5 signs of narrow-minded, selfish friends that can hurt you
14 Aug
Today I would like to talk about 5 random signs your friends may have which, upon observation, classify those friends in many situations as being either narrow-minded or selfish, or both. I am writing this list as I am seeing an increasing trend of such stereotypical behaviors being promoted both online and offline. This article will hopefully be updated as time passes, and as I get more input. I am also including some general personal concepts of personal examples of how others see me in order to explain things more.
Even though all friends should be equal, sometimes some friends should be identified as having certain traits in order to not let such friends use the idea of friendship to take advantage of you. Realizing how and what kind of narrow-mindedness or selfishness your friend may have can help you figure out whether someone is doing it on consciously or unconsciously, even though the damage itself does not care about such things. That is why sometimes simply letting things go in a friendship can be good, and sometimes not letting things go in a friendship can be good. You have to realize answers to different things for each and every situation and friend.
Some things to keep in mind about supposed selfish and narrow-minded friends before you read the signs
Since I have divided a single concept of being narrow-minded and selfish into specific points, I think there are a few things to keep in mind while reading this list. First, I am assuming we know what friendship means and what a friend is, and that we also know how to identify friends and how to identify people who are not friends but who love the idea of calling everyone a friend. Second, identifying such traits as below does not mean that your friend are definitely narrow-minded or selfish. Also, many times friends may simply be acting in certain manners because no one has told or showed them otherwise, and thus you telling them about it somehow can help. You may also be misinterpreting things due to some complex nature of your friendship. Your friend may simply be acting selfish or narrow-minded in one or only a few instances related to something because of some reason, and you may mistakenly assume that your friend is completely narrow-minded or selfish. Therefore, we are talking about friends who keep exhibiting the traits below over and over again, and not just once and never again.
Also, by selfish, I mean the real evil selfishness where a selfish friend may indirectly harm another innocent friend simply to gain something for their own selfish interest, no matter how big or small such harm may be. Other than that, I am the type of human being who considers everyone to have a lot of selfish things, as I have been pointing out for years on my site. For example, I wrote this article with the selfish purpose of expressing myself and for wanting to get heard by at least one [any] individual out there. Sure, such a thing cannot be considered selfish by many people, and many people may say I am too caring of others. I agree, and while such a trait can be extremely bad and dangerous to my own self, I have a principle of wanting to applying both random and non-random principles to things, as it allows me to realize when an act is bad and when it is not, among many other things. Similarly, I focus a lot on real selfish things in other people, selfish things that tend to hurt others on purpose.
All of the following signs are some of the signs from my countless experiences with different kind of friends.
5 signs of narrow-minded, selfish friends
- Friends who come close only when they are depressed
This type of friend comes close only when they are depressed. This also means that they do not interact with you even if you want to ask for some guidance or help. For such friends, your good qualities that they can use in order to become happy or happier or distracted, tend to be the only friendly aspect they wish to see in you.
Whether or not such friends realize their behavior, you can get used because of their narrow-mindedness. There is nothing wrong with being down and needing help, whether emotionally, mentally or physically. However, there is something seriously wrong with making sure that friends are only needed when you are depressed, and not appreciated on purpose when you are not depressed.
- Friends who come close only when you agree with them
This type of friends wants everyone to agree with them. There cannot be disagreements or ignoring any topic, and if you disagree, you will be treated differently.
Handling such friends can be tricky, since handling friends overall is tricky enough by itself. How do you convince someone to still respect you and still act 100% when you disagree about something with them? Whether it is something related to business or a personal opinion about a personal issue, these friends wants everyone to agree with them. They will not show such a behavior easily, and anytime they accept disagreements or different options, they will brag about such a behavior. However, when they cannot control themselves anymore, they will hate you and not respect your friendship simply because you disagree about anything that they support, or vice versa.
- Friends who go away when you try to pinpoint issues
This type of friends cannot hear any form of issues or problems with anything, even if such issues and problems may be affecting the friendship. Many of such friends love pointing issues themselves, but if you point them, they act weird.
Many times, two friends can be completely different. That is why if one is acting in a manner that is affect the other one negatively, it is better to bring up the issue somehow in order to address it. However, your friend might simply act distant or unresponsive if you bring up the issue even in the most respectful and light manner. If you try to bring an issue, they will become defensive or try to act rude by not focusing on the friendship aspect of things.
- Friends who act stubborn and righteous all the time
These types of friend want to be right all the time. They are also opposed to realizing that some problem may be because of their own actions or thoughts. Many of such friends also love to point issues with others all the time, similar to the #4 type of friends above, while not accepting the fact that maybe they themselves may not be right about something.
Such supposed friends act immature many times by not actually acting like monkeys, but through their changed behavior regarding many things. This can be mainly because of being spoiled in many ways, and they do not realize it. They had rather tell others all the time what is wrong with others instead of realizing any problem in their own self.
- Friends who hate some things about you unethically and let that hate affect their interaction with you
This can be one of the most complicated types of friends. You may have a friend who hates something about you unethically, like your race, background, your way of doing things, and because of that hate, such people will let the friendship be affected all the time, or whenever such friends feel moody.
How do we know when a friend discriminates? How do we know when a friend has racist bias against you? How do we know when a friend hates you for something like your background, your name, your gender, your sex, your job, or something else? Such questions can bother your mind when it comes to realizing why a friend is acting in a certain manner. Such questions plague me regularly when it comes to some friends I know.
There you have it. The above are 5 signs of selfish or narrow-minded friends that can affect you negatively directly and indirectly through the friendship.
What is one of the main reasons for all of this? Not being considerate.
Majority of such issues as above happen because of one thing: not being considerate of others. Many friends can have their own logic, but they will not be considerate of others. Such people may not realize that, or they may hide such a trait under different unrelated ideas in order to not look bad, like “being strong“, or “not caring about opposition“, or “not being affected by things easily” or something similar. All such things do exist, but not in the world of inconsiderate people; inconsiderate people simply use such words to hide their inconsiderate and selfish nature.
Many people are simply inconsiderate of others. The more you are considerate of others, the more you realize how someone else may be taking advantage of you since you can easily realize the situations when being considerate of others can happen only when someone else is unfairly wanting everything and not being considerate of you on purpose.
I say “on purpose” above since many times a friend might be inconsiderate of you unconsciously, in which case you can bring up such a situation somehow in order to make sure your friendship is not affected by your friend’s behavior.
A live example of being considerate in your own life?
An example in point for everything? In the entire article above, I talked about other selfish and arrow-minded friends. I did not classify you as being one of them, and I did not classify myself as one of them either. It is one of the many writing styles to talk about others as examples. However, did you ever think “I wonder about the times when Bes may be wrong or inconsiderate of others.” Did you notice me pointing the finger only at others without pointing it at you or myself? Realizing such things can help a lot in finding out different things about ourselves, before we start finding those same things in others. My reason for not pointing fingers at you as an example or myself is to talk about things that I have experience with and people I really know. Also, hopefully the above points are something that are not present in me, as I can easily identify them in many people.
Most of the offline people I know say that I am the most considerate person they have ever met. Am I considerate of everything and everyone? No. However, as I live life everyday, I learn more about more things as time passes, and about more people as I interact with more and more people to make sure I am considerate about as many things as possible. That is one of my qualities: I can be considerate of others even if I have to make myself uncomfortable. That is simply my character, and of course in many cases it is not a limitless trait that never stops for any reason.
The topic of consideration warrants so much coverage or importance in my view, that I hope I can write at least one book on the subject, or something related, within the next three years. I think this article should be enough to serve as a brief summary of the introduction of what the concept of being considerate can do to friendships on a general, broad level.
How do you ignore such problems and focus on friendship?
You cannot. You can never ignore such problems if they keep coming back and if you want a good friend, or else your friendship will be more like a stereotypical business deal where two parties are so desperate for money [or something physical or mental in the friendship] that everything else like happiness or real respect and real appreciation will be forgotten. The friendships, where problems are ignored, turn into friendships that have nothing friendly about them.
As for me, I have the “nasty habit“, as some people say, of valuing friendships a lot and on working a lot on solving issues. There is a cut off point, though, where a friendship is more dangerous than anything, and where the permanent danger cannot be avoided unless one forgoes the friendship. That can be an article for another day.
