, or at least think of life in a more positive or realistic manner. Please note that some situations may result in your getting physically hurt, but as long as your mind is happy, let the past be in the past, right?

What is your view of Bes’s Bygone Initiative?

What do you think? Has any of this made any sense, or are you wondering when I will start talking about the real article? Should I myself simply let bygones be bygones and consider this thought or your reaction as something in the past?

No need to cry now - it’s done. You have read this thought of mine and nothing can make you forget it instantly, other than drinking a lot of orange juice or attacking a cat and getting attacked in return as a distraction. You can try telling the cat “let bygones be bygones you aggressive feline beast“, but I doubt that will lessen your punishment.

Thank you for reading.

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Now you should realize that many times these labels are there when certain situations may result in a customer or a person, like myself, to not fully realize the warning automatically. For example, if a knife has a beautiful, non-standard handle that may look artistic, something happens in my head and without thinking, I usually try to look at that handle, by holding it from the sharp end and not realizing it before doing that. Thus, the below warning signs are for me, probably. I present to you some of the many, many physical warning signs I can think of.

1. Warning - This milk comes from cows that are made to give milk involuntarily.
2. Warning - This animal may attack back if attacked.
3. Warning - After microwaving, this product will be hot.
4. Warning - These sleeping pills will make you drowsy¹.
5. Warning - Plugging things into the electrical wall socket/outlet will result in electricity being consumed.
6. Warning - Driving this car may result in you not being in the exact original spot as when you were not driving this car.
7. Warning - This red wine may cause stain if spilled on some cloth-type texture.
8. Warning - Putting things other than dirty clothes in this washing machine will cause those things to become wet.
9. Warning - This knife is sharp and may cut from at least one part of this knife.
10. Warning - After finishing reading TheReasoner.com website, your watch or clock may still show the exact same time as when you started reading the site, though the author does not know if that is a good or a bad thing.
11. Warning - Eating the cookies in this box will mean there will be fewer cookies left afterwards than what the store gave you.
12. Warning - This ice may turn into water after prolonged periods of time outside of a cold freezer.
13. Warning - This door lock may lock you outside if you do not have the door lock key to unlock the door lock.
14. Warning - Consuming this food may cause you to not feel as hungry as you did before consuming this food.
15. Warning - Using your bank account debit card to purchase something may result in your bank account balance to decrease.

There you go: 15 of the many other labels you can start making yourself to put around different things to warn you about different things. I am already working on creating the above and other labels and placing them on many things, though placing the related warnings on the neighborhood cats needs a good plan that I am working on.

Warning - these words exist to tell you that this article is coming to a close

Please let me know if you have any other warning signs you think can come in handy. From the melting ice to the strike at hunger, you can now realize that if you ever encounter the above situations, you can go “OMG! Bes had warned me about this!!”

Thank you for reading.

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The below Twitter messages exist just because Twitter exists, and just because one can Twitter, and because one cannot think of any other reason to Twitter, and just to increase Twitter followers³. It seems that the same mentality that has turned innocent blogs into money making professional-services-claiming-to-be-blogs and the non-blog arena into website-filled-with-keywords-and-tags-to-please-search-engines world has also flooded Twitter: people keep describing Twitter and similar services with as many complicated terms and terminologies as possible so that the end result will be more direct or indirect money somehow by making people think “Wow, this is useful because it is sophisticated. I’ma gonna use it! COOL!”

It is as if the fact “Bes eats because there is food” has become the universal law upon which Twittering for many people revolves around. They Twitter because there is Twitter. So I present to you 14 Twitter messages that should help you realize as to what the focus of the message is, and what the real focus should be. Keep in mind that the poster of such messages had no reason behind the message other than to Twitter it. You decide what you would want your focus and reasoning to be for each message if you had a chance.

1. In the bathroom.
2. Out of the bathroom. Realized I only went in there to Twitter that I was in the bathroom.
3. Throwing up while typing this. Food poisoning. Crap got some on the phone
4. She is confused as to why I am Twittering during this interview. Just ask me the questions.
5. This exam sucks and the moderator keeps looking as if I was cheating through my cell phone.
6. Waiting for the cash register to process this sale, holding the customer credit card in my other hand.
7. In police station. Handcuffed. Drunk-driving-over-rabbits-offense. Thank god they didn’t take phone away. I can twitter w/phone behind me.
8. I woke up.
9. Neighbors woke up.
10. With my boy friend. He doesn’t know he is my boy friend yet.
11. Wife woke up. $&^%
12. Following this stranger, a beautiful girl, for hours now. Hope she doesn’t notice; I’m only following to make sure she gets home safe.
13. I am Twittering because this is Twitter.
14. I am Twittering so Bes can talk about me.

There you go, my Twitter loving or Twitter hating or Twitter confused beings⁴. The above Twitter messages, and many other Twitter updates on similar notes have no purpose for them. Many people simply use Twitter to let everyone else know what they are doing, while others do it to gain attention through more Twitter followers or through the stereotype that the more you Twitter, the cooler you are.

Of course, the funniest thing is to see how many Twitter-obsessed people have no communication skills, no interest in making real friends, no interest in the well being of others, and no interest in how to focus on content instead of creating a hype through presentation.

Thank you for reading and not Twittering.

I will stop here please, so I can think of what to Twitter now. I hope I made you pause your Twitter for at least a few moments. Please let me know what you think, if you have any comments, or if you would like to see more of such messages or would like to share your own messages or ideas.

Thank you for reading. You can get back to your pro-Twitter or anti-Twitter activities now. I will go back to being confused and giggling nervously in my head⁵.

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Now keep in mind that if you would have slapped me first, I could have apologized or done something else, instead of slapping you back. For example, if you slapped me first as a result of me causing you to spill something on your clothes, I could have immediately run away screaming “Wooohooo!! I have a topic for my site!” while you chase me. Thus, a preemptive action is not an action that is the only solution to something that can happen. It is an action that the preemptive person or entity chooses to take.

The Preemptive Initiative

What I propose is that we try some preemptive things, listed below, in our lives. Why can we not take an action before there is even a need for such action in any form or manner? Whether I am serious or joking or being myself, you decide. Life would be completely different in many perspective if we start taking actions, including the act of not doing anything, before there is a need for such actions. The preemptive points listed below will help you get started.

