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The laptop is 1 month and 3 days old today. Who could have done such a thing? What heartless bastard could have broken into a house, probably harassed the cat, and taken an innocent infant laptop who was just sitting there?! The neighbor’s house was also broken into, but the neighbor did not have any bastard children laptops, so no laptop child was stolen from that house. How strange it is, that one house suffers nothing but a broken door and trauma, while the house next door ends up with a broken door, trauma, a traumatized perverted cat, and a missing laptop child.

Victims’ and the Crime profile

This is a real theft people. Sure, you may not believe some things as you may assume it is out of this world, but the laptop was stolen yesterday, and your help is needed.

Reward?: Yes, and this is real. $500 reward through Paypal to anyone who finds or helps Ronald actually find and recover the laptop undamaged.

Where?: Huntsville, Alabama, USA

When?: Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007, between 7 am and 11 am

Type: Apple MacBook Pro, 15″, silver, 2 Gig RAM, 7200 RPM 160GB HD.

Age: Only a month, 3 days old laptop child

Mother: Apple [sold her baby to Ronald on the black market called the Apple store]

Father: Ronald [under investigation by the National Laptops Welfare & Long Battery Life Association [NLWLBLA] for suspicion of buying a laptop child on the black market]

Name or Model # of the victim: A1226

Nickname or Serial number of the victim: W87371FAXAG

Secret lovers: The cat [rumored by angry neighborhood cats. No evidence to confirm or deny this claim]

Instructions for the cops and others to follow

This is a note to all the cops, the community, and anyone who cares about young children, young laptop heartless children to be precise! Imagine the lonely laptop, sitting there without a cover, without a mouse, without the cruel abusive master of an owner who only now realizes the value of the laptop child, and most important of all, without the secret cat lover!

All cops should keep on the lookout for any depressed laptop child that is not turned on. By turned on, I mean turned on screen-wise and not literally, though if you thought I meant literally you are in the same class as the secret cat lover. Anyhow, back to the kidnapping topic! All highway patrol cars are advised to focus on expensive car drivers going empty handed to poor areas and coming back to rich homes in rich areas with a new Apply MacBook Pro. Poor folks can’t afford such a laptop baby, so probably some rich sucker would want to save a thousand on an already expensive product and bring it back to lala land only to discover that the laptop child was kidnapped from Ronald and the lesbian cat.

Non-federal authorities aren’t of help, so hitmen have been hired

So far, non-federal authorities have been uncooperative or unsuccessful in helping the quest to find the missing laptop child. The local rental association has no video, audio or picture record or any recollection of a baby being kidnapped and taken to a car, nor any video or pictures of any people coming in or out of the complex.

Apple, the corporation that not only provides people with laptop children but also can take those laptop childs’ brains away if needed, cannot help either unless and until someone connects the laptop child to the internet and accesses the internet, at which point Apple will terminate [HEAVEN FORBID] the laptop child. Ohhh the horror this world sees! “If I can’t have my laptop child, no one can!” Ronalds’ decision to hire the professional hitman corporation, Apple, is not yet backfiring. Maybe it will be after the fate of the laptop child is sealed and public that we will see heartless child rights organizations going after Ronald for his decision to not allow his laptop child to live if it is not sitting on his lap or next to the cat.

My community aspect of the investigation, and the Iron Claw Assassin

In my research, where I tried to offer help in the neighborhood aspect of the investigation, I found out that I was not welcome anywhere, and that no one wanted to tell me about the missing child. “Why?” I thought. I wondered if everyone was part of this conspiracy. I wondered if everyone knew something but was afraid to tell me. I wondered if everyone knew something but did not want to tell me because they did not like me. Soon, however, I found out why no one wanted to tell me anything about the missing child. “What the hell is a macbook pro?“, “Are you stupid? Why in the world are you looking for a damn apple? Go buy another one from the grocery store you cashless psycho!” and “Who gives a damn about Apple! I have a dell with a D, as in DIE Apple!” were the three sets of answers I got from everyone. It seems no one knows where the damned child laptop is. So much for assuming that the community is of help; it never is. I am wondering if I should do my best to get to the attention-disordered laptop child before the hitmen do.