Thank you for reading, and thank you for hopefully being considerate of my bragging of both of my good and bad points related to my concept and value of relationships and friendships, which I did on purpose to help clarify further the things I am trying to show about friendships.
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This article has given me so much insight and I truelly relate with everything you have mentioned above. It really is sad how people can take friendships for granted.
OHMYGOODNESS….. I have more than one friend I would like to send this to! This is one of the toughest challenges I face when it comes to friends. It is so hard to be patient with difficult friends, but I guess the choice is either to deal with it, or confront them! :| Thanks for a great article.
Hi Bes:
Enjoyed your article–I’m a journalist and author focusing on those relationships that don’t survive.
I hope you will visit my blog: http://www.fracturedfriendships.com
Best,
Irene
And your inspiration for this….? :)
i will also know what was your insperation
Thats was a great post 5 out of 5..
Thanks !!!
Candice, thank you for the comment. :)
I am glad that you can relate to what I am writing, and yes, it can be really “sad” or disappointing to see how people can abuse friendships, specially if I [or someone in question] am involved in that friendship.
Thanks again. I really appreciate your comment.
educationblogger, thank you for the comment.
Regarding confrontation, which path do you usually choose, or have chosen in the past?
Also, since i am getting a lot of commentors using general keywords for their comment usernames, do you think it would be possible to change your comment username to include your name or something more unique so that it can be identified easily? That can help avoid multiple comments having the same generic username.
Irene S. Levine, thank you for the comment. I really appreciate it. :)
I have bookmarked your site; thank for letting me know about it. I would really appreciate it if you could offer any insight or advice or your opinion on the any of the many friendship and relationships topics that I have written and will be writing. :)
Valerie, thanks for the nice question. ;) My inspiration for this is 5 people I know, some of them online.
Dirk, thanks for the question too. As I told Valerie above, inspiration came from people I know. :)
Bollywood Hollywood Online, thanks for the comment, and I appreciate the kind words/ranking.
As I asked educationblogger above, do you think it would be possible to change your comment username to something more specific and not generic? With more and more comments have the same keywords, it can become hard to identify the commentors.
I didn’t see your name on your article, but noticed a response to ‘Bes’. Must be you. So…
Hi Bes,
How did I end up reading your piece? Well, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching around the fact that I’ve chosen to detach from four relationships in the past two weeks. (2 were online, one a long-time ‘friend’ and one, my ex-husband, also a very good friend.) Obviously, this is a big deal, and very painful… for me. I’ve been trying to get very clear about my decisions: what was it that made these relationships so frustrating, unfulfilling, and hurtful for me? Or, to turn it around the other way, what have I been tollerating for so long (for years with my friend & my ex), and why?
This morning I felt like I honed in on it. What these people were not consistently enough able to demonstrate was — being considerate. I’ve been allowing myself to be hurt by people who are basically extremely self-centered and inconsiderate.
So, I thought I’d look online to see if anything intelligent had been written on the subject that might help me through my difficult transitions. And I found your post. Bingo. Bull’s eye. You nailed it.
I find it a joyful challenge to be considerate to others, and sometimes, the rewards are unexpectedly great. Showing consideration to others is not hard for me; it comes naturally.
What I’m talking about is not just being polite, and neither were you. We’re talking about being considerate of others’ feelings… their hearts. It seems to me like so many people’s hearts are just closed. (Yes, I’m sure because of fear, because of childhood trauma, etc.) I know this is going to sound naive, but it always shocks me to realize that SO MANY people are emotionally mute, &/or actually cruel.
When I try to discuss an ‘issue’ between us, calmly and with respect for their feelings, they just end up lashing out unexpectedly and attacking or withdrawing completely… defending themselves against having to dip down into that scary place of feelings.
Well, I can have empathy and I can forgive, but what I’m coming to realize (and I may live to regret it :) is that you can’t have a RELATIONship if one of the people involved will not RELATE – openly, rationally, and with consideration for the other person’s feelings. (without having a drink in their hand! ha ha. and yet…)
I’m down to just a few friends, and it will interesting to see how this all works out: weather it will be better for me to not be dealing with the disappointment and pain of having non-reciprocating ‘friends’ in my life, or weather I will open my eyes to some other perspective that will change the way I feel right now.
Is is possible that some of us just care WAY more than others?
I’m glad I found your article. It’s a very important topic. Good luck on writing and publishing your book.
Anne
Hi Bes
My sentiments are the same as Anne’s. I just had to find out whether it was me or a certain friend who frustrates me all the time with his criticisms. Yes he is inconsiderate of my feelings. I explained to him that sometimes it was better to keep hush, rather than to hurt some-one’s feelings, but he honestly doesn’t seem to appreciate this. He thinks he is so full of wisdom that whatever he does or says is the “way-to-go”. I know differently.
charmaine
Thank you so much Anne, for sharing! It must have been really hard to express a lot of things you said, and I am really happy that you found my writing to be even a little bit good enough to allow any analysis.
You nailed it well in many areas: many people are not considerate. They will cry and vent their emotions about their problems but when you mention even a small thing in your life they will act emotionless. Being considerate of others is indeed very, very important in my view, even though many times the rewards do not come to us. Some times, however, the rewards are amazing as you pointed out. Also, I am glad you said it so well: showing consideration should come naturally. You should not be forcing it the way customer service at banks force smiles and words of appreciation towards customers. The real feelings that exist inside humans should be appreciated.
I like that word to describe emotionless people: cruel. You are right: you must have something to relate to, even if it is a feeling of differences and an understanding, in order to have any sort of a real relationship. How can there be action without a mental emotion or thought? I am so sorry, literally, to hear that you detached yourself from some people you considered to be close. I personally think that even with detachment, memories of maybe happiness and also regret will always be there. What can we do? Many times people do not realize how much they have hurt someone who cares, and thus those emotionless people have a huge ego where they can rarely accept the blame. One minute you feel like thinking “Screw you!” about the emotionless people, and the next minute you think “Well, so sad it didn’t work out, wow, life is so weird! ><” and then you hope to forget things.
To answer your question: yes, fortunately or unfortunately, some of us care way more than others. Someone tells me online that they are having problems and I try to think all day and offline too, about solving that problem or what that person is going through. However, turning it around and using a real example: I was in the hospital last year in a life-death situation, and when I told people about it after I had come out of the hospital, they had the typical “Oh my ggoddd!” word-reaction, while not actually caring. They moved on within a minute. People think that them not showing or having emotions is because them having emotions will not have. What they do not know is that they are incapable of having any emotions, and all they can do is to cry for someone elses’ emotion and attention when they themselves are in need.
I am really glad you read this, and that you can relate. I hope you come back again and share more of your experience or words, as they help a lot, specially in realizing more that I am not just writing things that no one gets. A person who can show and have emotions is stronger than a person with no emotions, for people with emotions have to go through more hurdles and feelings than emotionless people to achieve the same things. You are way better than many people, simply because you look at emotions as a life element itself and not as something that you are afraid to talk about even online. I am going to write more about similar topics and feelings because of your comment.
Thanks Anne, I really, really appreciate it! Whenever I finish my book, whenever it may be, I am going to give you a free signed copy [maybe some day that signature can be worth a lot :) ].
Hi, Bes. I really enjoyed your comments, too. I have been going through this with someone for more than 2 years now and holding in a lot of hurt feelings the whole time. The last few days I feel like I am getting close to the breaking point and may actually completely confront them on their inconsiderateness and the hurt they’ve caused. I feel afraid to do this, too, though. This is the parent of a teenage son that my teenage son interacts with a couple of times a week at a tennis center. The parent is constantly bragging about their child’s every accomplishment, their family’s every activity, etc. This really brings me and my child down. I politely listen and don’t brag in return, not wanting to encourage this kind of conversation. I am not interested in a competition. I don’t feel like she really wants to hear or cares about any of my son’s accomplishments, except to somehow learn from them so as to benefit her son in the future somehow. Her son is arrogant and absorbing his mother’s superior attitudes. Meanwhile my child is lonely and doesn’t really have any true, close friends and his self-image is being damaged. Relationships are often so difficult. I’m not doing a very good job of modeling for my child how to deal with people like this. I either act like a wimp and take it or I confront them and the relationship is over. I’m not sure there is anything in between, especially in a situation where the person does not really care about us; we are just convenient. It’s just a social situation she finds herself in because of her child and she’s making herself feel good on a regular basis at our expense. Yuck! Add to this, that she throws in frequent references to how good and Christian they are, too. The woman seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that her incessant bragging may actually make the other person feel “putdown” by implied comparison. I’ve bookmarked your site, too. Thanks for the insights. They really do help. I will continue to follow as the discussion continues.