The Golden Preemptive Rule

There is only one rule for Preemptive Actions Initiative: forget every other rule and focus only on the action itself. The below preemptive actions are being committed solely and only because of the very nature of each specific preemptive action itself. There is no other information or reason for which these actions take place. This very article is intended to let you know both the fun things that can result from preemptive actions, and the horrible things too. Hopefully by the end of this article, you will realize a bit more than before as to how preemptive actions and assumptions affect our life in different manners.

12 random & interesting Preemptive Actions

While some of the following may look like pranks², imagine making these part of your life and also imagine accepting the fact that others do the below things to you daily. Imagine that your life is empty without this, and that anyone telling you otherwise would only make you mad. How then will you live your life? Will you be able to realize when you are analyzing something and when you are assuming something?

Here we go:

1. File for divorce before you get married
   Found the girl or guy of your dreams? Take them to divorce court before you even get married. If they ask why you would want to do such a thing, tell them they were going to cheat on you, take your money, or do something else to hurt you. If they ask for proof, tell them your proof is your ability to preemptively analyze preemptive things. See how they react. Even if you get married after that, they may want to divorce you.
2. Break up before you start a relationship
   Similar to the divorce point, but for people not having marriage in sight. Walk up to the guy or the girl you want to ask out, and say “I want to break up with you.” Walk away, and let the gossips start. Launch a preemptive gossip yourself against the gossipers.
3. Sell the car before you buy it
   Go to the car dealership, test drive the car and put the car for sale on eBay or Craigslist while sitting in the salesperson’s office that same day, before you even sign any papers or pay for the car. When the buyer comes, take their money, leave and have the salesperson deal with the situation and that buyer.
4. Run from the cops before they have any reason to run after you
   See a cop and run. When they chase you, catch you and ask why you ran, say “I may end up doing something wrong in the future, which is why I was running since you may catch me then.” Wait a few hours while they search you, your house, your car, or anything else you own, check your background and your DNA and your blood and your pockets, before they scratch their heads in confusion((Please note: They might recommend or order you to go through a psych test to see if you are crazy or not.)). Be prepared to be faced with an authority that does not believe in your preemptive beliefs. If the cops ask you again “Why did you run?” Ask them back “Why did you run after me? You also preemptively though you would catch me before you knew I did anything wrong!
5. Apologize for what you did before you do the thing you apologize for
   Walk up to a stranger and say “Sorry man for stealing your money“, and walk away. Keep looking back to see how the stranger looks at you, or if the stranger comes after you to slap you.
6. Return a call before you get the call
   Call all your friends and say “Hey, I am returning your call. Wassup?” When they say “I didn’t call you…” Say “I know. I realized that there is a possibility that you were going to call me, I was going to be away from the phone and thus I was going to miss your phone call. That is why I am returning your call before you even called me. Wassup? Tell me quickly, I don’t have much time.” See their reaction and make a note of it in your friendship diary. See how many friends start calling you fewer times after that.
7. Tell people you are closing your website, before you open your website
   I want to announce that I am closing my shoe website. It has been a very hard decision, and I know a lot of you would have been disappointed had it actually existed, but I have been forced to take this action since I knew the website would have consumed a lot of my time. On top of that, I do not know if the website was going to sell shoes or talk about shoes or something else. Heck, I do not even know the name of my shoe website or what the domain name url would be. Sorry all, and I hope none of you cry because you miss my shoe website. May my shoe website live in your hearts forever, as it surely lives in mine!
8. Quit a job before getting that job
   Walk into the corporate office of any large company and ask the first employee you see what the proper procedure is for someone who wants to quit a job that they have not yet even gotten the offer for. After that person looks at you for a while, slap them. When you get arrested, refer to my above example and say you exercised your right to preemptive strike as you knew they were going to slap you for asking a weird question.
9. Ask for a refund for your computer before you buy that computer
   Walk into Best Buy and request a refund for your computer. When the sales associate asks you for the item and the receipt, say “I haven’t bought the computer yet.” See whether or not you can end up making the sales associate call for the manager. Say the same thing to the manager and in the end, when you have had enough, say “Ok, I guess you do not respect my preemptive refund rights.” See the reaction.
10. Tell the bus driver “Thanks for the ride” before you get on the bus
    Stop the bus. When the door opens, look at the driver, thank him/her for the ride and walk away. See what happens then. Make sure you have medical insurance; preemptively buying medical insurance is a good thing.
11. Thank the guests for the great party and close the door before the guests even come into your house for the party
    This one is interesting. Invite guests to a party. When they show up at the door, open the door, thank them for coming and immediately say “It was a nice party, bye” and close the door, without letting them in. See what happens, and see if they ring the door bell to ask what is going on.
12. Thank and pay for the food at the restaurant and leave before ordering the food
    Walk into a restaurant and ask for your bill. When the cashier or waiter asks what you ordered or who served you, say “I haven’t ordered yet.” Everything that follows will test your preemptive initiative oath: if you laugh and simply walk out, you were only a prankster playing a prank. If you actually end up paying the money and believe this should happen daily to others and to you, you are preemptively initiating the preemptive initiative.

The above are some interesting preemptive actions that can add fun and frolics into your life. Be careful: not realizing what is the real message in this article can result in a lot of slapping and beating by cops and other people.

Do you support the preemptive initiative?

What do you think about the above points? If you realistically did any of the above, would you feel happy? Would you feel sad? Would you feel stupid? Would you not feel anything? Do you think preemptive actions can result in anything good or anything bad? Do you think such a thinking can improve or worsen your life? Can you think of any other actions, ideas or things that can hint at a preemptive action?

Thank you for reading. I will stop here and will go eat now, since I may become hungry soon.

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The laptop is 1 month and 3 days old today. Who could have done such a thing? What heartless bastard could have broken into a house, probably harassed the cat, and taken an innocent infant laptop who was just sitting there?! The neighbor’s house was also broken into, but the neighbor did not have any bastard children laptops, so no laptop child was stolen from that house. How strange it is, that one house suffers nothing but a broken door and trauma, while the house next door ends up with a broken door, trauma, a traumatized perverted cat, and a missing laptop child.

Victims’ and the Crime profile

This is a real theft people. Sure, you may not believe some things as you may assume it is out of this world, but the laptop was stolen yesterday, and your help is needed.

Reward?: Yes, and this is real. $500 reward through Paypal to anyone who finds or helps Ronald actually find and recover the laptop undamaged.

