Avoid telling people they are wrong
One of the biggest mistakes I see people making everyday is to tell someone during an argument: “You are wrong.” Those three words, when combined, have a very scary effect on people. The word “You” makes a statement very personal. The word “are” makes it sound like there is no way to argue about it. The final word is like a final blow in an action movie: “wrong” says that someone is stupid enough to not be right, since that word is coming out of someone else’s mouth with so much intensity.
Many people do not like to be told what to do, let alone be told that they are wrong. Even if a person is wrong, he/she becomes defensive because of the natural instinct of not wanting to look like a fool in front of others. That is what you make someone feel or look like, a fool, when you tell them that they are wrong so clearly. Avoid telling others they are wrong. Focus on other things instead to make your point.
Telling someone they are wrong can be like telling them they are inferior
When you tell someone they are wrong, you make an argument very personal. When people are arguing about a personal argument, they are usually not looking for the truth. They are instead looking for ways to prove that they are not wrong. Try not to make an argument personal. You never know how some people may react when they think you are trying to act smarter than them. Why would people think that? Because when you tell someone they are wrong, it means you are smart enough to realize that they are wrong. People do not like to feel inferior compared to someone else. Instead of telling people they are wrong, tell them why an argument may not be logical, or why another argument may be better.
If you simply must tell others that they are wrong, first tell them that you maybe wrong
Instead of telling people they are wrong, first find anything in their argument that you can agree on. Online, through your reactions, even acknowledging the fact that you may have made a mistake or that you understand the logic others used when saying something shows that that you agree with someone’s criticism. That someone will then try to not be too defensive, since you already agreed to something and they got a sense of relief that you are starting to understand their viewpoint. How can someone argue with you when they see you accepting their ideas and admitting to your own mistakes?
If you still want to show that others are wrong, first admit that you may be wrong, and then pursue the situation with something that will convince them voluntarily that they may be wrong. Try to show the other side the facts that may make them realize their own mistakes. People never like being told they are wrong since they feel embarrassed over such a pinpointing by other people. Compared to being told they are wrong, people will love admitting they are wrong on their own, since that shows they have the skills to analyze a situation and they have the courage to admit mistakes. Many people love exhibiting such traits.
Convince people something is right instead of telling them they they are wrong
If you want to convince people that something is wrong, you have to show them why you think something else is right. Showing people they are wrong may get you agreements in heated arguments, but those people will hate you for forcing them to realize in public, whether on the internet in front of millions of people or in person in front of you, that they were wrong and you were right.
The basic idea of this entire article can summarized into one question: Do you like the idea of people realizing why you think something is right, or do you like the idea of telling and showing people that they are wrong?
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( March 25th, 2007 at 3:04 am )
Great post Bes. I agree 100%, when you critiize people you are raising barriers between you and them. No one likes to be critized, there is no such a thing a constructive critisism when it is on personal level.
By the way, I assume you have read Dale Carnegie’s masterpiece?
( March 25th, 2007 at 1:24 pm )
Daniel, thank you for adding that point about constructive criticism. It is so true. We need to reduce barriers instead of creating them. If we want to create barriers, we can avoid talking to certain people all together, or we can criticize them personally, on purpose, to create a source of extreme conflict.
Also, yes, “Dale Carnegie’s masterpiece” is amazing and I like it.
How have you found it so far? Have to read his other books also?
( March 25th, 2007 at 9:27 pm )
Ah Bes, how I have missed you these past few months! I look forward to our AIM conversations, and I will most definitely keep this post in mind if we ever come to an impasse.
( March 26th, 2007 at 11:46 am )
Birdie, I am so glad to hear from you again!
I have to leave my AIM on now, heh.
Please, feel free to tell me anytime that I am wrong. I don’t mind coming from you at all!
Talk to you soon, and like I said, it is really nice to hear from you again.
( March 26th, 2007 at 3:51 pm )
It’s all about Google Talk
Bes, you are the opposite of wrong!
When I worked at Walgreens, we were “coached” never to use the word “you” to a customer. By using the word “you”, the argument was automatically personal.
Compare these two statements:
1. “You shouldn’t have left your camera out in the sun because the film got too hot.”