Hi Shelley.
Thanks for the comment. I am wondering: are you Anne also [above]? Just making sure so I know what I am talking about.
Now before I continue, I want to ask you what hints and tips you may have for me or others when it comes to interacting with such people [the lady you run into], so hopefully i can learn too and apply some solutions in my life here too. As for something from my side, I have a few hints which I would really love if you could read and let me know here or via e-mail whether or not you think can work or have substance.
It indeed can be extremely hard to confront many people, specially someone who is close either physically or mentally or both, about the inconsiderate attitude they may be exhibiting towards you. That other person you mention sounds like majority of the people around us, who are typical in terms of talking and bragging about themselves without caring about others. You may notice that all around us, specially online. People coming online or sending e-mails to talk to you, ask about things and then bam! They start talking about themselves since they want to express something, without caring anything about what you’re going through or what you told them earlier.
I think this is a good opportunity for your son see what kind of people there are in this world. From what you describe, I see nothing wrong with you refraining from bragging or following a similar behavior as the other person. It is that other lady who is causing the feeling of inferiority to spread, and that is her intention. She would not brag about it to someone who can brag back, but she does it to someone who is nice and mature enough to be able to listen without barking back.
Maybe it is not a good thing for your son to be exposed to that lady so much, though I don’t know the whole situation and thus you know better than me what to do. Also, I don’t think you act like a wimp; I think what you do is act mature and not get into things you do not believe in. Why get into something stupid that will only add stress in your life? In this case, you aren’t doing anything, and it is someone elses’ action that is causing you to think and realize that you and your son may be feeling awkward because of this lady. She is not your friend since she apparently does not care about you or your son. Anyone who gives a fake feeling of concern either online or offline is a fake person, in my view. I simply cannot fake an emotion, and it seems neither can you. Sometimes I run into people who brag on a daily basis and I simply have to bid time and simply focus on the task at hand; I hate fake emotions, so I rarely tell many people what I’m up to as I don’t want to hear a fake “Wow” or “aww.”
A small idea, though I may be completely off-track: having a lot of activities, whether big or small, direct or indirectly, with or without non-family people, can help take your sons’ and specially your mind off this lady so that when you meet her, it will feel torture for only a while and when you leave her that day, you will easily forget her. Your son will think something along the lines of “Sure, this other “friend” of mine rules at tennis and his mother is happy about this and this, but I also had fun in this and this with my mother and we are good at this and this.” After a while, or maybe even a week or two, even if you stop the activities, you will not feel as much annoyed and weirded out by this lady as usual. You can even tell your son that many people simply keep talking in certain ways to annoy others, and that the lady in question is an example of such a person. That way he can know such people and you and him can have an inside joke to realize that she is bragging again. :) That way, he will not feel intimidated or down at all, and because of him neither will you, as that is what the lady is also trying to do: intimidate, with her own braggings, others who don’t brag and are nice enough to listen.
From what I am reading, I think you are a great mature mother and have a lot of potential, and that you are already on the right track. I feel sorry for that other lady’s son for having such a mother. Your son is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have your son who can actually feel such things. Keep up the good work, as we need more unique people like you and your son, and less robotic morons, like that lady, running around doing all the typical things in this world! :)
I hope I didn’t bore you with my teaching-type commentary! I face the same issue everyday in different people and situations and I try to understand and solve it too without ever being able to eliminate it, so you can see that what I am saying is not a solution that works 100% without any issues. I may be completely wrong about a few things to [I hope not].
Take care!
Hello. Thanks for writing this article. I’m currently faced with this situation at the moment and it is extremely difficult. I met my new “crew” around 6 months ago after graduating from university and moving back to work. They always say I’m too nice and when I’m at all considerate they make fun of me. I’ve never know anyone to act any different and I have some great friends that I know would do anything for me and the same goes for them. I kind of just went with it saying “oh thats just how they are, they don’t really mean it” until my birthday arrived this year. Knowing they weren’t going to do anything for me, I planned my own party, which of course they laughed at, and when the day of the party came they “weren’t feeling like going out” so didn’t come out. This really hit me hard as I realized “these guys do mean it” and when I confronted my room mate about it he said “thats just how I am man. I just worry about what I’m doing. I just care about myself. You shouldn’t take it personally. I wouldn’t care if you didn’t come to my birthday party.” I couldn’t believe it! I told him that even if i was near death I would make every effort possible to show up and wish him a happy birthday out of consideration and friendship. He didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. I don’t think I can look at him the same way after this. These are guys I considered my best mates in town! Looking at this article they show all the signs you mentioned and I don’t know what to do here. I got along with them before just thinking “oh thats how they are, they don’t really mean it” but now I see that is actually how they are, don’t care about how I feel, and I don’t know how to go about changing this. I would really hate to have any hard feelings and I do get along with them, as most of the time what they want for themselves does co-inside with what I want as well, but i don’t think I can be friends with someone that is only interested in being friends when it is convenient for them and takes advantage of my support and kindness whenever it suits their interest. Any suggestions?
Hi Bes – Happy New year!
Thanks for your article which is extremely useful and helpful. I realised on New Year’s Eve that the person I thought was my closest friend here (I am currently working in France) turned out to be just selfish. He has been in a bad way for more than a year and I have been really there for him lately; on Xmas Eve I bought loads of food and just went to his house where he had nothing as he was depressed. I spent the whole time with him including a lot of listening as usual. I rang to ask him if we were going to spend New Year’s together and he was evasive and he finally emailed me on 30th to say he was spending it with his mother and children (he is going to be divorced next month). He didn’t even ask me what I was doing or whether I would be alone that evening, which I was as he left it so late to tell me what he was doing. I sent him a text to say that I was astonished that he didn’t even ask the question and he hasn’t replied or even wished me a Happy New Year. Needless to say, I feel that this is a lack of respect towards me and so I am going try to withdraw from this friendship, which is obviously one sided!! Your article will help as I will continue to read it when i feel a bit down.
[Sorry for the late reply everyone.]
Scott, thanks for the comment, and thank you so very much for explaining and sharing that part of your life. It is indeed very sad and disappointing: your friends apparently show insensitivity towards you, and you are doing the right thing in assuming that you have to focus on yourself more than others.
It was indeed very bad of your friends to pretend that they care and then not actually do things to show that they care. Similarly, it is not nice for your friends to say that you are too nice or something: not everyone wants to be a manipulator. You are apparently a considerate person showing care, which is a talent and a skill.
If you cannot co-exist with such people, you can simply pass time and find those you are comfortable with, or those that are at least less manipulative or unappreciative than the people who are very good at unappreciating others. You can also try to explain yourself more and when someone makes fun of anything you believe in, correct them and say, even jokingly, that you believe in it and that the other person is funny. That way, you can slowly instill the idea, at least in that group around you, that you are not going to simply listen and that you can talk too.
As for the internal consolation, that is really hard and it just depends on slowly and gradually relying on less and less people around you to be able to do something. For example, if you want to be nice to others, limit it to just a few people so that such a trait is limited to a very few people, and even those people should be the people that have the least chances of hurting you mentally or physically.
In the end, you will always have people that disappoint you, but the level of disappointment and how that disappointment affects you will decrease a lot.
What do you think? Does that make any sense? Any update since last November? I hope you’re doing better or still the same and not more into the “thinking and cannot figure out” phase, which I think is a very good and mature phase, by the way. I am in it most of the time and it shapes me a lot.
Jenna, thanks for the comment too, and happy belated New Year’s! :)
Thank you for liking my article. I also have to say, from what I think, you are also a very talented person as majority of the people do not know how to listen. It is not even a complement: it is a fact. Try thinking of all the people around you and see how many people try to listen and how many people actually listen to others around them.
Yes, your friend probably takes you for granted since you listen to him and do not ask him for much. I personally think this: you should let him know why you are backing off and then back off. I have also done similar things, like backing off after I have been hurt, and many times it is good to tell others why you are backing off a relationship, while many times it is a good thing to not expose what is happening clearly. You can decide which one would be better: knowing that you expressed your frustration and then moved on, or that you moved on while leaving that person behind immediately.
