But seriously, great post! I was looking for some of the principals behind verbal judo that I had learned years ago and I stumbled upon your site. I was responding to an email I received attacking my website’s contribution to the environmental movement. At the core of the discussion was the issue of changing behavior. I didn’t find this until after I responded but I was refreshed to find this post reaffirmed not only my position, but the tactics I used to convey my points. In a former life when I attended the police academy we were trained in “Verbal Judo” and while the specific tactics escape me I spent years trying to get uncooperative people to cooperate and I had a lot of success using the approach you discuss above. Despite working in a very busy and sometimes rough area I very rarely had to use force, instead I empowered the people I was dealing with to make the choices I wanted them to make. It was much easier to do this on the job because it wasn’t personal so I could be objective and make concessions without sacrificing my ego (plus I had the luxury of knowing that I would always win the confrontation, either by voluntary compliance or by force). It is a challenge however, to not get personal in my personal life when I find myself debating philosophy, politics… and I always find that once I become emotionally invested in the argument it is all down hill from there.

Great site, keep up the good work!

I’m glad you like this article. Being surrounded by those who do not appreciate you even through criticism is not a good thing for either the employee, the employer, or the corporation.

I’m guessing you have a single boss who likes to tell you how she is right and you are wrong? What industry do you work in, if I may ask?

So many times, it may seem to hard to tell a boss “I disagree, I think this way is the better and correct way.” Many bosses realize this, while many more simply think that being a boss means bossing around.

Next time I’ll just show her the dictionary.

Ronalfy, thanks! That is interesting to know, that you were advised not to use the “you” word with customers.

I like your example; it explains things clearly. Thanks again Ronalfy!

broc, thanks for stopping by and commenting! Yes, there is usually the urge to tell people what they did wrong, but somehow the human nature makes us more defensive than appreciative when told that we did something wrong. I hope to see more comments and insight by you in the future.

Iris, thanks! I am glad you like this article. It is indeed “better to talk about the matters” than about the people in many situations, unless you are comfortable and sure that you can convey your message effectively. Thanks again Iris.

Noor, thanks for stopping by and commenting, I really appreciate it! Those are interesting quotes, thanks for explaining. We should remember policies and tips about communicating with others effectively at all times, as if it was built right into our minds.

Thanks again! Hope to see you on the site more.

“For those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don’t understand, no explanation is possible”

I hope you will find it useful.

Greeting from Kuala Kangsar, Malaysia.

Iris
http://iristwo.blogspot.com/

Bes, you are the opposite of wrong!

When I worked at Walgreens, we were “coached” never to use the word “you” to a customer. By using the word “you”, the argument was automatically personal.

Compare these two statements:

1. “You shouldn’t have left your camera out in the sun because the film got too hot.”
2. “It looks like the film was exposed to some extreme heat.”

Please, feel free to tell me anytime that I am wrong. I don’t mind coming from you at all! Talk to you soon, and like I said, it is really nice to hear from you again.