5 signs of narrow-minded, selfish friends that can hurt you

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127 Responses to 5 signs of narrow-minded, selfish friends that can hurt you

1. 

   Candice August 14, 2007 at 11:20 pm #

   This article has given me so much insight and I truelly relate with everything you have mentioned above. It really is sad how people can take friendships for granted.

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2. 

   educationblogger August 16, 2007 at 7:33 am #

   OHMYGOODNESS….. I have more than one friend I would like to send this to! This is one of the toughest challenges I face when it comes to friends. It is so hard to be patient with difficult friends, but I guess the choice is either to deal with it, or confront them! Thanks for a great article.

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     thurston March 7, 2011 at 4:58 am #

     I am sending the article to several of my dear yet difficult friends. Could be some of us are "unequally yoked" I.Q-wise or some other factor but, I have several who appear to be "chronic whiners". Patience is a virtue but again, not all of us possess "uber-patience", dig? I guess that is where unconditional love comes into the picture. Gotta love 'em anyway (until they get mad at your brutal honesty & avoid you lol) which is quite often.

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3. 

   Irene S. Levine August 16, 2007 at 8:54 am #

   Hi Bes:

   Enjoyed your article–I'm a journalist and author focusing on those relationships that don't survive.
   I hope you will visit my blog: http://www.fracturedfriendships.com

   Best,
   Irene

   Reply
4. 

   valerie August 16, 2007 at 12:36 pm #

   And your inspiration for this….?

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5. 

   Dirk August 18, 2007 at 10:01 am #

   i will also know what was your insperation

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6. 

   Bollywood Hollywood August 18, 2007 at 8:56 pm #

   Thats was a great post 5 out of 5..
   Thanks !!!

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     JagannathanTK December 4, 2010 at 11:33 pm #

     Very nice judgement. I had come accross several people as above. This author had streamlined his view about selfishness.This is 100% true

     Reply
7. 

   Bes Zain August 24, 2007 at 6:25 pm #

   Candice, thank you for the comment.

   I am glad that you can relate to what I am writing, and yes, it can be really "sad" or disappointing to see how people can abuse friendships, specially if I [or someone in question] am involved in that friendship.

   Thanks again. I really appreciate your comment.

   educationblogger, thank you for the comment.

   Regarding confrontation, which path do you usually choose, or have chosen in the past?

   Also, since i am getting a lot of commentors using general keywords for their comment usernames, do you think it would be possible to change your comment username to include your name or something more unique so that it can be identified easily? That can help avoid multiple comments having the same generic username.

   Irene S. Levine, thank you for the comment. I really appreciate it.

   I have bookmarked your site; thank for letting me know about it. I would really appreciate it if you could offer any insight or advice or your opinion on the any of the many friendship and relationships topics that I have written and will be writing.

   Valerie, thanks for the nice question. My inspiration for this is 5 people I know, some of them online.

   Dirk, thanks for the question too. As I told Valerie above, inspiration came from people I know.

   Bollywood Hollywood Online, thanks for the comment, and I appreciate the kind words/ranking.

   As I asked educationblogger above, do you think it would be possible to change your comment username to something more specific and not generic? With more and more comments have the same keywords, it can become hard to identify the commentors.

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8. 

   Anne October 20, 2007 at 11:22 am #

   I didn't see your name on your article, but noticed a response to 'Bes'. Must be you. So…

   Hi Bes,

   How did I end up reading your piece? Well, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching around the fact that I've chosen to detach from four relationships in the past two weeks. (2 were online, one a long-time 'friend' and one, my ex-husband, also a very good friend.) Obviously, this is a big deal, and very painful… for me. I've been trying to get very clear about my decisions: what was it that made these relationships so frustrating, unfulfilling, and hurtful for me? Or, to turn it around the other way, what have I been tollerating for so long (for years with my friend & my ex), and why?

   This morning I felt like I honed in on it. What these people were not consistently enough able to demonstrate was — being considerate. I've been allowing myself to be hurt by people who are basically extremely self-centered and inconsiderate.

   So, I thought I'd look online to see if anything intelligent had been written on the subject that might help me through my difficult transitions. And I found your post. Bingo. Bull's eye. You nailed it.

   I find it a joyful challenge to be considerate to others, and sometimes, the rewards are unexpectedly great. Showing consideration to others is not hard for me; it comes naturally.

   What I'm talking about is not just being polite, and neither were you. We're talking about being considerate of others' feelings… their hearts. It seems to me like so many people's hearts are just closed. (Yes, I'm sure because of fear, because of childhood trauma, etc.) I know this is going to sound naive, but it always shocks me to realize that SO MANY people are emotionally mute, &/or actually cruel.

   When I try to discuss an 'issue' between us, calmly and with respect for their feelings, they just end up lashing out unexpectedly and attacking or withdrawing completely… defending themselves against having to dip down into that scary place of feelings.