I hope you don’t feel a bit down; I also listen to others a lot and many of the close friends, however few or many they may be, do not do the same nor do they appreciate the attention and care. Also, they keep asking for attention and friendship without knowing how to deal with it. You should realize that you are at a deeper level of friendship and have a more thorough understanding of friendship where you want more than just the fake outside appearance of a friendship: you can focus both on the physical [being present, hanging out, etc] and the mental [asking, caring, etc] aspects of friendships.
Cheer up if you are down! You are one of the few lucky ones to think deep. Hold on to it, make it your power and keep being yourself while hoping that one day you will be appreciate the way you appreciate others. Even if you cannot forget your friend, realize how they did not care and how their good parts of the friendship changed you.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
I AM DEALING WITH THIS VERY ISSUE RIGHT NOW, MY SISTER & I HANG OUT & THE FRIENDS THAT ARE AROUND US(I’M NOT AS CLOSE WITH THEM AS SHE IS) BUT WE’LL GO ON TRIPS TOGETHER, I’M PROUD THAT MY SISTER IS A POPULAR PERSON WITH THEM, I TEND TO BE A LONER, BUT I AM TRULY SATIFIED WITH THIS, I’VE HAVE HAD SOME HEALTH ISSUES, BUT I’LL TRY TO HANG WITH THEM WHEN I CAN,BUT EVER SINCE I’VE LOST ALOT OF WEIGHT, I’VE GOTTEN MARRIED(BEEN TOGETHER ALMOST TEN YEARS TOTAL & I DON’T HAVE KIDS, ALL OF THEM DO,I’VE NOTICE A SORT OF RESENTMENT(LOOKING EVIL & CONDESENDING WORDS & PURPOSLY IGNORING ME) EXSPECIALLY WITH ONE OF THEM) THIS ISN’T EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTH BUT I’M NOTICING MORE RESENTMENT THEN NORMAL, OR I’LL GET THE BLANK/STARE LOOK. I’VE SPOKEN TO MY SISTER BUT I THINK SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO GET INVOLVED OR DOESN’T CARE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THOWING A DINNER PARTY BECAUSE I DO CARE/BUT IF I SEE YOU ARE RUDE, THEN I’LL STILL TRY TO BE NICE AND OPEN BUT FROM THINGS I’VE SEEN I’M NOT SURE IF I WANT TO MAKE THE EFFORT, I’VE BEEN CONSIDERING MOVING(NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THEM) I CARE ABOUT THEM BUT I DON’T WANT TO PUT UP WITH THE (B’S) I THOUGHT ABOUT SPEAKING TO THEM BUT TO ME IT SEEMS THAT IT WOULD DO NO GOOD. MY HUSBAND IS VERY LOVING & I FEEL THAT MAYBE GOD & HIM ARE ALL I NEED. I WOULD LOVE YOUR HONEST FEEDBACK ON THIS. AND AGAIN THANK YOU FOR WHAT I’VE WANTED TO SAY BUT YOU HAD THE GUTS TO SAY IT.
well i find that even though i have decent perception about such matters. i found this article very helpful. keeping such facts and ideas in mind when talking to these so called “friends” you realize just how friendly they are not! and when you really think about it you only have maybe one or two friends all your life…the rest can be classified as good acquaintances. these are people who will soon fade out of your life and only come in when they need or want something from you. being fully independent is really the only way to ensure that you never need to depend on one of these “friends” for anything because guaranteed they will never come through for you..great article
Bes, I have only just seen your comments. Thank you so much for them and I will remember this. I did withdraw completely from the situation, but I did not tell him why, unfortunately. I hadn’t read your mail at that point. He sent me a couple of emails, I responded with two lines to the first one and not at all to the second. That was six weeks ago and I have heard nothing since. Unfortunately, my work means that I shall see him next month in a professional situation and hope I will deal with it all ok. He is too selfish to realise that he is at fault so I have to be realistic about that but if he says anything at all, I will put him in the picture. Yes, I do miss him in some respects and it has hurt but less and less now. Thanks and thanks again. Jenna
Good article, i have been upset today by a someone who i thought was a good friend, i always knew she was a bit selfish but deep down i thought we had something emotionally deeper. We have known ach other for 10 years, played sport together, partied etc but hadnt seen each other for nearly a year which was cool as we both lead busy lifes and she had a baby not so long ago. We did however make a date and she invited me and my girlfriend ( also her friend) to dinner .After the meal and a fair few drinks I suggested that it might be nice to get some of the old gang together evey now and then to do something fun and was told bluntly that she has other friends who are more important and if she has any free time she will be spending it with them. I was hurt and shocked by this (basically burst into tears) we talked, i told her the comment had hurt me but she really didnt seem too bothered, just said that her other friends were a bigger part of her life. I would have gone home if i hadnt already been over the limit but had to stay over which was horribly uncomfortable and i left fairly early in the morning, having apologised for basically being upset! I guess have decided to withdraw and let the friendship go, mainly my reasoning was because i couldnt consider someone who would choose to blatantly hurt me a friend. I am however sad about it and left questioning …is it me, am i the only person who values the memories of the history we have shared, other people in general seem to surround themselves with their family, the nuculus and it seems nobody else matters……why do i not think like this? Is it normal to share the loyalty, protection, values and caring across the wider boundries of immediate family or does some strange thing happen when people have kids that shuts long standing friendships out and makes them selfish, self centered and inconsiderate? I actually dont want to lose the friendship as to me it meant something to share many times in my life with her but i also dont want to be a mug and appear somehow desperate to maintain something that perhaps isnt as deeply set as i thought it was. I have always known she was quite selfish but i loved her as a friend despite it but hearing that she doesnt seem to attach the same value to the friendshipp as me has really hurt and left me in a deeply sad and reflective place that even now i would not wish for her or anyone else to be in. Somehow i think i need to emotionally toughen up, its a cruel world!
Hey there,
I could add something here that has bothered me a lot since the past few days… I have a childhood friend who is very selfish.. Why I call her that is because she puts herself above anyone else and if someone wrongs her she doesn’t let that person off the hook.. And keeps forgetting her friends too.. It didn’t hurt me much before, but it’s hurting me ever since my mom noticed my friend acting selfish towards me… Because once I told my friend to get me some thing on her way back home.. And she brought the exact same thing for her self and forgot me.. and was actually showing it off to me what she got for herself.. Oh well.. She keeps doing a thing of this sort every once in a while.. I better get over it, only I can’t see my mom hurt..
Reading the comments posted above me.. I am not the only one who tends to feel down, I stay away from making friends now because people only come upto you when they need something from you.. The only true people I have met is while I go for my prayers.. Even smiling is a charity.. So I keep my life light with small things.. May Allah protect us all from the evils of ourselves and those coming from others. Ameen
My best friend in the world, O, was with me all through my schoolyear, which was my best yet, but I was going through a lot. We were always there for each other, and when I stopped going to school, we still saw each other all the time. I even started going to her church. But then she started ignoring me when we were with her other friends, and then when they left she expected me to just go and play with her. I was hurt. This wasn’t the friend I knew. And then I saw another side of her that I had never seen before (or may be I had, just never thought it was wrong): her selfish side. She had practically a perfect life, and her mother bought her everything she wanted. But that wasn’t enough.
When I got an iPod she had to get an iPod. When I got a laptop, she had to get a laptop. When I got new clothes, she HAD to go shopping. BUt it wasn’t just that.
If she didn’t get ONE thing she wanted, she would freak. she would whine, and today, she crosssed the line. We were supposed to see this movie on Tuesday, and just because she was BORED, she HAD to see it today. But my ma wanted to see it too, and she hadn’t slept all night, so we couldn’t go. Then I get this incredibly rude selfish email from her saying that she was going shopping instead, and if she wasn’t able to do that, her day would’ve been ruined.
She didn’t even care that I had nothing to do! She didn’t care. I don’t think she even really care about me.
What do I say to her?
Moi,
I see you are really distressed about all this. And you feel no less than keeping yourself away from her for a good long time..
Your friend seems to be the kind who can’t ponder on finer things in life and just care about things concerning them. As if the world is all about them [well there world sure is..] ..You’d tell such people they are selfish and they wouldn’t mind admitting it either. I know a person like the one you described here. I just avoid spending much of my time with her now, and no more do I give her preference over myself or other people in my life because I realised it was a waste of all my energy and I could have done better things in that time. Even though I love her company when I am with her.. But I rather let a small loss take place to prevent a bigger loss.