Where?: Huntsville, Alabama, USA

When?: Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007, between 7 am and 11 am

Type: Apple MacBook Pro, 15″, silver, 2 Gig RAM, 7200 RPM 160GB HD.

Age: Only a month, 3 days old laptop child

Mother: Apple [sold her baby to Ronald on the black market called the Apple store]

Father: Ronald [under investigation by the National Laptops Welfare & Long Battery Life Association [NLWLBLA] for suspicion of buying a laptop child on the black market]

Name or Model # of the victim: A1226

Nickname or Serial number of the victim: W87371FAXAG

Secret lovers: The cat [rumored by angry neighborhood cats. No evidence to confirm or deny this claim]

Instructions for the cops and others to follow

This is a note to all the cops, the community, and anyone who cares about young children, young laptop heartless children to be precise! Imagine the lonely laptop, sitting there without a cover, without a mouse, without the cruel abusive master of an owner who only now realizes the value of the laptop child, and most important of all, without the secret cat lover!

All cops should keep on the lookout for any depressed laptop child that is not turned on. By turned on, I mean turned on screen-wise and not literally, though if you thought I meant literally you are in the same class as the secret cat lover. Anyhow, back to the kidnapping topic! All highway patrol cars are advised to focus on expensive car drivers going empty handed to poor areas and coming back to rich homes in rich areas with a new Apply MacBook Pro. Poor folks can’t afford such a laptop baby, so probably some rich sucker would want to save a thousand on an already expensive product and bring it back to lala land only to discover that the laptop child was kidnapped from Ronald and the lesbian cat.

Non-federal authorities aren’t of help, so hitmen have been hired

So far, non-federal authorities have been uncooperative or unsuccessful in helping the quest to find the missing laptop child. The local rental association has no video, audio or picture record or any recollection of a baby being kidnapped and taken to a car, nor any video or pictures of any people coming in or out of the complex.

Apple, the corporation that not only provides people with laptop children but also can take those laptop childs’ brains away if needed, cannot help either unless and until someone connects the laptop child to the internet and accesses the internet, at which point Apple will terminate [HEAVEN FORBID] the laptop child. Ohhh the horror this world sees! “If I can’t have my laptop child, no one can!” Ronalds’ decision to hire the professional hitman corporation, Apple, is not yet backfiring. Maybe it will be after the fate of the laptop child is sealed and public that we will see heartless child rights organizations going after Ronald for his decision to not allow his laptop child to live if it is not sitting on his lap or next to the cat.

My community aspect of the investigation, and the Iron Claw Assassin

In my research, where I tried to offer help in the neighborhood aspect of the investigation, I found out that I was not welcome anywhere, and that no one wanted to tell me about the missing child. “Why?” I thought. I wondered if everyone was part of this conspiracy. I wondered if everyone knew something but was afraid to tell me. I wondered if everyone knew something but did not want to tell me because they did not like me. Soon, however, I found out why no one wanted to tell me anything about the missing child. “What the hell is a macbook pro?“, “Are you stupid? Why in the world are you looking for a damn apple? Go buy another one from the grocery store you cashless psycho!” and “Who gives a damn about Apple! I have a dell with a D, as in DIE Apple!” were the three sets of answers I got from everyone. It seems no one knows where the damned child laptop is. So much for assuming that the community is of help; it never is. I am wondering if I should do my best to get to the attention-disordered laptop child before the hitmen do.

I am trying my best to locate the stealth Iron Claw Assassin. So far, all my inside agents have reported that they have been unable to locate the Iron Claw Assassin. All of my attempts to locate her have proved futile. That is sad, since the Iron Claw could have pursued the laptop child kidnappers and taken care of them the way The Mad, Mad, Mad Screamer was taken care of, and I am confident that the laptop child would have been recovered safely, albeit a few scratches because of the claw. Claw, holding the laptop child, scratch, pointed, sharp, get it? Better to get back a dented laptop child than no laptop child. Whatever case Iron Claw Assassin is working on, I wish she could finish it soon or just give it up to help us pursue this demonic laptop child that Ronald and the authorities are so obsessed about right now.

I have offered sacrifices to the sea in the form of throwing out trash that was in my car into lakes, rivers and oceans. I have bought nuts for the damned squirrels in Berkeley while avoiding the squirrel who shall not be named [seriously, he cannot be named, nor linked to, but you know how to find out more about him, don't you?], cleaned up after psycho, murdering cats, and even spied on all cats making out with other cats in the community in hopes of finding some laptop children nearby, since rumors say that the missing laptop child had affairs with Ronalds’ cat [more on that below]. So far, I have uncovered nothing, other than the mysterious looks from all cats that probably wonder “Why the hell is he looking at us while we kiss each other? EWWWWWWWW” I hope I can forget everything I am seeing today once, and if, the laptop child is found.

Rumors about affairs between the cat and the laptop child

I did find out through my contacts that there were some illegal affairs between the cat and the laptop child. Even though I was looking for evidence for such claims, deep inside me I remembered the cat when I had met it last month, and I realized that the cat did exhibit such lovely affections to every object inside Ronalds’ house, including me when I was there. However, think of the laptop child: you wouldn’t want your desktop or laptop child to suffer the same trauma, so why ignore this tragedy where a young pro-beastiality laptop child got kidnapped? Sure, you are against animal cruelty, but come on, this laptop was less than a month. So what if a month old laptop baby likes to feel touchy-touchy with a cat? Blame the grown up cat for seducing and having affairs with a child. As you can see from the image to the right, there are some public pictures of the cat trying to get close to the child laptop sexually. Heck, blame the photographer, Ronald, for taking such pictures and not stopping the cat and the laptop from feeling close in that manner!

Me, personally, I have no problem with the cat as I think it does not realize that many humans do not like such contacts with laptops. However, the issue here is the kidnapping of the laptop child, and not the pedophile cat or its master of a roommate Ronald who focused only on what the laptop could provide in terms of productivity and not on the relationship aspect of the laptops’ life. Let’s get the laptop child back now and let’s stalk the pedophile cat and yell at Ronald for being so careless later! Ronald is sad now, so let’s make sure he knows we are there for him! Hmmm ok wait, scratch that: I have to play an online game after this. Ok, Ronald is sad now, so let’s make sure he knows that YOU are there for him, and that I will be there for him soon hopefully. All this neighborhood investigation has bored me to death, so I need some time off. 6 minutes of total investigation takes a lot of effort people!