   Well, I can have empathy and I can forgive, but what I'm coming to realize (and I may live to regret it is that you can't have a RELATIONship if one of the people involved will not RELATE – openly, rationally, and with consideration for the other person's feelings. (without having a drink in their hand! ha ha. and yet…)

   I'm down to just a few friends, and it will interesting to see how this all works out: weather it will be better for me to not be dealing with the disappointment and pain of having non-reciprocating 'friends' in my life, or weather I will open my eyes to some other perspective that will change the way I feel right now.

   Is is possible that some of us just care WAY more than others?

   I'm glad I found your article. It's a very important topic. Good luck on writing and publishing your book.

   Anne

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     Charmaine July 27, 2009 at 10:48 pm #

     Hi Bes

     My sentiments are the same as Anne's. I just had to find out whether it was me or a certain friend who frustrates me all the time with his criticisms. Yes he is inconsiderate of my feelings. I explained to him that sometimes it was better to keep hush, rather than to hurt some-one's feelings, but he honestly doesn't seem to appreciate this. He thinks he is so full of wisdom that whatever he does or says is the "way-to-go". I know differently.

     charmaine

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9. 

   Bes Zain October 30, 2007 at 6:19 pm #

   Thank you so much Anne, for sharing! It must have been really hard to express a lot of things you said, and I am really happy that you found my writing to be even a little bit good enough to allow any analysis.

   You nailed it well in many areas: many people are not considerate. They will cry and vent their emotions about their problems but when you mention even a small thing in your life they will act emotionless. Being considerate of others is indeed very, very important in my view, even though many times the rewards do not come to us. Some times, however, the rewards are amazing as you pointed out. Also, I am glad you said it so well: showing consideration should come naturally. You should not be forcing it the way customer service at banks force smiles and words of appreciation towards customers. The real feelings that exist inside humans should be appreciated.

   I like that word to describe emotionless people: cruel. You are right: you must have something to relate to, even if it is a feeling of differences and an understanding, in order to have any sort of a real relationship. How can there be action without a mental emotion or thought? I am so sorry, literally, to hear that you detached yourself from some people you considered to be close. I personally think that even with detachment, memories of maybe happiness and also regret will always be there. What can we do? Many times people do not realize how much they have hurt someone who cares, and thus those emotionless people have a huge ego where they can rarely accept the blame. One minute you feel like thinking "Screw you!" about the emotionless people, and the next minute you think "Well, so sad it didn't work out, wow, life is so weird! ><" and then you hope to forget things.

   To answer your question: yes, fortunately or unfortunately, some of us care way more than others. Someone tells me online that they are having problems and I try to think all day and offline too, about solving that problem or what that person is going through. However, turning it around and using a real example: I was in the hospital last year in a life-death situation, and when I told people about it after I had come out of the hospital, they had the typical "Oh my ggoddd!" word-reaction, while not actually caring. They moved on within a minute. People think that them not showing or having emotions is because them having emotions will not have. What they do not know is that they are incapable of having any emotions, and all they can do is to cry for someone elses' emotion and attention when they themselves are in need.

   I am really glad you read this, and that you can relate. I hope you come back again and share more of your experience or words, as they help a lot, specially in realizing more that I am not just writing things that no one gets. A person who can show and have emotions is stronger than a person with no emotions, for people with emotions have to go through more hurdles and feelings than emotionless people to achieve the same things. You are way better than many people, simply because you look at emotions as a life element itself and not as something that you are afraid to talk about even online. I am going to write more about similar topics and feelings because of your comment.

   Thanks Anne, I really, really appreciate it! Whenever I finish my book, whenever it may be, I am going to give you a free signed copy [maybe some day that signature can be worth a lot ].

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10. 

    shelley November 2, 2007 at 7:53 pm #

    Hi, Bes. I really enjoyed your comments, too. I have been going through this with someone for more than 2 years now and holding in a lot of hurt feelings the whole time. The last few days I feel like I am getting close to the breaking point and may actually completely confront them on their inconsiderateness and the hurt they've caused. I feel afraid to do this, too, though. This is the parent of a teenage son that my teenage son interacts with a couple of times a week at a tennis center. The parent is constantly bragging about their child's every accomplishment, their family's every activity, etc. This really brings me and my child down. I politely listen and don't brag in return, not wanting to encourage this kind of conversation. I am not interested in a competition. I don't feel like she really wants to hear or cares about any of my son's accomplishments, except to somehow learn from them so as to benefit her son in the future somehow. Her son is arrogant and absorbing his mother's superior attitudes. Meanwhile my child is lonely and doesn't really have any true, close friends and his self-image is being damaged. Relationships are often so difficult. I'm not doing a very good job of modeling for my child how to deal with people like this. I either act like a wimp and take it or I confront them and the relationship is over. I'm not sure there is anything in between, especially in a situation where the person does not really care about us; we are just convenient. It's just a social situation she finds herself in because of her child and she's making herself feel good on a regular basis at our expense. Yuck! Add to this, that she throws in frequent references to how good and Christian they are, too. The woman seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that her incessant bragging may actually make the other person feel "putdown" by implied comparison. I've bookmarked your site, too. Thanks for the insights. They really do help. I will continue to follow as the discussion continues.

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11. 

    Bes Zain November 4, 2007 at 7:13 am #

    Hi Shelley.