When a friend doesn’t care about you. Let them be. You need to build Your life.
I could suggest you that you either:
Talk to her about her attitude and make her ponder
Hint her if you can’t be straight with her
STOP looking at her when you got other things to be done
The way your friend keeps copying you shows she is not a true friend. A true friend wouldn’t compete with you.. Maybe she holds a grudge for you in her heart too.. Check it up with yourself too .. Afterall, no one is perfect and we all seem to make mistakes..
Last resort: Treat her like she treats you. Might do her some good too.
Unfortunately, I have realised that a person who I used to regard as a good friend has turned out to be very selfish. Recently, I had to go into hospital for a major operation. Now granted this ‘friend’ did come and visit me in hospital. However, once I had left hospital and was recuperating, she started asked asking me for favours! I have since put her in her place and let her know that she is not a friend at all. Unfortunately I still have to see her regularly :-(.
hi bes,
i liked your way of expression and clarity of mind after reading the article…Bes, i just startred wondering howw u could think so clearly about this problem
Hi Bes,
i just want to share my feelings with you, i trust you. i want to know how u have such clarity of thought…Bes, i faced the problem many times and u know i today literally cried today because of one of such friends of mine………i lost my mother 2 years back and i faced the lonely ness by myself, even my bestfriend (a girl, whom i trusted was my bestfriend) betrayed me. she left me when i needed her very much ………….there was noone for me to share my feelings, i suffered myself , and cried likeanything for 6months without a warm heart to console me. even my dad and my brother in same condition.i somehow became hardhearted, and told to myself never to expect anything from anyone…u know but even now that experience haunts me……………even now few people who say they are myfriends are not willing to share my sorrows………….i try to be myself and never depend on anyone emotionally, but sometimes when i am emotionally broke down i expect someone to atleast share my feelings with…………. but there is noone to share my feelings with……………no one has patience ,they dont like to hear .but they want all kind of help from me…………….i am very unhappy with such attitude of people…………i even sometimes feel may i am wrong to expect so called frnds to listen to my feelings…………but it hurts me a lot……then why do i listen to them patiently and help them a lot, and waste my money and time for them…….it even makes me sometimes to think of suicide……………………….i cant live in a place like this………..but i am living for my brother and dad……………but people make me cry always, i dont have real friends………………….you know i mean a true friend from heart………..there is no warmheart in this world…………everyone is selfish in this world………..
This seems to be a problem growing at epidemic proportions. I can relate entirely to the article, also often being told I am so thoughtful. I guess I feel I am being the friend and person I would want in my life. But I feel my friends and family often disapear when I try to get close by being truthful or when I considerate of others, remembering their birthdays, they seem to expect it from me but strangely have no sense of reciprocity. I have had friends tell me what I can give them for their birthday when they can’t even remember to wish me happy birthday. I think of all the gifts I have given and time sorting out “friends” problems and when I needed firendship… they disappeared!In fact for a while, I thought, if I give my friend a gift, I am sure not to hear from them again, because that’s how it seemed to work. I think when my mom past away is when it reallybecame clear. I only got a handful of calls, but no one wanted to talk about it. Even if I tried to express how different things suddenly became for me, people just didn’t respond and would change the subject. I think what took so long for me to realize how selfish all these people were is that they seemed like nice people, good values and had the same gripes about how hard it is to meet good friends. I just don’t understand how everyone seems so entitled, but no one seems to care about reciprocation or tries to BE a good friend. I don’t know what it is that makes everyone so selfish and if it’s a lack of community and too much time in cyberspace where people can “share” about themselves but just delete any kind of reaction. There really seems to be a lack of human connection and I think it’s frightening “ME” generation of the 70′s has become the “Just Me” generations that follow.
I must say this article was right on the money. I’m going through this with someone i so called friend that takes me for granted and compensates the behavior by buying flowers that last longer than her moody behavior when she isnt smoking “weed”. When she lost her job, i helped her find jobs i even set her up on interviews with several companies in which i have a good friendly relationsip with. Did her weed smoking friends took the time to help her like i did the answer is no. Nonetheless who got the verbal abuse when she was moody i did not her friends. Her spending habits are horrible i gave her only $100 out of $300 she asked for and cursed me out when i didnt give it all to her. I knew what she would do with it and i work too hard to have $300 dollars be smoked away, or for her to buy clothes to go to the club with her girlfriends. i told her about school….since shes unemployed…to go and get some applications and get herself together. In the process asked her to pick up a simple “Master Application” for me since she would go. You know what her response was….”please dont get on my nerves….i know what the fuck i was gonna do if i did it i would have told you plans changed” if the shoe were on the other foot she be screaming. I told myself we are not friends anymore, its not worth it and my actions of distant behavior will be the sign she needs in order to get the hint. she’s jealous because i’m everything she isnt. At her age she should be stable minded like me….i should be the one partying but i think of my future shes lives for the moment. Her friends are just like her…..so its like fighting with yourself so why not fight with someone who isnt going to fight back. She’s an opportunist, inconsiderate i learn from her that a friend isnt always a friend. she always tested my friendship so im glad i failed.
Hi, Bes….
Thanks for the top 5 list it was great and for woman by the name of Anne she really hit the spot
I have been hurt by emotionless people, inconsiderate people, selfish centered people, narrow-minded people, detached
people so much that i became all these people yet still trying to search for friends in the world and on
the internet. Have no success and remain alone. Even family members are selfish. I even have a cousinn
that told me the world is full of opportunities and to look out for self. She really expects me to one
day introduce to her a singer that i know….she has no idea how we both are alike. Why would i want
to give away that opportunity so easily when i had to work hard for it on my own. i laughed to myself
because i will never let her know of anything. I always knew she was an opportunist and use me…
why would i be naive.
the only friend i have is myself….i spend alot of time by myself and made a choice to live with it.
its so hard…nobody cares for my pain cause they have there own problems. When someone
disagrees with something i believe in i disappear. I seek advice and help but no one comes to my
rescue but if shoe were on the other foot i would help them solve the problem.
i had emotionless people change there tune when i didnt agree with there choices, they would
put me down and then next day say i’m sorry i’m going through it. i got to the point i just
washed my hands and disappeared. This person would text me invite me to her party, ask if
she could use me as a reference. I never responded…i was done
i had people on the internet they rather text or email you than talk on the phone nonethless meet
you….why is that?
thats ok…maybe it was my destiny to by myself.
@strongpoetiquemind, thanks for the comment.
I see what you mean: you’re saying that people become nice when they need something from you or when it’s for their benefit, but in any other situation, they simply show an emotionless nature and do not care about you at all. Is that right? Yes, from what you’re describing, that is indeed a very horrible thing, though it is also something that many people like yourself go through regularly, so regularly that you know exactly what is happening many times, yet it can be hard to describe to others what you’re going through.
Many people like the online form of communication as they can try to be open through words, yet they can also avoid the offline forms of communication and mentalities [face to face or over the phone can create more obligations for someone, yet through email or text messages it is easy to write/say things more casually, and also without actually meaning them]. For example, I can say this “Ohh, I’m soo sorry that you’re feeling like that!” in this comment, while i am watching South Park and laughing like crazy, focusing only on the tv show and simply answering your comment because in the society that is how we typically answer, even if we really do not care.
I really want to go further into this topic and write more articles related to people using others through fake emotions and similar things.
Try to worry a bit less about others please: it may seem like a bit of a different thing, compared to the rest of the society, to be alone and do things along, but if you can be happy alone, that means you are finding fun in life on your own and do not need anyone else to be happy on your own. That is one of the normal and only ways to find good friends and others, because then you’ll be avoiding fake people and won’t be desperate to jump into any kind of a relationship [friendship, formal, informal, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc].
What do you think? What do others think about this? Thanks again for sharing, and once again: relax, and don’t worry. From what you’re typing, I do not see anything wrong that you should worry about since you’re realizing things many other people do not, and also because you’re starting to realize more than many other people about the dangers of depending on anyone else or the reasons many people get close to others.