Community feels strong bias and discrimination by the police

Many community members have told me that they feel the law enforcement authorities are giving way too much attention to this even simply because it was an Apple laptop child that was stolen. “My damn’ Windows 95 laptop of 8 years was stolen last week and no one is investigating that“, a father of 2 new laptop children told me. Some other people pointed out the fact that most Windows laptops are dark in color, while the Apple laptops are usually white or silver in color. All local law enforcement authorities are denying that any racism is involved, citing that most law officers use computers running windows XP, that officers of many different colors from orange to blue to white to green to yellow to black to violet to red and more, are involved in the investigation. Furthermore, a short survey by me revealed that many officers do not know what a MacBook is, let alone know that Apple creates silver MacBook Pros; therefore, officers cannot discriminate against non-Apple laptop owners’ cases since they don’t even know what is missing. Ronald had to show them the laptop box, pictured above, to show the police officers the picture of the poor laptop child that was missing.

Those close to me want the laptop child to stay missing

My desktop and laptops are happy, though. They are laughing and saying “HAHA damn retarded over-hyped apple products! Doing the same exact thing that other products can do. Only thing they are definitely better at that is life-shattering is to get stolen and kidnapped.” Ignore my jealous desktop and laptop, please, and be well! They do not know what glamor is, since they grew up in a hard working family of computers which focused on bread and not gold, and thus they exist to help the poor and those in need instead of being like you, oh dear Apple MacBook Pro laptop child, where you focus mainly on those with fat wallets. You have a higher purpose in life but my laptop and desktops don’t, so please ignore their evil laughs and bad prayers, and instead be safe! When you get back you can laugh back at them!

What if you find any lonely laptop child?

So please, if you see a lonely baby laptop anywhere, see someone talking about selling a baby called “Apple MacBook Pro” or a see a child that has a 15″ screen sitting by the road somewhere, go and talk to the laptop child! See what is going on. Maybe it’s the laptop child Ronald lost! Maybe it is someone elses’ child! Who knows. If the laptop child does not belong to anyone, ask the police. Ask the local hospital. Ask the local tech shops and electronic stores. If no one knows the history of the laptop child you find, do one thing please: sell the laptop child.

Sell it on Amazon, on ebay, on craigslist, anywhere you wish. Since you tried and couldn’t find the laptop childs’ original home, you might as well make some money.

Take action, or make money!

So please, go get your holy books ready to pray for Ronalds’ laptop child, go get your jacket or t-shirt on to go look for the laptop, take out your own desktop and laptop child to search for the missing child laptop. And in the end get your Craigslist, ebay, and Amazon seller accounts ready. For if you do find a laptop child and cannot find where the laptop child came from, you can help find it a new home if you do not want to use it or do not want to get caught, and earn some money along the way too.

$500 reward for finding the laptop

This is also the part which you have to take the most seriously. Ronald is offering a $500 reward to anyone who can recover or find his laptop so Ronald can get his laptop back, undamaged. Ronald will pay you via Paypal.

Look for any Apple laptop child with the model number A1226 and serial number W87371FAXAG.

This is hoping that the laptop child is able to sleep tonight without any problems! My thoughts and wishes and my heart is with you, though my desktop and laptop are still praying that you die a horrible, anti-Microsoft death. Let us see what happens.

If you have any information about this Satan laptop child or would like to help with this ongoing investigation, please e-mail me or contribute below. Thank you!

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1. You use the online language in the offline world.

   On paper, you preferring writing “U” instead of “You.” You say “LOL” in the offline world when you want to laugh. The post office cashier says “Have a nice day” and you say 4 letters “TTYL“, sending the cashier into a world of confusion.

2. You always want to know if your offline contacts have blogs or MySpace or Facebook accounts.

   You make a frustrated face if people do not have any online presence and instead have cell phone numbers to share with you. When you get a speeding ticket, you start wondering if you can pay it online and if the cops have blogs while the cop is writing you a ticket. You wonder if that cop has a MySpace account that you can block.

3. You always think of checking e-mails before you think of getting out of bed in the morning.

   You think of brushing and washing face at least an hour after you wake up, because that is the amount of time you usually spend skimming through many of the e-mails you get. While brushing, you think of how to respond to some e-mails, and how to check more e-mails. Your entire day may revolve around 24 e-mail accounts, and not 24 hourly blocks.

4. You revolve offline activites around online activities.

   You plan going to the movies depending on how long it will take you to watch random videos on YouTube. You plan eating times depending on when no one is online on instant messengers from MSN, Yahoo, Google, AOL, Skype or MySpace; you pause your eating and going out if even a single contact is online to talk to you. You may not talk to them, but you will also not leave them alone in the online world. Food can wait.

5. You cannot remember the last time you stayed offline for more than three hours, except for when you slept for 3 hours and 10 minutes.

   From the moment you wake up, you prefer looking at a monitor or any screen that allows you to access the online world. Even while getting a ride, or getting on the subway, you keep focusing on your laptop or your cell phone to keep in touch with the online world of games and messaging. One of the reasons you hate driving is because you cannot easily access your e-mail through your cell phone while driving; you can, but you do not want to die either. You do not fear death because it is death; you fear it because you do not know if you will be able to check e-mails after you die.

This list told you about 5 random signs that show you spend too much time online. From sticking to online language to wanting all offline people to have an online social networking account, to checking e-mails all the time to revolving your life around the internet, and not remembering the last time you stayed offline for a while, you can figure out whether or not you yourself spend too much time online.

Can you come up with some other points? I am going to end this article now, as I have to do some things online, then eat, and then head out to see either Sunshine or The Simpsons.

Thank you for reading.

[Update: 7 minutes after this article was published: Sunshine started 12 minutes ago. I must have forgotten the timing, or they changed it. Oh well: The Simpsons, or no movie tonight. ]

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1. DBT keeps me from eating normally every night

   Oh lord! It can be 3 am, and when no other e-mail is coming in, I hope that some DBT subscription e-mail comes in. It is very interesting to read the tips that Daniel has to share with the rest of the planet. I like getting daily DBT subscription e-mails.

   If I had to choose between eating cheesecake in the middle of the night and reading an e-mail, I would prefer eating cheesecakes and talking to a very good friend [ ]. However, if my good friend is not online, DBT e-mails are so interesting, I will usually put off my eating and read the latest DBT posts and any related comments. By the time I get done with DBT posts and comments, I forget about eating. Not good. Really not good. DBT should start writing boring posts on a daily basis, so that I can get bored easily and resume eating my food.