    Thanks for the comment. I am wondering: are you Anne also [above]? Just making sure so I know what I am talking about.

    Now before I continue, I want to ask you what hints and tips you may have for me or others when it comes to interacting with such people [the lady you run into], so hopefully i can learn too and apply some solutions in my life here too. As for something from my side, I have a few hints which I would really love if you could read and let me know here or via e-mail whether or not you think can work or have substance.

    It indeed can be extremely hard to confront many people, specially someone who is close either physically or mentally or both, about the inconsiderate attitude they may be exhibiting towards you. That other person you mention sounds like majority of the people around us, who are typical in terms of talking and bragging about themselves without caring about others. You may notice that all around us, specially online. People coming online or sending e-mails to talk to you, ask about things and then bam! They start talking about themselves since they want to express something, without caring anything about what you're going through or what you told them earlier.

    I think this is a good opportunity for your son see what kind of people there are in this world. From what you describe, I see nothing wrong with you refraining from bragging or following a similar behavior as the other person. It is that other lady who is causing the feeling of inferiority to spread, and that is her intention. She would not brag about it to someone who can brag back, but she does it to someone who is nice and mature enough to be able to listen without barking back.

    Maybe it is not a good thing for your son to be exposed to that lady so much, though I don't know the whole situation and thus you know better than me what to do. Also, I don't think you act like a wimp; I think what you do is act mature and not get into things you do not believe in. Why get into something stupid that will only add stress in your life? In this case, you aren't doing anything, and it is someone elses' action that is causing you to think and realize that you and your son may be feeling awkward because of this lady. She is not your friend since she apparently does not care about you or your son. Anyone who gives a fake feeling of concern either online or offline is a fake person, in my view. I simply cannot fake an emotion, and it seems neither can you. Sometimes I run into people who brag on a daily basis and I simply have to bid time and simply focus on the task at hand; I hate fake emotions, so I rarely tell many people what I'm up to as I don't want to hear a fake "Wow" or "aww."

    A small idea, though I may be completely off-track: having a lot of activities, whether big or small, direct or indirectly, with or without non-family people, can help take your sons' and specially your mind off this lady so that when you meet her, it will feel torture for only a while and when you leave her that day, you will easily forget her. Your son will think something along the lines of "Sure, this other "friend" of mine rules at tennis and his mother is happy about this and this, but I also had fun in this and this with my mother and we are good at this and this." After a while, or maybe even a week or two, even if you stop the activities, you will not feel as much annoyed and weirded out by this lady as usual. You can even tell your son that many people simply keep talking in certain ways to annoy others, and that the lady in question is an example of such a person. That way he can know such people and you and him can have an inside joke to realize that she is bragging again. That way, he will not feel intimidated or down at all, and because of him neither will you, as that is what the lady is also trying to do: intimidate, with her own braggings, others who don't brag and are nice enough to listen.

    From what I am reading, I think you are a great mature mother and have a lot of potential, and that you are already on the right track. I feel sorry for that other lady's son for having such a mother. Your son is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have your son who can actually feel such things. Keep up the good work, as we need more unique people like you and your son, and less robotic morons, like that lady, running around doing all the typical things in this world!

    I hope I didn't bore you with my teaching-type commentary! I face the same issue everyday in different people and situations and I try to understand and solve it too without ever being able to eliminate it, so you can see that what I am saying is not a solution that works 100% without any issues. I may be completely wrong about a few things to [I hope not].

    Take care!

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12. 

    Scott November 12, 2007 at 4:27 pm #

    Hello. Thanks for writing this article. I'm currently faced with this situation at the moment and it is extremely difficult. I met my new "crew" around 6 months ago after graduating from university and moving back to work. They always say I'm too nice and when I'm at all considerate they make fun of me. I've never know anyone to act any different and I have some great friends that I know would do anything for me and the same goes for them. I kind of just went with it saying "oh thats just how they are, they don't really mean it" until my birthday arrived this year. Knowing they weren't going to do anything for me, I planned my own party, which of course they laughed at, and when the day of the party came they "weren't feeling like going out" so didn't come out. This really hit me hard as I realized "these guys do mean it" and when I confronted my room mate about it he said "thats just how I am man. I just worry about what I'm doing. I just care about myself. You shouldn't take it personally. I wouldn't care if you didn't come to my birthday party." I couldn't believe it! I told him that even if i was near death I would make every effort possible to show up and wish him a happy birthday out of consideration and friendship. He didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I don't think I can look at him the same way after this. These are guys I considered my best mates in town! Looking at this article they show all the signs you mentioned and I don't know what to do here. I got along with them before just thinking "oh thats how they are, they don't really mean it" but now I see that is actually how they are, don't care about how I feel, and I don't know how to go about changing this. I would really hate to have any hard feelings and I do get along with them, as most of the time what they want for themselves does co-inside with what I want as well, but i don't think I can be friends with someone that is only interested in being friends when it is convenient for them and takes advantage of my support and kindness whenever it suits their interest. Any suggestions?

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13. 