I have a couple friends who are like this. 2 examples. Friend #1 is one of my best friends, but there is just one problem. She doesn’t listen to me as much as I would like and if we’re having political discussions, she won’t admit that her side is wrong about anything, while I can. I’d like to have a calm and enlightening discussion but she gets too annoying.
Friend #2 is worse. I love her and we’ve known each other since we were babies, but these days, she is basically treating me and my other friend like dirt. She WON’T take responsibility for ANYTHING. If she’s late for the bus, she says we left too early, or “why didn’t you hold the Bus?!” And she only cares about herself. If I’m talking about a recent event that happened to me, she jumps in with something completely different that has to do with HERSELF. (Mind you, I ask her plenty of questions about her life) but does she give a crap about what is going on in mine? I want to politley confront her, but I know that if I do, then she will get upset, make a scene and think that me and my other firend are ganging up on her. Which is NOT what I would ever want to do. I used to love her as a friend and still do, but I’m getting tired, because she just does not seem to care at all about me. I just don’t know what to say to her.
No web site..What is a twitter…
Be careful of friends who can and will hurt you..emotional and physically on purpose..My husband and I work hard..we have a friend who has gone through a lot of financial difficulty due to her own self annihilation with Drugs and alcohol..I do love her..but not the life style…As I wanted more for myself and husband we retreated more into work..and our faith..and worship..Many family and friends opted to help my friends financially..However I have seen this same set of friends..take from all there friends and family any money amount..they offered..paying there mortgage for months. However..they were slow in pay..even whne work would come a long they would say..WE DO NOT WORK ON WEEKENDS, (or Mon-Fri ) they even begged money off her mother who is living soley on SS..The did the same party..pary party..Well I asked her..about paying her friends back…she said she was in no hurry..I asked her to work a few weekends for good money..she would not…
This is not my way of thinking..so I stayed away from them and begged off invatations..and I fell onto my path..I wanted to lead..However My husband missed the old crowd,,his men friends..in our camper circle..were good people..and we hung out at the campground..(in the summer on weekends occasionally..) Well Easter was on the way..I did not want to go…but he looked so pitiful..I finally said yes..
I paid for it..
I did not drink..I was still having fun..everyone was laughing and parting..however one lady sat with her back to me…speaking to one sole person..and everyone else were saying they missed me..the one sole person..was always the one in control of everything..and everyone..
We went on a golf cart to go visit a friend..Two in the front and two of us on the back..
Well I got thrown off..Broke three ribs..knocked the wind out of me..thought I was having a heart attack..we had to go home early.
I think she did it on Purpose..because she did not like the way I left the group..for months..did not give our mutual friend a hand out..and she wants everyone to do what she says all the time..
I laided there..almost unconcsious ..she never said she was sorry,..I have left that crazy group for good..
You see for 5 years I could not walk..I had to go from a handicap scooter..to a wheel chair to a cane..and for 5 years I was in rehabilitation..strengthening my muscles around my spine.. They were not there for me..but I did not care..all I cared about was walking..
NOw I have tingling in my arms again..my back and legs cramp up ..I scream at night with leg cramps..
When my mind told me to NOT GO..I should have listened..I acutally turned around Friday night and came home…i did not want to go..but Saturday Morning after a night of my husband not speaking..I went..Next time I will listen to my consciecnce..
I am paying the price in my neck and back and shoulders and legs..I can hardley do a fulls days work without coming home and hurting so bad..
SO if anyone has reason to know your friends can hurt you…it is me..they can and will..I pray for a complete healing..in the meantime my spine is burning and if you have ever had an electric shock..this will give you a sence of the pain I am in..
DO NOT TRUST ANYONE with your life..if they are driving you on a golf cart..go cart..or bicycle..they can cripple you..or take your life..one wrong move…and your hurt for life..
Sherry
This article points out important points , but sound like it was both written by, and geared towards, 13 year olds.
OUCH, Sherry. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. If a friend has bad judgment, the risks of getting hurt—either emotionally or physically—are high.
This is such a wonderfully honest and open thread. Bes, thanks again for your insights and support of healthy friendships!
Best,
Irene
i had one best frn…. thn i made frnship with other girl n thought of bringing her in our group so dat we vil be 3 frnzz…. ma first frn disagreed it, later after few dayz she accepted her as frn
we were happy 2 yrz.. thn thy started talking with eachother leaving me….. 1 yr it waz ok i waz quite…. 2nd yr i waz mentally little disturbed … dat wat waz ma fault… thn in 3rd yr i got new frn coz i waz in need of … thn ma two frnz hated me for dat for few dayz…….. they tell y u came her go go to her….. go there……hm….. diz hurts me lotsssss………. diz’z d saddest part of ma life…. i dnt believe in frnship n hate who take it for granted…… bt i loved them lot… diz z d output….. only tearzz…. wen dey need me dey come….. n wen dey dnt … tata bye bye….diz z ma life…
I love this article. This is so real to me as I have a friend who is dear to me, who is the most inconsiderate person in the planet – and i know that.
Thank you for this article, it’s such an eye-opener and I think this will help so many people out there. I can relate to this very well myself, and now I know why sometimes the inconsiderate things she does to me are just so hurtful, and when I actually pinpoint the problem, she’ll go away, pretend nothing happens or simply avoids me altogether until I approach her again. Sometimes, I’m afraid that I am stacking all these hurts inside me…
But I must add though, when you love someone (platonic or romantic), just try to focus on the love, and it will take the sadness away by a bit – it’s still as hard as hell and it probably won’t stop the feeling of wanting to cry, but by loving someone it’s easier to understand the fact that they are immature etc, also, it is easier to ‘accept’ them for who they are.
Sally
Was having an extremely hard situation with some friends and googled, and came across this. It was so helpful. I have a communications background and this made so much sense to me. Thank you for helping me through a difficult time. :) :)
Thank you for writing this article, Reasoner… It has been helpful. I am in just such a quandry. So forgive me while I vent (I really need someone to listen). :(
I made a new friend about 8 months ago and at first it was like we were long lost sisters. She lives about and hour away, and sometimes I go spend weekends with her, but we mostly talk and email to stay in touch. But in the past two or three months her behavior has totally changed and I am starting to rethink whether or not I even want to be friends with her at all. She has become incredibly selfish, inconsiderate, and obstinate, all the while acting that nothing is wrong with her behavior. For example, she will call me several times everyday, and specifically at times when I’ve told her that I am not available (I rarely pick up during those times). When I do answer, she never asks if she’s ‘caught me at a good time’ but will just launch into an hour or two hour conversation. If I say “this is not a good time” she usually acknowledges it but then keeps me on for 15 minutes or so (the whole time I’m saying “I gotta go” and she’s saying “but wait I just have to tell you one thing”). And, she runs the conversation without letting me get a word in edgewise (I always have to interrupt to say anything). Typically, she will talk (and I will say ‘uh huh’) for about 20-30 minutes while she tells me about her day and her issues and everyone else’s problems (people I don’t even know), and then she will ask how I am doing. Once I’ve answered, regardless of what I need to talk about, within a few minutes she inevitably turns the conversation back to her problems. When I do get the chance to talk (when she is actually listening) she tries to solve my problems by giving me heavy-handed advice that borders on rude and is often unethical. She also judges my problems unfairly and is quite a hypocrite about it (I was dating two guys at once who knew about each other and were fine with it and the whole time she insisted I was cheating… now she’s seeing three guys who do not know about each other and when I pointed out that she was cheating she bit my head off). If that wasn’t bad enough, she is a know-it-all and I am always wrong about any little thing of which I might have knowledge or an opinion. When I point out the evidence, she ignores or dismisses it. She shuts me down all the time! Despite the fact that I have limited minutes on my cell, she will talk on end about things that are unimportant – like about her doctor’s hobbies, that the neighbor’s lawn is a mess, or that her cat is playing with a ball… it’s usually endless drivel! When we are together for a visit, her behavior is not quite as egregious, but then it not great either. There are usually several times during each visit when I have to actively tell myself to keep my mouth shut or else find an excuse to get up and walk away from her. She doesn’t know when to quit and rarely takes the hint that she should stop pushing pushing pushing all the time. If she’s not pushing her advice on me, then she’s cutting me off. Many times I’ve called her needing to suss something out and just get cut off: I wait patiently, while she talks about herself for 20+ minutes, for the moment when she asks how I am. More often than not I will start talking and suddenly there is some interruption that must be taken care of immediately and she’s “got to go, sorry”. It is so blatant it boggles my mind, and, when I pointed out this behavior to her, she totally denied it.