2. Daniel from DBT makes me wonder if I am chatting with him, or if I am dreaming

   Daniel, the owner of DBT, is usually online around the same times. “Why is he so accessible?” I wonder. Daniel is considered one of the finest A-list bloggers by many people, and yet he is always online, ready to interact when he has to. I sometimes wonder “Am I dreaming?” when I find it so easy to chat with Daniel compared to other A-list bloggers. Not nice, Daniel and DBT, for making Bes wonder every other night whether or not he is dreaming.

   “Hey Bes!” He usually says. “Am I still dreaming? He still remembers me?” I think to myself, wondering if forces of blogosphere nature and lack of sleep are playing with my mind. DBT sucks because it spoils me into thinking that all “A-list bloggers can still think about other people and not act too stuck up after getting their blogs famous.” Other A-list bloggers, take note: Daniel sets a few good examples to follow on how to communicate with others based on the topic at hand, and not based on how rich or elite one feels.

3. DBT discriminates, but less than most other A-list blogs

   Wow. I remember getting together with an A-list blogger last year who told me that he only wanted to write for advertisors, so that the readers could click on more sponsored links. DBT, on the other hand, does not care if you look at ads or not. DBT also does not discriminate based on whether or not you link back to it. DBT does have one criteria on which it wants to discriminate: you having a blog. If you do not have a blog and you do not want a blog, you will probably have a hard time realizing the potential of DBT. Other DBT lovers will probably hate you for not having a blog. You will not be able to show your face in the DBT world, for you do not have a blog, while everyone else does, and everyone else learns from DBT about ways to improve their blogs.

   That is bad, since such a discrimination forces all of us bloggers to force ourselves to keep having blogs, whether we like it or not, just because we want to keep DBT happy and we want to keep reading DBT posts. DBT’s business model discriminates against people who do not have blogs, because it does not cater to them. Will I ever be able to free myself from the chains of blogging, considering the fact than if I stop having a blog, I will be looked down upon by other DBT lovers who are not being discriminated against because of having blogs? It sounds highly unlikely. Boohooo!

So there you have it. That is my list of 3 random reasons why Daily Blog Tips sucks so much, that I like reading it everyday via e-mail to learn about different tips and techniques, or to see what Daniel thinks of different ideas and concepts that I am already familiar with.

What do you think? Can you think of some more reasons? Did you find anything interesting in this list, or does TR [The Reasoner] suck for not being able to make you smile even a little bit? Now if you must excuse me, I must do something which I have been saying and doing recently in many of my posts: eating, I have to go eat now.

Thank you for reading.

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1. Talk about typical and non-typical topics because of believing in them

   This is one of my greatest skills, and it is also one of my greatest weaknesses. The benefit? I can talk about things that can affect individuals and corporations, both typical and non-typical, both big and small, since I believe that both big and small things affect us all. The downside? Venturing off in different directions appears to be a form of “not having a clear focus” to many readers, and patience is something that is usually replaced by the need to find out things right away, even by myself.

   I like blogging about random topics and revolving them around certain themes. Take your own personal life as an example: when you live your life, you revolve everything in your life around your understanding of things, even if your understanding prompts you to be considerate of everyone else. Similarly, I believe that any blogging topic out there can be taken and applied to any kind of a belief you may have, or revolved around any topic.

   That is why I try to revolve the most random things around certain key elements, like reason.

   Many people seem to be doing the same thing, going from one topic to another, while not aiming at a certain thing. Many of such people are simply trying to get their post count up. Kudos to them!

2. Revolve the blog around readers

   I am not here to vent my emotions. I am here to vent my emotions into your thoughts and feelings. I am not desperate to be heard in the online word, so everything I write, I write to communicate something with you. Venting about something means to vent something off your chest; I am here to convey an understanding instead. Therefore, even though the topics are all mine, I want to show them to you so that you will understand the message I am trying to convey to you. That is why my blog revolves around both me and you.

   The downside of such an approach? Money. It is hard to make money when your blog revolves around bringing up topics that you think are good and practical for you and your readers. Otherwise, I can start talking about a 100 ways to make money through your blog every week, and I will start getting a lot of sponsors too. Maybe I can simply talk about one single way to make money every week to keep many parties happy, no?

   Many people think that saying “My blog is not possible without readers like you” is enough to show any kind of a bond or an appreciation, even when no other element on their blog appreciates readers. Most bloggers write about topics that please their advertisors or the companies, networks and groups they are affiliated with.

3. Respond to all comments, using a brain

   I have been trying to respond to all comments for several years now. Sometimes I respond to comments via e-mails, taking the discussion away from the blog and continuing it through e-mails. Most of the time, I will reply to each and every individual comment, not only to acknowledge a comment but to actually communicate with a person. I think communicating with all commentors on The Reasoner is something I can do blindfolded now.

   Why? Because I hate it when I write a long comment on someone else’s site, and they respond with only a “Thank you for your comment. ” Such comments simply tell me that a blogger feels obligated to reply to each comment, without actually communicating with me. Either do not reply, or stop using the same copy-paste responses to every comment you get. Maybe I should start a list outlining all the bloggers who look stupid trying to treat comment responses as an obligation.

4. I like keeping the number of posts on my site down

   I do not believe in outputting as many posts as possible in order to attract readers and advertisors and search engines. I want to attract others by the actual value that helps people, and not by promises that something may help people. That is why sometimes I can write 2 posts a day for months, and then I will slow down and write a post a week. What I write is more important to me than how much I write. People who write a lot of posts regularly usually tend to write things to lure in people. Some people who actually write a lot while giving value back to the readers are simply amazing. They exist, but they are hard to find. One place you can find them is in my bookmarks menu, though I remember their blog addresses by heart.

   In contrast, I try to keep my post count growth rate down. I got an offer last month to have a small ad placed on my site for $450 a month if I post an article everyday for at least 6 months, the way I have already been doing for a few months now. I declined the advertising offer, telling the advertisor to let me know if they would like to place an ad on my site if they did not have a posting schedule requirement. Since then, I have instead started posting less and running a poll asking you about the frequency of published posts you would like to see here. Why? I think it is a waste of my time to post a 100 posts in 2 months when only 5 of those posts get the message across. I feel the need to combine the ideas, thoughts, and pack a lot of punch into any post I write, so that each and every post gets attention and I get all my ideas and message across. Maybe I am currently quite satisfied eating 2 pieces of bread and drinking a glass of milk every day, using money earned in the offline world?