    Jenna January 1, 2008 at 9:01 pm #

    Hi Bes – Happy New year!
    Thanks for your article which is extremely useful and helpful. I realised on New Year's Eve that the person I thought was my closest friend here (I am currently working in France) turned out to be just selfish. He has been in a bad way for more than a year and I have been really there for him lately; on Xmas Eve I bought loads of food and just went to his house where he had nothing as he was depressed. I spent the whole time with him including a lot of listening as usual. I rang to ask him if we were going to spend New Year's together and he was evasive and he finally emailed me on 30th to say he was spending it with his mother and children (he is going to be divorced next month). He didn't even ask me what I was doing or whether I would be alone that evening, which I was as he left it so late to tell me what he was doing. I sent him a text to say that I was astonished that he didn't even ask the question and he hasn't replied or even wished me a Happy New Year. Needless to say, I feel that this is a lack of respect towards me and so I am going try to withdraw from this friendship, which is obviously one sided!! Your article will help as I will continue to read it when i feel a bit down.

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14. 

    Bes Zain February 4, 2008 at 1:28 pm #

    [Sorry for the late reply everyone.]

    Scott, thanks for the comment, and thank you so very much for explaining and sharing that part of your life. It is indeed very sad and disappointing: your friends apparently show insensitivity towards you, and you are doing the right thing in assuming that you have to focus on yourself more than others.

    It was indeed very bad of your friends to pretend that they care and then not actually do things to show that they care. Similarly, it is not nice for your friends to say that you are too nice or something: not everyone wants to be a manipulator. You are apparently a considerate person showing care, which is a talent and a skill.

    If you cannot co-exist with such people, you can simply pass time and find those you are comfortable with, or those that are at least less manipulative or unappreciative than the people who are very good at unappreciating others. You can also try to explain yourself more and when someone makes fun of anything you believe in, correct them and say, even jokingly, that you believe in it and that the other person is funny. That way, you can slowly instill the idea, at least in that group around you, that you are not going to simply listen and that you can talk too.

    As for the internal consolation, that is really hard and it just depends on slowly and gradually relying on less and less people around you to be able to do something. For example, if you want to be nice to others, limit it to just a few people so that such a trait is limited to a very few people, and even those people should be the people that have the least chances of hurting you mentally or physically.

    In the end, you will always have people that disappoint you, but the level of disappointment and how that disappointment affects you will decrease a lot.

    What do you think? Does that make any sense? Any update since last November? I hope you're doing better or still the same and not more into the "thinking and cannot figure out" phase, which I think is a very good and mature phase, by the way. I am in it most of the time and it shapes me a lot.

    Jenna, thanks for the comment too, and happy belated New Year's!

    Thank you for liking my article. I also have to say, from what I think, you are also a very talented person as majority of the people do not know how to listen. It is not even a complement: it is a fact. Try thinking of all the people around you and see how many people try to listen and how many people actually listen to others around them.

    Yes, your friend probably takes you for granted since you listen to him and do not ask him for much. I personally think this: you should let him know why you are backing off and then back off. I have also done similar things, like backing off after I have been hurt, and many times it is good to tell others why you are backing off a relationship, while many times it is a good thing to not expose what is happening clearly. You can decide which one would be better: knowing that you expressed your frustration and then moved on, or that you moved on while leaving that person behind immediately.

    I hope you don't feel a bit down; I also listen to others a lot and many of the close friends, however few or many they may be, do not do the same nor do they appreciate the attention and care. Also, they keep asking for attention and friendship without knowing how to deal with it. You should realize that you are at a deeper level of friendship and have a more thorough understanding of friendship where you want more than just the fake outside appearance of a friendship: you can focus both on the physical [being present, hanging out, etc] and the mental [asking, caring, etc] aspects of friendships.

    Cheer up if you are down! You are one of the few lucky ones to think deep. Hold on to it, make it your power and keep being yourself while hoping that one day you will be appreciate the way you appreciate others. Even if you cannot forget your friend, realize how they did not care and how their good parts of the friendship changed you.

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15. 