However, when she has good days, she is a decent friend. There have been times when she was there for me and actually helped me deal with an issue (even though her involvement was heavy-handed). She sits my pets for me for when I go away (though I hate the fact that she re-trains my dog to her daft hand signals and hands him back to me covered in fleas in ticks). She is a great resource for me in several of my hobbies. And she lets me crash at her place (out in the country) when I need a break from the city.
Other than that, there aren’t a lot of positives there and I am at the point where I feel the need to really back off from this friendship. I have been trying to do so for a couple weeks now, but she is just not getting the hint. I never answer when she calls, but call her back only when I have time (every three days or so). Lately, when we talk on the phone, I barely say anything and offer nothing and she doesn’t even seem to notice. She insists, instead, that I must be depressed and I should go get meds! I’ve been considering having a sit-down talk with her about these things, but she’s just so damned stubborn that I think she would just deny everything. Worse still, she has got a temper (though she’s never directed it at me before) and she just might lose it if I try to get her to really examine her behavior. I want to break it off and walk away, but I don’t think she will let things go that easily. I had a friend like this about ten years ago who I had to ‘leave’ and that one punched a hole in my wall, broke into my house and stole a laptop, tried to sabotage my wedding, and slit the tires on my car.
Do you have any advice for handling this situation? She is, btw, a 50 year old nurse; I am 45 and a college professor.
very insightful but i had to point out that your writing style is a bit CLICHE. I felt like it was repetitive and your choice of diction in attempt to utilize pathos reminded me of a high school students persuasive essay. your supporting evidence was weak and did not fully base your thesis. some, i felt unnecessary, did not belong or did not relate. overall CHEESY. actually, as i reread your article, i realize it was a failed attempt of stating the obvious, with useless evidence, in order to persuade the reader. 1 out of 10.
very thought provoking. a few months ago i came across this article. and now funnily enough im back again, i wont bore on, however i appreciate the fact someone has taken the time to care about this subject as it obviously affects so many. there are lots of dangerous friendships out there, it takes a strong mind to blank out emotion. but then it takes a strong mind to deal with it. lack of communication and misunderstandings are my experiences. however i have left one friend behind, very self obsessed, with no time to reply to my attempts of chat. she only cared if she knew i had a dilemma. it was patronising she never let on how she was what she was up to. now my longest standing friend has always been fickle and now and then she seems distant, well iv always accepted this oh hoo blaa gotta go
keep caring people :-) x
this article made me cry more
I used to have a “friend” who only came to me (or her other friends) when she was depressed or sad or bored or wen she wanted to talk about herself
we were really close but I got sick of her selfish inconsiderate behaviour n had a giant fight bout a month ago n we don’t talk
I’ve known her for an year, all her friends leave her n she always blames them for not being gud friend
in truth it’s her who sucks at friendships n relationships
she cannever talk about anything except herself
I m so terribly hurt n I can’t get over her
we were close but she just….I don’t know I usually m the person who ends up getting used…
Hi there,
Just been reading through your article and the subsequent comments. Has proven a real relief as I have been questioning a friendship with someone for a while.
A few incidences stick in my mind that have caused me much heartache, pain and anger.
My friend and I have been friends for quite a number of years but things started to go wrong when I met a man and developed close feelings for. My friend and a couple of others saw changes in me (I have to say these changes were all to do with ME not the man I had met – I had just started doing volunteer work where I help those in emotional distress – this work has changed me to become more thoughtful about life and this manifested itself in me becoming more peaceful but it also meant that I had started to develop a real sense of self for the first time. These friends had been used to me having no life, no real positives, they were used to me sitting around being at THEIR beck and call.
Anyway, things started to change which had an effect on the relationship I was having at that time. I felt very pressured by these friends to do what THEY thought was right, I transferred this pressure onto the man I had been seeing and, as such, the relationship ended. The pressure ws so bad that, one time, I was stood in the kitchen of one of these friends, and all three of them were stood around me whilst they threw opinion after opinion after opinion at me. I felt, quite literally, backed into a corner! I saw bullies and not friends. The relationship ended as I felt very, very obligated to follow through on what they thought I should do.
I lost contact with this man for a few months but we did start chatting online and a friendship had begun. It was okay to begin with but I had real trouble getting him to come and see me. I had confided in this one friend about all of this and she seemed supportive until a few months later she took it upon herself to message him (via Facebook) behind my back (knowing that I would’ve obviously said no if she had asked me first!). I confronted her about it, she saw nothing wrong in what she did and she was very relunctant to let me see what she had said to him which distressed me as I felt I had a right to see what had been said about me. She eventually gave in and I was even more shocked when I saw what a poor light she had put me in; I looked desperate, lonely and, quite frankly, a “bunny-boiler” in the message she had sent to him.
Naturally the friendship broke down completely; I explained to her that it wasn’t about him, it was about the fact that she had betrayed me which distressed and angered me. Yet, she refused to see anything wrong, she refused to apologise. Christmas arrived not long after this and me along with these other friends (including her) met up to exchange presents. I had bought presents for her before all this happened but I wanted to do the right thing and give them to her anyway. She did not do the same (even after I had forgiven her later on I still never saw those presents – I am not materialistic and it wasn’t the actual presents that upset me, it was the principal that I had still made an effort for her regardless yet she did not reciprocate).
Eventually we put the incident behind us but the friendship still wore the scar of what had happened. About nine months ago I went out with these friends (including her) and I slipped up and broke my wrist. I had to insist that I went home despite their “don’t be silly, you’ll be fine” comments even though it was clear just how much agony I was in. One friend eventually drove me to A&E and stayed for only 10 minutes……my other friends knew that I had gone to hospital but no-one came to see me – I spent over 8 hours in A&E completely alone that night. My friend who I had problems with before didn’t even come to see me once during the six weeks I was off work and in plaster – she did, admittedly have her own problems to deal with but over a six week period I would’ve thought she could spare 10 minutes to come and see me. I know I would’ve bent over backwards to make sure I had visited her if the tables had been turned.
Since the breakdown of our friendship at Christmas 2008 I have tried and tried and tried to be the best friend I can be, but I have found her to be very difficult to deal with. Whenever I try and help her she dismisses everything I say to her (she doesn’t have to agree, of course, with what I say but surely I deserve to be listened to and my efforts thanked instead of being pushed away?). Now I feel I cannot take much more of things. So thank you for the article and thank you for letting me comment (sorry it’s a bit of a long story!!!).
Just a thought, how about we just treat people well regardless of what they do to us or how we perceive them. There is a saying “treat as man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as could be and we will become that.” I also think that comes from My Fair Lady too. I think Eliza said something like Mr. Higgins treats me as a flower girl and thats all I will be to him. Col. treats me as a lady and I am such. Let’s treat everyone like they’re God and maybe we’ll see a shift in our planet.
This article really helped me.
I am going through this situation right now with a long time friend of mine, someone I considered to be one of my three best friends. I find myself riddled with grief at the possibility that I may have to slowly end the friendship because of their selfish attitude. They are a good person, a fun person and I really care for them but the toll that their inconsiderate ways is taking on me is really beginning to wear me down. I have always said, “consider the person as a whole and either accept them as they are or walk away” and that is how I approach most circumstances. In this case, I always knew they were a little self-absorbed but it didn’t really bother me until the past couple of months really. Now I have all of this repressed hostility and anger coming out and every little thing they do seems to set me off.
The core issue of it is that I am a better friend to this person then they are to me. Considerably better. I go out of my way to do things for them all of the time. Honestly, I am really bad at standing my ground in any situation (friendships, relationships, work relationships etc) and I recognize that in me but I’ve never really taken it to be a character flaw until this situation started occurring. I now realize that being a doormat is only going to end up hurting me and others in the long run. I am never confrontational until I’ve had enough and by then people are so used to my never saying anything and being agreeable that they think I’m coming out of left field.
I asked myself the other day, would this friend do x, y, or z for me? When it came down to it, really down to it, would they have my back if it meant compromising themselves? Would they choose to help me or take my side over that of some of their other friends? The sad answer was “no.” I know in my heart that they wouldn’t be there for me when the time came because they already show that kind of floundering commitment, in albeit smaller, but hurtful ways. I think the last thing I chose to confront her about was (admittedly) petty and downright juvenile but I had had enough. It seems to me like she is always seeking the approval of friends who are wishy washy and even insult her intelligence and think her interests are beneath them.