   For me, having a few nice posts is better than having a 100 useless posts that only aim to lure in people so that more money can be made. Money to go retire can be made easily by fooling people, but building legends, fortunes, relationships and brands takes a long time, and requires doing something realistic so that people in both the short and the long term, even when you are not around anymore, will say “Wow, he/she did help me! What a memory!” That is why I like working with companies which aim to build a brand through legacy, and to make money at the same time, and not companies which are only around to make money quickly. When you aim to build a brand or have a legacy, you tend to care more about other people, even if you love making money.

5. Value content over looks

   I believe that if one had to choose, content is more important than design. However, in reality, it seems that most human beings prefer something that appears nice instead of something that is ugly but has actual value. That is why even with design changes, my writing maintains a lot of the same philosophy of feelings in my content, even if the topics keep on changing. For me, content comes first, and if I have time, I work on the design slowly. Sure, looks can be important as Darren from ProBlogger argues, but without content, looks are usually used only to deceive people and to make some money. If someone can manage to have both quality content and a quality design on their blog, I think that person has a very nice diamond that they should utilize fully, quickly and carefully, to ensure that they are able to communicate with as many blog readers as possible and get their message across efficiently and effectively.

   Why? Maybe it is human nature, to be attracted to things that appeal to any of our senses, or our thoughts and feelings. It is important to present things nicely, since we are all like babies. You can get many babies to eat the toxic veggies if you act nice and talk in a friendly manner, but you will have a hard time getting the same babies to eat the veggies if you are dressed as a bigfoot and you keep growling at the top of your voice. The value you offer, the vegetables, are still the same, but for the baby, your presentation and your looks also becomes part of the content.

   Maybe I want us all to be non-typical babies?

So there you have it; a really nice bragging post. Among the thousand other things [haha], the above 5 are some of the common things that many bloggers try to copy from The Reasoner. Some give credit, some do not give credit, and some have come up with their own versions of similar ideas on their own.

Whatever the reason may be, I hope this list helps you improve some aspect of your blogging or life. I also hope that if you have any suggestions for any of these things, you can let me know so I can improve.

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1. You own an iPod, or something similar.

   Think of the iPod as a luxury. Majority of the world cannot afford to buy food once a day, yet you have an iPod. You could have gotten the iPod as a gift from someone, or you could have bought it yourself. Now, how does this make sure that you are not poor? If you ask someone to lend you $100, while your iPod can be sold for $70, it means you want someone else to be inconvenienced by them giving you their money, while you do not want to give up listening to your iPod. Similarly, if you have something along the same lines, like a new laptop, and cannot part with it, you may not be poor. You can easily sell a laptop and get some money for it.

   Exceptions: Your job may depend on the laptop, or in some very rare cases, the iPod. Someone close to you may have given you the iPod and thus you cannot sell it, or else they will be greatly offended. Your iPod may probably be so old that you can only get $5 from it while you do not have money to pay the rent, which costs a couple of thousand dollars, etc. Of course, I can also say that if you can get $5 from your iPod, it means you are doing your best to make sure you utilize every resource possible before feeling that you are helpless and poor.

2. You can afford to buy a home or pay rent

   Home is another important factor that people and society have worked together to create. If you can afford to buy a home or pay rent for your current place of living, you are most probably not poor. Some ways to save money could be to cut off on living expenses: using less electricity, finding a cheaper place, selling off the home, renting a room to someone, etc.

   Exceptions: Even if you find a cheaper place, you may still not have the money you need. You may also already have the cheapest place anyone could get, unless you had a gun to force the landlord into lowering your rent. However, a gun usually costs money, so a really poor person may not be able to afford that. Unless, however, you use a knife to get a gun, but a knife costs too. Unless you use…..ok, never mind.

3. You can buy large combo meals from fast food places every day

   Food prices are a good way to measure the performance of an economy, and food is also a good way to measure the strength of your bank account, if you have one. If you can buy at least 2 large combo meals at McDonald’s or Carls. Jr.s every day, you are probably not poor. Why? You can buy cheaper stuff at grocery stores and cook things yourself for weeks, saving more than half the money you spend in a month on fast food.

   Exceptions: You don’t know how to cook, you do not have a kitchen, you get gift cards or coupons for the fast food purchase, etc.

4. You can buy the things you want

   The things you need are usually different than the things you want. Wanting to eat food daily is something you need. Wanting to buy coffee and chocolate everyday, in addition to other kinds of food, can be something you want. If you can afford to buy things that can be avoided on a regular basis, chances are you are not poor. Paying for a blog, host, design and extra features for your site just for a hobby also means that you are probably not poor since you can afford such a thing.

   I knew this guy once who would drink coffee 3 times a day, finish a pack of premium cigarettes every day, buy food supplies and also eat at fast food places multiple times a day. On top of that, he would ask from time to time to lend him something so he could pay his rent. I calculated his expenses with him and in front of him, and figured that he was spending around $250 for the things I just listed above. How much did he want me to lend him? Around $100 or so. I told him about this, and he stopped being friendly after that.

   Exceptions: You are addicted to smoking. By addicted, I do not mean that if you do not smoke you feel weird. No, feeling weird for not smoking is an excuse for people who want a lame excuse to keep spending money. By addicted, I mean if you stop smoking or drinking you feel extreme depression, or you get seizures and have to go to the hospital, etc. Also, without things like coffee, you may actually get literal headaches throughout the day resulting in you getting admitted to the hospital. Also, things like blog may maintain your sanity by allowing you to express yourself, and without that, you would be poor and insane, though some can say that such a reason is simply an excuse to spend on your blog while you do not have enough money for offline things.

   Another important exception to this rule is if you are Bes: Bes needs and wants chocolate every single day; no exception to this rule. Period. Bes used to give packs of chocolate to homeless people before someone threw it back at Bes and yelled “I want some change! What the HELL am I gonna do with that?” Bes apologized and moved on, and ever since, Bes has been thinking of never giving away any chocolate, but keeping it in the fridge to devour while writing posts at night.