    LONER February 20, 2008 at 9:24 pm #

    THANK YOU VERY MUCH
    I AM DEALING WITH THIS VERY ISSUE RIGHT NOW, MY SISTER & I HANG OUT & THE FRIENDS THAT ARE AROUND US(I'M NOT AS CLOSE WITH THEM AS SHE IS) BUT WE'LL GO ON TRIPS TOGETHER, I'M PROUD THAT MY SISTER IS A POPULAR PERSON WITH THEM, I TEND TO BE A LONER, BUT I AM TRULY SATIFIED WITH THIS, I'VE HAVE HAD SOME HEALTH ISSUES, BUT I'LL TRY TO HANG WITH THEM WHEN I CAN,BUT EVER SINCE I'VE LOST ALOT OF WEIGHT, I'VE GOTTEN MARRIED(BEEN TOGETHER ALMOST TEN YEARS TOTAL & I DON'T HAVE KIDS, ALL OF THEM DO,I'VE NOTICE A SORT OF RESENTMENT(LOOKING EVIL & CONDESENDING WORDS & PURPOSLY IGNORING ME) EXSPECIALLY WITH ONE OF THEM) THIS ISN'T EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTH BUT I'M NOTICING MORE RESENTMENT THEN NORMAL, OR I'LL GET THE BLANK/STARE LOOK. I'VE SPOKEN TO MY SISTER BUT I THINK SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED OR DOESN'T CARE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THOWING A DINNER PARTY BECAUSE I DO CARE/BUT IF I SEE YOU ARE RUDE, THEN I'LL STILL TRY TO BE NICE AND OPEN BUT FROM THINGS I'VE SEEN I'M NOT SURE IF I WANT TO MAKE THE EFFORT, I'VE BEEN CONSIDERING MOVING(NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THEM) I CARE ABOUT THEM BUT I DON'T WANT TO PUT UP WITH THE (B'S) I THOUGHT ABOUT SPEAKING TO THEM BUT TO ME IT SEEMS THAT IT WOULD DO NO GOOD. MY HUSBAND IS VERY LOVING & I FEEL THAT MAYBE GOD & HIM ARE ALL I NEED. I WOULD LOVE YOUR HONEST FEEDBACK ON THIS. AND AGAIN THANK YOU FOR WHAT I'VE WANTED TO SAY BUT YOU HAD THE GUTS TO SAY IT.

    Reply
16. 

    92xjlaredo April 11, 2008 at 7:33 am #

    well i find that even though i have decent perception about such matters. i found this article very helpful. keeping such facts and ideas in mind when talking to these so called "friends" you realize just how friendly they are not! and when you really think about it you only have maybe one or two friends all your life…the rest can be classified as good acquaintances. these are people who will soon fade out of your life and only come in when they need or want something from you. being fully independent is really the only way to ensure that you never need to depend on one of these "friends" for anything because guaranteed they will never come through for you..great article

    Reply
17. 

    Jenna April 12, 2008 at 7:09 am #

    Bes, I have only just seen your comments. Thank you so much for them and I will remember this. I did withdraw completely from the situation, but I did not tell him why, unfortunately. I hadn't read your mail at that point. He sent me a couple of emails, I responded with two lines to the first one and not at all to the second. That was six weeks ago and I have heard nothing since. Unfortunately, my work means that I shall see him next month in a professional situation and hope I will deal with it all ok. He is too selfish to realise that he is at fault so I have to be realistic about that but if he says anything at all, I will put him in the picture. Yes, I do miss him in some respects and it has hurt but less and less now. Thanks and thanks again. Jenna

    Reply
18. 

    Willo June 8, 2008 at 12:01 am #

    Good article, i have been upset today by a someone who i thought was a good friend, i always knew she was a bit selfish but deep down i thought we had something emotionally deeper. We have known ach other for 10 years, played sport together, partied etc but hadnt seen each other for nearly a year which was cool as we both lead busy lifes and she had a baby not so long ago. We did however make a date and she invited me and my girlfriend ( also her friend) to dinner .After the meal and a fair few drinks I suggested that it might be nice to get some of the old gang together evey now and then to do something fun and was told bluntly that she has other friends who are more important and if she has any free time she will be spending it with them. I was hurt and shocked by this (basically burst into tears) we talked, i told her the comment had hurt me but she really didnt seem too bothered, just said that her other friends were a bigger part of her life. I would have gone home if i hadnt already been over the limit but had to stay over which was horribly uncomfortable and i left fairly early in the morning, having apologised for basically being upset! I guess have decided to withdraw and let the friendship go, mainly my reasoning was because i couldnt consider someone who would choose to blatantly hurt me a friend. I am however sad about it and left questioning …is it me, am i the only person who values the memories of the history we have shared, other people in general seem to surround themselves with their family, the nuculus and it seems nobody else matters……why do i not think like this? Is it normal to share the loyalty, protection, values and caring across the wider boundries of immediate family or does some strange thing happen when people have kids that shuts long standing friendships out and makes them selfish, self centered and inconsiderate? I actually dont want to lose the friendship as to me it meant something to share many times in my life with her but i also dont want to be a mug and appear somehow desperate to maintain something that perhaps isnt as deeply set as i thought it was. I have always known she was quite selfish but i loved her as a friend despite it but hearing that she doesnt seem to attach the same value to the friendshipp as me has really hurt and left me in a deeply sad and reflective place that even now i would not wish for her or anyone else to be in. Somehow i think i need to emotionally toughen up, its a cruel world!

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19. 

    Asmaa June 26, 2008 at 9:00 am #

    Hey there,

    I could add something here that has bothered me a lot since the past few days… I have a childhood friend who is very selfish.. Why I call her that is because she puts herself above anyone else and if someone wrongs her she doesn't let that person off the hook.. And keeps forgetting her friends too.. It didn't hurt me much before, but it's hurting me ever since my mom noticed my friend acting selfish towards me… Because once I told my friend to get me some thing on her way back home.. And she brought the exact same thing for her self and forgot me.. and was actually showing it off to me what she got for herself.. Oh well.. She keeps doing a thing of this sort every once in a while.. I better get over it, only I can't see my mom hurt..