What is worse is that when I tried to explain how I felt (after the initial fury of what started the whole thing going) she seemed to be unable to process my hurt feelings. Instead she made it about herself and accused me of attacking her character by insinuating that she was being rude. That part really spoke to me, it was like the nail in the coffin of my speculation. It was proof that I was right about the whole situation. She is completely self-interested. Even after I explained to her that I had other issues going on in my life right now, including my mom being very sick and issues with me feeling like I’m being left out of her life, feelings of general lonliness as people move on in life and I seem to feel stuck, she didn’t bother to try to find out more or to sympathize other than to say that since she didn’t know she couldn’t have understood. She still hasn’t bothered to ask me how my mom is doing or if I’m feeling okay. It’s all about her and how I offended her.
Right now I’m struggling with deciding what to do about the friendship. Should I just let it taper off or is it worth broaching the subject again? I’m not convinced that she wouldn’t take it personally and make it about her own feelings instead of mine. I know it is largely about perceptions but I need to get a certain point across to her and I don’t think bells are going off.
Thank you for writing this, it helps shed some insight.
Hi Bes. My friend is a lot like the #4 and #3. She is always acting that way and trying to blame problems that she makes on the person who she gives the problem to, she never accepts the fact that she maybe in the wrong and when ever I try to point it out she tries to flip it back on me. If I tell her the issue that she has and how I don’t like the fact that she treats me a certain way she goes off by cussing throwing rude comments and even putting me down. And she is very stubborn and wont apologize for anything. Why the other day we had a fight we are still not communicating with one another, I simply told her not to go see the movie Splice because I it was just plain nasty in a pornish way and I new she wouldn’t like it. Plus I knew if the situation was reversed she would have told me not to go see it. So when I tell her that she says I ruined the whole movie and I told her everything about it when I didn’t tell her anything. And then she starts yelling at me and cussing for no reason and when I try to tell her that I don’t appreciate her treating me like that and friends aren’t supposed to treat each other like that she once again goes off and uses stuff she knows about me to insult me and final I just crack and yell back at her and use what she said about how her dad doesn’t treat her like a daughter and instead treat her as if she is one of his soldiers against her because she had used something horrible against me. In the end I got fed up with her attitude and told her when she is ready to apologize to come talk to me. And I am not sure if I should stay in a friendship like that with her anymore can you give me some advice?
Hey Kassandra, thank you for sharing your situation!
That is indeed a very difficult situation to manage once you have both walked away in an angry manner. Does your friend bring you happiness? Do the quarrels, including the one over the movie Splice, happen often and bring you down? Are the overall bad things in your life dependent mainly, or in a big part, on how your friend and other similar friends act? If no, then you trying to fix the situation by asking your friend to apologize is a good step.
If yes, then telling your friend to apologize can be a bad step. Is it easy for you to tel your friend to change her ways if she wants to keep friendship? Your friendship impacts your life, whether or not your friend realizes it. In the end, you should realize whether you would like to keep on going in such a friendship if she does not change, or if you would like to actually put a real ultimatum of parting ways if she does not change? I would really recommend the latter. Take your time, find your space, relax, take your mind off your friend and focus on something else, even if it means your friend and the fight will remain in the back of your head. You can repeat this cycle every time there is a fight, with hopefully your target goal being reducing the number of stressful elements and friends from your life and focusing on the happy ones and your life itself. In the end, you will realize such cycles will decrease as you will be getting close to fewer and fewer people, with your ultimate automatic reaction of blocking anyone who creates unnecessary drama in your life without any way for you to solve or resolve the drama. Remember, if you can try to change your friend, then do it. If she will not change, then you have full power to not stand around her when she jumps around in the mud.
Friendship is supposed to bring either calmness or happiness, and in worst situations, absolutely nothing. However, if your friendship brings you anger, misery or hatred instead, then the friendship is a very risky one, and may be a harmful relationship.
What do you think?
hi bes..
well there’s a friend .. we play games together and stuff and one day she got a pet in the game and I really wanted it..
but I didn’t really look how to catch it but someday my other friend gave me the pet that my friend has.. I was really happy that I got it so I talked to my friend about stuff and she noticed that I got the same pet as her ,and she suddenly said
I don’t want ppl I knoe to have the same pet as me. and she suddenly logged off.. well also it’s not our first time well her first time being selfish I guess. well anywas so Because well..like until today she had said many things to hurt me but I kept on beingnher friend.. but today I couldn’t help my self but to say something.. I said it’s not like only you can have what you want.your not the only human who wants stuff that other people have..and youre not the only human to have feelings..
that’s what I said..
wait.. is it my fault that she’s mad? should I like just disappear in her life? And also she would ignore me when she feels like ..
like at school I said hi at in front of her waving my hand she would just frown and talk to her other friends…
was I wrong to think that she’s my friend? was I wrong to even think that I could at
least make one friend in my life?
I’m confused.. please help me
I’ve stumbled across this article last night, and I’ve found it very insightful. As a 30 something adult, I find myself with just a very small circle of close friends, and over the last year or so I’ve been dealing with selfish and inconsiderate people. The two friends whom I’m referring have really made me question the whole concept of friendship, what it means to me, and if I’M a good friend.
Friend A, This girl I’ve known since we’ve been in high school. Our friendship hasn’t been conventional, ever. I’ve understood for many years that friend A has issues (with weight, self esteem, ect), so maybe all these years I’ve kind of allowed her to be a crappy friend because I’ve felt sorry for her. Maybe I’m a bad friend because I felt sorry for her. Do you feel sorry for friends? This friend has gone through about five career changes since I’ve known her, been to about six different colleges, short term, that her family has paid for. Lived on her own a handful of times, and each of those times she has ended up back living with her parents, AFTER they tried to bail her out each time, paying her rent, cat, ect. Her parents are close to retirement, and they’ve had to dip into their funds more than once for her, have several mortgages on their house, and she has no concern for the financial situation they’ve put themselves in to help her out. Friend A has always had boy troubles, mainly that no boy would go out with her. She’s not ugly at all, but her excuse for never having a boyfriend is that she’s overweight. When in fact I think her boy troubles are more in line with her overbearing and selfish personality. So, she makes up relationships, with any boy that will give her the time of day. She’ll talk about how she’s in love, talk about marriage literally right after she’s met someone, and consume herself in these imaginary relationships. I don’t think any of these guys she’s talked about taking to the alter are even remotely interested in a relationship with her, I think they are just trying to be nice, and she’s so desperate for a husband, she”ll misinterpreted this niceness as a sign of devotion. None of these guys ever stick around, she’s actually been blocked from their facebook pages on more than one account. But she’ll talk about these guys ‘leaving her’, and actually act like she’s been in a committed relationship with them. This has been going on since we’ve been 18, I’ve been listening to her crying about each of these guys on the phone for hours at a time, several times a day. She’s 32 now, so along with the crying about these imaginary relationships, she’ll talk about ‘ending it all’, ‘not being able to go on’, ‘having nothing to live for’. And of course, I call up her Mother to warn her Friend A is talking about suicide again. It’s a vicious cycle, I try to help her, try to give her ideas about NOT being so aggressive upfront with these guys she meets. She never listens, she doesn’t want to hear any of that, she only wants to blame her weight for the reason she’s never had a boyfriend.
I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, and I have a five and two year old. And years ago, I just stopped even discussing any of my problems with Friend A, she never listens and she’ll just trivialize anything I tell her, because in her mind being married and staying at home with children is utopia, so why am I complaining, I must not appreciate my life. It’s just really frustrating, and since this last time she’s moved back in with her parents, rent free, I can’t even seem to hold a semi-pleasant conversation on the phone with her. She’s just so selfish and ungrateful, it makes me sick to listen to her spout off BS that she believes to be true. We can’t even go get a coffee, or grab lunch together, she’ll want, expect me to pay, even if she has money (which she always does). My husband works really, really hard for our family and he or I don’t want to pay for Friend A’s lunch or coffee because she feels entitled. I don’t mind treating friends to lunch, but when Friend A has money, but simply feels entitled for me to pay, it makes me really mad.
This is all I write for now, but thank you for listening! Or reading, I mean.