I am trying my best to locate the stealth Iron Claw Assassin. So far, all my inside agents have reported that they have been unable to locate the Iron Claw Assassin. All of my attempts to locate her have proved futile. That is sad, since the Iron Claw could have pursued the laptop child kidnappers and taken care of them the way The Mad, Mad, Mad Screamer was taken care of, and I am confident that the laptop child would have been recovered safely, albeit a few scratches because of the claw. Claw, holding the laptop child, scratch, pointed, sharp, get it? Better to get back a dented laptop child than no laptop child. Whatever case Iron Claw Assassin is working on, I wish she could finish it soon or just give it up to help us pursue this demonic laptop child that Ronald and the authorities are so obsessed about right now.

I have offered sacrifices to the sea in the form of throwing out trash that was in my car into lakes, rivers and oceans. I have bought nuts for the damned squirrels in Berkeley while avoiding the squirrel who shall not be named [seriously, he cannot be named, nor linked to, but you know how to find out more about him, don't you?], cleaned up after psycho, murdering cats, and even spied on all cats making out with other cats in the community in hopes of finding some laptop children nearby, since rumors say that the missing laptop child had affairs with Ronalds’ cat [more on that below]. So far, I have uncovered nothing, other than the mysterious looks from all cats that probably wonder “Why the hell is he looking at us while we kiss each other? EWWWWWWWW” I hope I can forget everything I am seeing today once, and if, the laptop child is found.

Rumors about affairs between the cat and the laptop child

I did find out through my contacts that there were some illegal affairs between the cat and the laptop child. Even though I was looking for evidence for such claims, deep inside me I remembered the cat when I had met it last month, and I realized that the cat did exhibit such lovely affections to every object inside Ronalds’ house, including me when I was there. However, think of the laptop child: you wouldn’t want your desktop or laptop child to suffer the same trauma, so why ignore this tragedy where a young pro-beastiality laptop child got kidnapped? Sure, you are against animal cruelty, but come on, this laptop was less than a month. So what if a month old laptop baby likes to feel touchy-touchy with a cat? Blame the grown up cat for seducing and having affairs with a child. As you can see from the image to the right, there are some public pictures of the cat trying to get close to the child laptop sexually. Heck, blame the photographer, Ronald, for taking such pictures and not stopping the cat and the laptop from feeling close in that manner!

Me, personally, I have no problem with the cat as I think it does not realize that many humans do not like such contacts with laptops. However, the issue here is the kidnapping of the laptop child, and not the pedophile cat or its master of a roommate Ronald who focused only on what the laptop could provide in terms of productivity and not on the relationship aspect of the laptops’ life. Let’s get the laptop child back now and let’s stalk the pedophile cat and yell at Ronald for being so careless later! Ronald is sad now, so let’s make sure he knows we are there for him! Hmmm ok wait, scratch that: I have to play an online game after this. Ok, Ronald is sad now, so let’s make sure he knows that YOU are there for him, and that I will be there for him soon hopefully. All this neighborhood investigation has bored me to death, so I need some time off. 6 minutes of total investigation takes a lot of effort people!

Community feels strong bias and discrimination by the police

Many community members have told me that they feel the law enforcement authorities are giving way too much attention to this even simply because it was an Apple laptop child that was stolen. “My damn’ Windows 95 laptop of 8 years was stolen last week and no one is investigating that“, a father of 2 new laptop children told me. Some other people pointed out the fact that most Windows laptops are dark in color, while the Apple laptops are usually white or silver in color. All local law enforcement authorities are denying that any racism is involved, citing that most law officers use computers running windows XP, that officers of many different colors from orange to blue to white to green to yellow to black to violet to red and more, are involved in the investigation. Furthermore, a short survey by me revealed that many officers do not know what a MacBook is, let alone know that Apple creates silver MacBook Pros; therefore, officers cannot discriminate against non-Apple laptop owners’ cases since they don’t even know what is missing. Ronald had to show them the laptop box, pictured above, to show the police officers the picture of the poor laptop child that was missing.