    Reading the comments posted above me.. I am not the only one who tends to feel down, I stay away from making friends now because people only come upto you when they need something from you.. The only true people I have met is while I go for my prayers.. Even smiling is a charity.. So I keep my life light with small things.. May Allah protect us all from the evils of ourselves and those coming from others. Ameen

    Reply
20. 

    Moi July 5, 2008 at 6:17 am #

    My best friend in the world, O, was with me all through my schoolyear, which was my best yet, but I was going through a lot. We were always there for each other, and when I stopped going to school, we still saw each other all the time. I even started going to her church. But then she started ignoring me when we were with her other friends, and then when they left she expected me to just go and play with her. I was hurt. This wasn't the friend I knew. And then I saw another side of her that I had never seen before (or may be I had, just never thought it was wrong): her selfish side. She had practically a perfect life, and her mother bought her everything she wanted. But that wasn't enough.

    When I got an iPod she had to get an iPod. When I got a laptop, she had to get a laptop. When I got new clothes, she HAD to go shopping. BUt it wasn't just that.

    If she didn't get ONE thing she wanted, she would freak. she would whine, and today, she crosssed the line. We were supposed to see this movie on Tuesday, and just because she was BORED, she HAD to see it today. But my ma wanted to see it too, and she hadn't slept all night, so we couldn't go. Then I get this incredibly rude selfish email from her saying that she was going shopping instead, and if she wasn't able to do that, her day would've been ruined.

    She didn't even care that I had nothing to do! She didn't care. I don't think she even really care about me.

    What do I say to her?

    Reply
21. 

    Asmaa July 5, 2008 at 11:05 pm #

    Moi,
    I see you are really distressed about all this. And you feel no less than keeping yourself away from her for a good long time..

    Your friend seems to be the kind who can't ponder on finer things in life and just care about things concerning them. As if the world is all about them [well there world sure is..] ..You'd tell such people they are selfish and they wouldn't mind admitting it either. I know a person like the one you described here. I just avoid spending much of my time with her now, and no more do I give her preference over myself or other people in my life because I realised it was a waste of all my energy and I could have done better things in that time. Even though I love her company when I am with her.. But I rather let a small loss take place to prevent a bigger loss.

    When a friend doesn't care about you. Let them be. You need to build Your life.

    I could suggest you that you either:
    Talk to her about her attitude and make her ponder
    Hint her if you can't be straight with her
    STOP looking at her when you got other things to be done

    The way your friend keeps copying you shows she is not a true friend. A true friend wouldn't compete with you.. Maybe she holds a grudge for you in her heart too.. Check it up with yourself too .. Afterall, no one is perfect and we all seem to make mistakes..

    Last resort: Treat her like she treats you. Might do her some good too.

    Reply
22. 

    Gemini November 2, 2008 at 6:04 pm #

    Unfortunately, I have realised that a person who I used to regard as a good friend has turned out to be very selfish. Recently, I had to go into hospital for a major operation. Now granted this 'friend' did come and visit me in hospital. However, once I had left hospital and was recuperating, she started asked asking me for favours! I have since put her in her place and let her know that she is not a friend at all. Unfortunately I still have to see her regularly .

    Reply
    • 

      Jocasta Olivier April 5, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

      Hello Gemini,

      sorry to hear about your dilemma regarding your friend, yes some people are all take unfortunately i agree. She knows that you have been unwell in hospital but still wants favours from you which is not on very selfish i think. I have experienced problems like yours but mine was a relative who made excuses why she could not come round when i was ill once suffering with depression saying she would have to get two buses to my home and it would cost her extra in bus fares. She doesn't live far from me really. So now i have distanced myself from her and i don't see her much now. I didn't ask her to come round every week just when she could. To be quiet honest these people aren't true friends so i now just have relationships with people who are. I hope your feeling much better now and try not to worry about your so called friend she isn't worth it.

      Reply
23. 

    latha November 12, 2008 at 3:59 pm #

    hi bes,

    i liked your way of expression and clarity of mind after reading the article…Bes, i just startred wondering howw u could think so clearly about this problem

    Reply
24. 

    latha November 12, 2008 at 4:15 pm #

    Hi Bes,

    i just want to share my feelings with you, i trust you. i want to know how u have such clarity of thought…Bes, i faced the problem many times and u know i today literally cried today because of one of such friends of mine………i lost my mother 2 years back and i faced the lonely ness by myself, even my bestfriend (a girl, whom i trusted was my bestfriend) betrayed me. she left me when i needed her very much ………….there was noone for me to share my feelings, i suffered myself , and cried likeanything for 6months without a warm heart to console me. even my dad and my brother in same condition.i somehow became hardhearted, and told to myself never to expect anything from anyone…u know but even now that experience haunts me……………even now few people who say they are myfriends are not willing to share my sorrows………….i try to be myself and never depend on anyone emotionally, but sometimes when i am emotionally broke down i expect someone to atleast share my feelings with…………. but there is noone to share my feelings with……………no one has patience ,they dont like to hear .but they want all kind of help from me…………….i am very unhappy with such attitude of people…………i even sometimes feel may i am wrong to expect so called frnds to listen to my feelings…………but it hurts me a lot……then why do i listen to them patiently and help them a lot, and waste my money and time for them…….it even makes me sometimes to think of suicide……………………….i cant live in a place like this………..but i am living for my brother and dad……………but people make me cry always, i dont have real friends………………….you know i mean a true friend from heart………..there is no warmheart in this world…………everyone is selfish in this world………..