5. You can buy things for others

   If you can buy things for others, you are most probably the opposite of poor. You may be rich. There is nothing wrong with buying a $500 watch for your boy/girlfriend, but there is something wrong with buying a $500 watch to impress someone and asking someone else to lend you $200 for your car payment at the same time.

   Exceptions: You feel your job or some relationship depends on you buying something for others so much, that you do not even have enough money for some personal things, like your own rent, enough food, etc. Sure, such an exception means you do not know how to have a good relationship and are in touch with the wrong people, but it also means that you may be poor and cannot help it. Another exception may be that you are raising a child or someone, and you want that child or anyone depending on your financially to be really happy, and thus you are sacrificing your own financial happiness.

I hope this list helps you realize whether or not you are really poor. Also, if you want to borrow money from someone, you may think twice before asking someone to part with their money, while you do not part with yours.

Can you think of more things to add to this list?

A good next topic could be “5 situations in which you wish you were poor.” Thanks for reading.

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If you like any of the points mentioned in this post, I’ve got a hundred more in the works. You can contact me and hire me to allow you to use these and many more points, and to have me provide consulting too.

Here is the 2nd part of that list, with 5 more plans that could help revolutionize the fast food industry.

1. Straight or gay; you simply gotta pay

   You might be charged more or given a discount depending on your sexual preference. I originally came up with this idea in order to allow discounts for people of certain sexual preferences that might otherwise be discriminated. However, the fast food corporations love this plan only if they get to charge people of any preference more money instead of giving discounts. For example, some employees suggested to me that San Francisco’s Burger King might charge more if one is not a lesbian, and that Irvine’s McDonald’s might charge more if one is gay. The extra charge will depend solely on the sexual orientation and preference of the management of the local fast food location in question.

   I’m working on this plan to make sure it’s not discriminatory, though I keep getting told everyday by all the food corporations that they’re in the food business, not in the anti-discrimination business.

2. Bow down to your sponsor or pay us

   Fast food companies will charge more when a customer doesn’t use specific products from a sponsor. This initiative is still being discussed heavily, and negotiations are far from complete. The concept is simple: a fast food chain will have a sponsor of the month, and that specific fast food chain will charge extra whenever you do not own a product from that sponsor. For example, if Honda is sponsoring the month of December at Carls Jr., every Honda driver will pay the regular price for all the drive-thru orders. All other drivers will pay extra for any menu item. Plans are also being made to include discounted or extra menu items available only to users of a specific product.

   Some have even proposed extending the idea to have sponsors from the mainstream language advocates or specific communities where speaking a specific language or looking and acting like a certain someone will earn special discounts. If it’s any consolation, the following month your own community might be the sponsor, making you feel like the superior race then. Just like before, I’ve been sent some modified plans by various religious organizations regarding charging people from other religions a lot more, or banning nonreligious people completely from ordering any food. Whether the plan is to convert nonreligious people or to starve them to death, I don’t know. While there are some rumors floating around that people who convert on the spot from one religion to the religion advocated by the sponsor of the month will get prizes and free religious books for life, I can deny all such rumors at this moment and say that these rumors have no ground to stand on.

3. Screw your city and pay us!

   You’ll be charged extra for buying at a fast food place that’s not in your city of residence. This plan requires an ID card to verify the zip code of all buyers at different fast food chains. If you live in the same city, you’ll pay the normal price, and maybe get a discount. If you live in a different city, you’ll pay extra and get no discount unless you move to become a local resident. I originally got contacted by different county officials who wanted certain members of the society kicked out, and at the same time wanted wealthier citizens to move in. We came up with several plans and this one was voted as being the best by different county officials.

4. Eat my food or pay up to feast at other places

   You’ll be charged extra for not being a loyal customer at specific fast food chains. When you go to any fast food place, you’ll be expected to know all of the menu items by heart. Hiding the menu itself is an easy way to find out who knows the menu and who doesn’t. People can still ask what the menu is, but an extra charge will be added to such orders. A discount and a gift coupon will be given to those who pay an extra “I converted” fee, which allows customers to convert from something like Wendyism to Jack-in-the-Box’ism or from Subwayism to Quiznoism. A credit card will be kept on file for each convert; if they do not come and order something on a regular basis, they’ll be charged a “defect/spy/going-to-hell” fee. Plans are also being considered to charge customers instantly when they ask what the menu items are, even if they don’t buy anything.

   An increase in graduates of criminal justice degrees is expected, as more fast food chains will start hiring security guards and detectives to chase down people who ask for menu items and then run away without ordering or paying anything. This plan is being heavily modified by me, as many religious organizations have shown opposition to such a plan saying that offering incentives to worship a fast food place may actually cause many immature people to stop worshiping God and start worshiping the big M signs. These religious people instead advocate the “Bow down to your sponsore or pay us!” plan above.

5. My Capitalist Nanny!

   This one was recommended by Jerine. I talked about this with local branches of several national fast food chains and they all agreed; kids make more mess than adults. Thus, anyone who brings children to fast food places will be charged an extra “My Capitalist Nanny” fee depending on what the kids do. If the kids play around, parents will be charged extra. If the children make a mess on the table, they’ll be charged extra. If they kids scream, they’ll be charged extra. If someone brings more than one child with them, they must make sure that each child orders something, or else there will be an extra fee. Many executives are even considering offering menu items where parents can rent a nanny from the fast food store for an hour while they eat.

   Right now, research is being done to see as to whether some children will start to realize why their poor parents always locked them in their rooms and never took them to McDonald’s anymore, and thus when they grow up, whether these children might start a psycho-stalking spree against fast food executives. Many executives laughed at such research in the beginning saying that no one gets stalked or attacked anymore, but after reading this blog about stalking and stabbing by strangers, and being used and being lied to by friends, those executives are slowly realizing that they should take precautions. Right now, research is also being done to see whether renting nannies would be a good idea or not. Some have even suggested offering hot nannies to take care of all people regardless of their age, but this has been heavily criticized by parents who say that the old freaky executives just want to live out their sick fantasies through such plans.

These are the other 5 points I’m working on to make sure it’s easier for corporations to establish and promote different types of healthier relationships with all the communities. You might also want to read more about the Fast food business annoyances to get a feel of what the fast food industry is like at the moment.

What do you think about these points overall, or any of these points? As for me, I’ve eaten too much Pizza Hut since yesterday. It’s time to take some rest. Thank you for reading.