Those close to me want the laptop child to stay missing

My desktop and laptops are happy, though. They are laughing and saying “HAHA damn retarded over-hyped apple products! Doing the same exact thing that other products can do. Only thing they are definitely better at that is life-shattering is to get stolen and kidnapped.” Ignore my jealous desktop and laptop, please, and be well! They do not know what glamor is, since they grew up in a hard working family of computers which focused on bread and not gold, and thus they exist to help the poor and those in need instead of being like you, oh dear Apple MacBook Pro laptop child, where you focus mainly on those with fat wallets. You have a higher purpose in life but my laptop and desktops don’t, so please ignore their evil laughs and bad prayers, and instead be safe! When you get back you can laugh back at them!

What if you find any lonely laptop child?

So please, if you see a lonely baby laptop anywhere, see someone talking about selling a baby called “Apple MacBook Pro” or a see a child that has a 15″ screen sitting by the road somewhere, go and talk to the laptop child! See what is going on. Maybe it’s the laptop child Ronald lost! Maybe it is someone elses’ child! Who knows. If the laptop child does not belong to anyone, ask the police. Ask the local hospital. Ask the local tech shops and electronic stores. If no one knows the history of the laptop child you find, do one thing please: sell the laptop child.

Sell it on Amazon, on ebay, on craigslist, anywhere you wish. Since you tried and couldn’t find the laptop childs’ original home, you might as well make some money.

Take action, or make money!

So please, go get your holy books ready to pray for Ronalds’ laptop child, go get your jacket or t-shirt on to go look for the laptop, take out your own desktop and laptop child to search for the missing child laptop. And in the end get your Craigslist, ebay, and Amazon seller accounts ready. For if you do find a laptop child and cannot find where the laptop child came from, you can help find it a new home if you do not want to use it or do not want to get caught, and earn some money along the way too.

$500 reward for finding the laptop

This is also the part which you have to take the most seriously. Ronald is offering a $500 reward to anyone who can recover or find his laptop so Ronald can get his laptop back, undamaged. Ronald will pay you via Paypal.

Look for any Apple laptop child with the model number A1226 and serial number W87371FAXAG.

This is hoping that the laptop child is able to sleep tonight without any problems! My thoughts and wishes and my heart is with you, though my desktop and laptop are still praying that you die a horrible, anti-Microsoft death. Let us see what happens.

If you have any information about this Satan laptop child or would like to help with this ongoing investigation, please e-mail me or contribute below. Thank you!

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1. You own an iPod, or something similar.

   Think of the iPod as a luxury. Majority of the world cannot afford to buy food once a day, yet you have an iPod. You could have gotten the iPod as a gift from someone, or you could have bought it yourself. Now, how does this make sure that you are not poor? If you ask someone to lend you $100, while your iPod can be sold for $70, it means you want someone else to be inconvenienced by them giving you their money, while you do not want to give up listening to your iPod. Similarly, if you have something along the same lines, like a new laptop, and cannot part with it, you may not be poor. You can easily sell a laptop and get some money for it.

   Exceptions: Your job may depend on the laptop, or in some very rare cases, the iPod. Someone close to you may have given you the iPod and thus you cannot sell it, or else they will be greatly offended. Your iPod may probably be so old that you can only get $5 from it while you do not have money to pay the rent, which costs a couple of thousand dollars, etc. Of course, I can also say that if you can get $5 from your iPod, it means you are doing your best to make sure you utilize every resource possible before feeling that you are helpless and poor.