    Reply
25. 

    Janet February 3, 2009 at 2:39 am #

    This seems to be a problem growing at epidemic proportions. I can relate entirely to the article, also often being told I am so thoughtful. I guess I feel I am being the friend and person I would want in my life. But I feel my friends and family often disapear when I try to get close by being truthful or when I considerate of others, remembering their birthdays, they seem to expect it from me but strangely have no sense of reciprocity. I have had friends tell me what I can give them for their birthday when they can't even remember to wish me happy birthday. I think of all the gifts I have given and time sorting out "friends" problems and when I needed firendship… they disappeared!In fact for a while, I thought, if I give my friend a gift, I am sure not to hear from them again, because that's how it seemed to work. I think when my mom past away is when it reallybecame clear. I only got a handful of calls, but no one wanted to talk about it. Even if I tried to express how different things suddenly became for me, people just didn't respond and would change the subject. I think what took so long for me to realize how selfish all these people were is that they seemed like nice people, good values and had the same gripes about how hard it is to meet good friends. I just don't understand how everyone seems so entitled, but no one seems to care about reciprocation or tries to BE a good friend. I don't know what it is that makes everyone so selfish and if it's a lack of community and too much time in cyberspace where people can "share" about themselves but just delete any kind of reaction. There really seems to be a lack of human connection and I think it's frightening "ME" generation of the 70's has become the "Just Me" generations that follow.

    Reply
26. 

    PoetiqueSoul February 23, 2009 at 7:34 am #

    I must say this article was right on the money. I'm going through this with someone i so called friend that takes me for granted and compensates the behavior by buying flowers that last longer than her moody behavior when she isnt smoking "weed". When she lost her job, i helped her find jobs i even set her up on interviews with several companies in which i have a good friendly relationsip with. Did her weed smoking friends took the time to help her like i did the answer is no. Nonetheless who got the verbal abuse when she was moody i did not her friends. Her spending habits are horrible i gave her only $100 out of $300 she asked for and cursed me out when i didnt give it all to her. I knew what she would do with it and i work too hard to have $300 dollars be smoked away, or for her to buy clothes to go to the club with her girlfriends. i told her about school….since shes unemployed…to go and get some applications and get herself together. In the process asked her to pick up a simple "Master Application" for me since she would go. You know what her response was…."please dont get on my nerves….i know what the fuck i was gonna do if i did it i would have told you plans changed" if the shoe were on the other foot she be screaming. I told myself we are not friends anymore, its not worth it and my actions of distant behavior will be the sign she needs in order to get the hint. she's jealous because i'm everything she isnt. At her age she should be stable minded like me….i should be the one partying but i think of my future shes lives for the moment. Her friends are just like her…..so its like fighting with yourself so why not fight with someone who isnt going to fight back. She's an opportunist, inconsiderate i learn from her that a friend isnt always a friend. she always tested my friendship so im glad i failed.

    Reply
27. 

    Strongpoetiquemind April 2, 2009 at 11:01 pm #

    Hi, Bes….

    Thanks for the top 5 list it was great and for woman by the name of Anne she really hit the spot
    I have been hurt by emotionless people, inconsiderate people, selfish centered people, narrow-minded people, detached
    people so much that i became all these people yet still trying to search for friends in the world and on
    the internet. Have no success and remain alone. Even family members are selfish. I even have a cousinn
    that told me the world is full of opportunities and to look out for self. She really expects me to one
    day introduce to her a singer that i know….she has no idea how we both are alike. Why would i want
    to give away that opportunity so easily when i had to work hard for it on my own. i laughed to myself
    because i will never let her know of anything. I always knew she was an opportunist and use me…
    why would i be naive.

    the only friend i have is myself….i spend alot of time by myself and made a choice to live with it.
    its so hard…nobody cares for my pain cause they have there own problems. When someone
    disagrees with something i believe in i disappear. I seek advice and help but no one comes to my
    rescue but if shoe were on the other foot i would help them solve the problem.

    i had emotionless people change there tune when i didnt agree with there choices, they would
    put me down and then next day say i'm sorry i'm going through it. i got to the point i just
    washed my hands and disappeared. This person would text me invite me to her party, ask if
    she could use me as a reference. I never responded…i was done

    i had people on the internet they rather text or email you than talk on the phone nonethless meet
    you….why is that?

    thats ok…maybe it was my destiny to by myself.

    Reply
    • 

      Bes Zain April 4, 2009 at 6:46 am #

      @strongpoetiquemind, thanks for the comment.