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Last year I presented you with a list of “10 interesting annoyances about Fast Food chains” that I thought was interesting to know. With almost every business aiming for profit and cuts in customer service, it seems that the old trend of a win-win situation is changing, where before both the seller and the buyer used to get the most out of a deal. Today, it’s a win-almost-won situation, where the businesses are winning, yet the customers are starting to lose more on every deal.

If you’re an executive at a corporation, you can hire me to bring these and many more plans to your company and let you use them, and at the same time provide consulting for each of the points to get the maximum output possible from each plan. Please contact me with details. Here is my list of 5 plans introducing new charges that you may see at fast food places in the near future. I call this list “Bes Z’s Top 5 new plans for fast food places.” When used properly and under my strict expert supervision, these plans can be used in many ways by management of different food corporations to bring in more revenue.

1. Wipe your mouth for a dollar

Napkins will cost extra with any order. Currently, many fast food places charge for giving you extra condiments like ketchup or mayonnaise. You pay for good quality burgers; why not pay for good quality napkins to wipe that ketchup off your face? Very soon two classes of fast food eaters will emerge because of this new plan. One will buy their napkins at the fast food, and the other will bring their own napkins. Sales of Levi Jeans is expected to soar, as people will prefer wiping off the mustard on their jeans rather than their dress pants.

2. Eat the greens or lose the dough

Having no vegetables on your burgers will cost extra. Vegetables are good for you according to many paranoid people, and soon parents will have lobbied and successfully convinced all fast food chains to require kids to eat vegetables. If it’s going to happen anyhow, why not use the plan right now to start charging extra if one decides to remove that tomato or lettuce? What better way to eat healthy food than to have healthy vegetables on an oil-soaked fast food burger? Also, remembering not to put an onion on a burger requires extra thinking on behalf of the fast food management; thus, having a customized burger with no vegetables reduces productivity. On top of that, if companies don’t put vegetables on burgers, the burgers are going to look extremely small. That’s not good, and also unacceptable.

Want no veggies? You gotta pay for your decision now. So far, many groups of parents show me their support for this plan. Veggies never tasted so good, and they never looked so expensive either. This plan will help in changing the traditional “Capitalistic” image of food corporations to the new “Capitalistic and helping our children eat veggies” image.

3. Buy it and go away or it’s more you gonna pay

Dining inside a fast food place will cost more, and having the food to go will not carry any extra charge. While there are still more people dining inside fast food places than in their cars, very soon you’ll be charged for even entering the premises or for eating inside. Cleaning the mess you left on a table requires a lot of courage on behalf of the cleaning staff, who have to refrain from crying while they wipe off the stains left on the tables by things dripping off your mouth. Even people who come into the store and buy stuff to take home sometimes pick up extra napkins and other things from inside the store and affect the #1 “Wipe your mouth for a dollar” plan above in a negative manner.

On top of that, hiring the cleaning staff wastes a lot of money; money that can be spent by the corporations on better things. For this plan to work I’ve created the “walk-thru” service, where people who don’t want to pay extra in order to dine in have to order food at an outside window and not be able to enter the store. Both the drive-thrus and my trademarked trademark walk-thru window will cost less than what it would cost to eat inside.

4. Use the bushes in the back or pay up front

You will be charged for using the restrooms. Eating food at someone’s house is a good thing, but using their restroom to lay waste everywhere is simply rude. Fast food places were created to fulfil your desire to eat, not your desire to go unload your stomach. A new cashier stand will be placed in front of all restrooms, where people will have to pay upfront in order to use the restrooms even if they already paid a lot for food in the same store. I’ve been approached by a few diaper companies to help them start a few lineups of adult diapers, as people will pay for diapers that will help them not use restrooms at fast food places when my plan is executed by the fast food companies.

I’m in the middle of negotiations between diaper companies and fast food corporations about my plan to have fast food places sell diapers along with food items, as part of a meal, at discounted prices. Some technical details, such as finding a place where a customer would put on the diaper, are still being worked out. Fast food places also have yet to plan any concrete countermeasure to the smell that will start brewing at their stores because of customers wearing diapers and not using restrooms all day long, though I’m working on that vigorously.

5. Stalk your sexy cashier legally for a small fee

You’ll be charged extra for choosing the gender of the cashier. Since innovation happens every century or so at big businesses, the best new thing is to give your order to someone while feeling sexually aroused at the same time. Sure, it’s considered sick by many people, but there’s money to be made here. This also reduces the chances of any cashier becoming surprised when being hit on by a customer, or vice versa, since everyone will already know they will definitely be stalked afterwards; it’s going to become a legal right, as the customer will be paying pay for the service.

Some additions to the plan were suggested by fast food companies in the early stages of this draft that allowed customers to pay an extra fee, in addition to the initial additional charge, to find out things like the working hours of an employee or their home address. I didn’t find such plans to be safe, though, so the fast food places scrapped any such additions to the plan. To execute this plan, fast food places will allow customers to stand in two main lines: “For women“, and “For men.” The female line will have female customers and male cashiers, while the male line will have male customers and female cashiers. I’ve been approached and requested by several Gay and Lesbian community representatives and groups to accommodate their members into the plan also. I’ve upgraded the plan to allow having four lines instead of two: “For women“, “For men“, “Men for men“, and “Women for women.”

I was also approached by a few religious organizations who recommended I have separate lines based on the religious preference of a customer. At this moment, I cannot accept any such plans because of childhood memories of standing in lines based on religion and class, and also because many people objected to religious people stalking people of the same religion. However, some religious people had no problem stalking people belonging to a competing religion, and that’s what totally freaked me out. Also, when it comes to money, corporations don’t care about one’s religion. However, corporations do care about sexual preferences and stalking people, as that’s the new fad that’s seen as a positive thing by many people today, and thus has a lot of potential to bring in huge amounts of money.

There are no plans yet to introduce separate lines for transvestites and transsexuals yet, though I’ve been approached by such organizations as well. They should be addressed in the later part of the plan drafting.

These are the top 5 plans I’m working on to make it easier for corporations to do business while giving unique services to their customers.

What do you think about the above points? Is there any point or plan that should be added or analyzed further? As for me, I’m going to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) now, so I’ll stop here. If you liked any of these points, I’ve got a hundred more in the works also; you can contact me and hire me to allow you to use these and many more points, and to have me provide consulting too. Thank you for reading.

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