2. You can afford to buy a home or pay rent

   Home is another important factor that people and society have worked together to create. If you can afford to buy a home or pay rent for your current place of living, you are most probably not poor. Some ways to save money could be to cut off on living expenses: using less electricity, finding a cheaper place, selling off the home, renting a room to someone, etc.

   Exceptions: Even if you find a cheaper place, you may still not have the money you need. You may also already have the cheapest place anyone could get, unless you had a gun to force the landlord into lowering your rent. However, a gun usually costs money, so a really poor person may not be able to afford that. Unless, however, you use a knife to get a gun, but a knife costs too. Unless you use…..ok, never mind.

3. You can buy large combo meals from fast food places every day

   Food prices are a good way to measure the performance of an economy, and food is also a good way to measure the strength of your bank account, if you have one. If you can buy at least 2 large combo meals at McDonald’s or Carls. Jr.s every day, you are probably not poor. Why? You can buy cheaper stuff at grocery stores and cook things yourself for weeks, saving more than half the money you spend in a month on fast food.

   Exceptions: You don’t know how to cook, you do not have a kitchen, you get gift cards or coupons for the fast food purchase, etc.

4. You can buy the things you want

   The things you need are usually different than the things you want. Wanting to eat food daily is something you need. Wanting to buy coffee and chocolate everyday, in addition to other kinds of food, can be something you want. If you can afford to buy things that can be avoided on a regular basis, chances are you are not poor. Paying for a blog, host, design and extra features for your site just for a hobby also means that you are probably not poor since you can afford such a thing.

   I knew this guy once who would drink coffee 3 times a day, finish a pack of premium cigarettes every day, buy food supplies and also eat at fast food places multiple times a day. On top of that, he would ask from time to time to lend him something so he could pay his rent. I calculated his expenses with him and in front of him, and figured that he was spending around $250 for the things I just listed above. How much did he want me to lend him? Around $100 or so. I told him about this, and he stopped being friendly after that.

   Exceptions: You are addicted to smoking. By addicted, I do not mean that if you do not smoke you feel weird. No, feeling weird for not smoking is an excuse for people who want a lame excuse to keep spending money. By addicted, I mean if you stop smoking or drinking you feel extreme depression, or you get seizures and have to go to the hospital, etc. Also, without things like coffee, you may actually get literal headaches throughout the day resulting in you getting admitted to the hospital. Also, things like blog may maintain your sanity by allowing you to express yourself, and without that, you would be poor and insane, though some can say that such a reason is simply an excuse to spend on your blog while you do not have enough money for offline things.

   Another important exception to this rule is if you are Bes: Bes needs and wants chocolate every single day; no exception to this rule. Period. Bes used to give packs of chocolate to homeless people before someone threw it back at Bes and yelled “I want some change! What the HELL am I gonna do with that?” Bes apologized and moved on, and ever since, Bes has been thinking of never giving away any chocolate, but keeping it in the fridge to devour while writing posts at night.

5. You can buy things for others

   If you can buy things for others, you are most probably the opposite of poor. You may be rich. There is nothing wrong with buying a $500 watch for your boy/girlfriend, but there is something wrong with buying a $500 watch to impress someone and asking someone else to lend you $200 for your car payment at the same time.

   Exceptions: You feel your job or some relationship depends on you buying something for others so much, that you do not even have enough money for some personal things, like your own rent, enough food, etc. Sure, such an exception means you do not know how to have a good relationship and are in touch with the wrong people, but it also means that you may be poor and cannot help it. Another exception may be that you are raising a child or someone, and you want that child or anyone depending on your financially to be really happy, and thus you are sacrificing your own financial happiness.

I hope this list helps you realize whether or not you are really poor. Also, if you want to borrow money from someone, you may think twice before asking someone to part with their money, while you do not part with yours.

Can you think of more things to add to this list?

A good next topic could be “5 situations in which you wish you were poor.” Thanks for reading.

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