2. “It looks like the film was exposed to some extreme heat.”
( March 26th, 2007 at 4:14 pm )
in arguments i always find myself wanting to scream that but know that it would only have the adverse effect that i would intend
( March 26th, 2007 at 8:26 pm )
[...] Zain helps you with your verbal judo. Go. Become wise [...]
( March 27th, 2007 at 2:14 am )
I like this article. We should focus on just things but not people. Instead of telling people they are wrong, it’s better to talk about the matters and also it helps deal with things more properly.
Iris
http://iristwo.blogspot.com/
( March 28th, 2007 at 12:34 am )
[...] If only the rental car company would not argue with someone who just posted about the dangers of telling someone they are wrong. [...]
( March 30th, 2007 at 2:25 am )
On my right sidebar, I posted an awesome saying by a friend of mine, An Irish Friend of Bill Regarding ‘arguments’ and disagreement generally…
“Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.”
“For those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don’t understand, no explanation is possibleâ€
I hope you will find it useful.
Greeting from Kuala Kangsar, Malaysia.
( April 5th, 2007 at 10:00 am )
I apologize for the late reply. I was traveling and just got back recently.
Ronalfy, thanks!
That is interesting to know, that you were advised not to use the “you” word with customers.
I like your example; it explains things clearly.
Thanks again Ronalfy!
broc, thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Yes, there is usually the urge to tell people what they did wrong, but somehow the human nature makes us more defensive than appreciative when told that we did something wrong. I hope to see more comments and insight by you in the future. 
I am glad you like this article. It is indeed “better to talk about the matters” than about the people in many situations, unless you are comfortable and sure that you can convey your message effectively. Thanks again Iris.
Iris, thanks!
Noor, thanks for stopping by and commenting, I really appreciate it!
Those are interesting quotes, thanks for explaining. We should remember policies and tips about communicating with others effectively at all times, as if it was built right into our minds.
Thanks again! Hope to see you on the site more.
( June 30th, 2007 at 12:10 am )
[...] Jack will be happier, and so will you. Basically, avoid telling people they are wrong. [...]
( February 3rd, 2008 at 3:11 am )
Woohoo. Great to read your article. I have had a string of idiot bosses over the last few years. Which has left me asking myself - “How does one fly like an eagle when surrounded by turkeys?” I hate the humiliation of being told I am wrong when I know I am right. Especially about things that are plain, hard facts. I don’t mind people disagreeing with me when it is all a matter of opinion but when your boss is ignorant, it is so difficult.
Thank you for the article. Helpful.
Next time I’ll just show her the dictionary.
( February 12th, 2008 at 10:43 pm )
Hey Tina, thanks for the response, and I apologize for the delay in my response.
I’m glad you like this article. Being surrounded by those who do not appreciate you even through criticism is not a good thing for either the employee, the employer, or the corporation.
I’m guessing you have a single boss who likes to tell you how she is right and you are wrong? What industry do you work in, if I may ask?
So many times, it may seem to hard to tell a boss “I disagree, I think this way is the better and correct way.” Many bosses realize this, while many more simply think that being a boss means bossing around.
( May 29th, 2008 at 6:59 am )
Bes you are wrong
But seriously, great post! I was looking for some of the principals behind verbal judo that I had learned years ago and I stumbled upon your site. I was responding to an email I received attacking my website’s contribution to the environmental movement. At the core of the discussion was the issue of changing behavior. I didn’t find this until after I responded but I was refreshed to find this post reaffirmed not only my position, but the tactics I used to convey my points. In a former life when I attended the police academy we were trained in “Verbal Judo” and while the specific tactics escape me I spent years trying to get uncooperative people to cooperate and I had a lot of success using the approach you discuss above. Despite working in a very busy and sometimes rough area I very rarely had to use force, instead I empowered the people I was dealing with to make the choices I wanted them to make. It was much easier to do this on the job because it wasn’t personal so I could be objective and make concessions without sacrificing my ego (plus I had the luxury of knowing that I would always win the confrontation, either by voluntary compliance or by force). It is a challenge however, to not get personal in my personal life when I find myself debating philosophy, politics… and I always find that once I become emotionally invested in the argument it is all down hill from there.
Great site, keep up the good work!