      I see what you mean: you're saying that people become nice when they need something from you or when it's for their benefit, but in any other situation, they simply show an emotionless nature and do not care about you at all. Is that right? Yes, from what you're describing, that is indeed a very horrible thing, though it is also something that many people like yourself go through regularly, so regularly that you know exactly what is happening many times, yet it can be hard to describe to others what you're going through.

      Many people like the online form of communication as they can try to be open through words, yet they can also avoid the offline forms of communication and mentalities [face to face or over the phone can create more obligations for someone, yet through email or text messages it is easy to write/say things more casually, and also without actually meaning them]. For example, I can say this "Ohh, I'm soo sorry that you're feeling like that!" in this comment, while i am watching South Park and laughing like crazy, focusing only on the tv show and simply answering your comment because in the society that is how we typically answer, even if we really do not care.

      I really want to go further into this topic and write more articles related to people using others through fake emotions and similar things.

      Try to worry a bit less about others please: it may seem like a bit of a different thing, compared to the rest of the society, to be alone and do things along, but if you can be happy alone, that means you are finding fun in life on your own and do not need anyone else to be happy on your own. That is one of the normal and only ways to find good friends and others, because then you'll be avoiding fake people and won't be desperate to jump into any kind of a relationship [friendship, formal, informal, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc].

      What do you think? What do others think about this? Thanks again for sharing, and once again: relax, and don't worry. From what you're typing, I do not see anything wrong that you should worry about since you're realizing things many other people do not, and also because you're starting to realize more than many other people about the dangers of depending on anyone else or the reasons many people get close to others.

      Reply
28. 

    Penguin95 April 15, 2009 at 11:05 am #

    I have a couple friends who are like this. 2 examples. Friend #1 is one of my best friends, but there is just one problem. She doesn't listen to me as much as I would like and if we're having political discussions, she won't admit that her side is wrong about anything, while I can. I'd like to have a calm and enlightening discussion but she gets too annoying.
    Friend #2 is worse. I love her and we've known each other since we were babies, but these days, she is basically treating me and my other friend like dirt. She WON'T take responsibility for ANYTHING. If she's late for the bus, she says we left too early, or "why didn't you hold the Bus?!" And she only cares about herself. If I'm talking about a recent event that happened to me, she jumps in with something completely different that has to do with HERSELF. (Mind you, I ask her plenty of questions about her life) but does she give a crap about what is going on in mine? I want to politley confront her, but I know that if I do, then she will get upset, make a scene and think that me and my other firend are ganging up on her. Which is NOT what I would ever want to do. I used to love her as a friend and still do, but I'm getting tired, because she just does not seem to care at all about me. I just don't know what to say to her.

    Reply
29. 

    Sherry May 2, 2009 at 5:43 pm #

    No web site..What is a twitter…

    Be careful of friends who can and will hurt you..emotional and physically on purpose..My husband and I work hard..we have a friend who has gone through a lot of financial difficulty due to her own self annihilation with Drugs and alcohol..I do love her..but not the life style…As I wanted more for myself and husband we retreated more into work..and our faith..and worship..Many family and friends opted to help my friends financially..However I have seen this same set of friends..take from all there friends and family any money amount..they offered..paying there mortgage for months. However..they were slow in pay..even whne work would come a long they would say..WE DO NOT WORK ON WEEKENDS, (or Mon-Fri ) they even begged money off her mother who is living soley on SS..The did the same party..pary party..Well I asked her..about paying her friends back…she said she was in no hurry..I asked her to work a few weekends for good money..she would not…

    This is not my way of thinking..so I stayed away from them and begged off invatations..and I fell onto my path..I wanted to lead..However My husband missed the old crowd,,his men friends..in our camper circle..were good people..and we hung out at the campground..(in the summer on weekends occasionally..) Well Easter was on the way..I did not want to go…but he looked so pitiful..I finally said yes..

    I paid for it..

    I did not drink..I was still having fun..everyone was laughing and parting..however one lady sat with her back to me…speaking to one sole person..and everyone else were saying they missed me..the one sole person..was always the one in control of everything..and everyone..

    We went on a golf cart to go visit a friend..Two in the front and two of us on the back..

    Well I got thrown off..Broke three ribs..knocked the wind out of me..thought I was having a heart attack..we had to go home early.
    I think she did it on Purpose..because she did not like the way I left the group..for months..did not give our mutual friend a hand out..and she wants everyone to do what she says all the time..

    I laided there..almost unconcsious ..she never said she was sorry,..I have left that crazy group for good..

    You see for 5 years I could not walk..I had to go from a handicap scooter..to a wheel chair to a cane..and for 5 years I was in rehabilitation..strengthening my muscles around my spine.. They were not there for me..but I did not care..all I cared about was walking..

    NOw I have tingling in my arms again..my back and legs cramp up ..I scream at night with leg cramps..

    When my mind told me to NOT GO..I should have listened..I acutally turned around Friday night and came home…i did not want to go..but Saturday Morning after a night of my husband not speaking..I went..Next time I will listen to my consciecnce..
    I am paying the price in my neck and back and shoulders and legs..I can hardley do a fulls days work without coming home and hurting so bad..

    SO if anyone has reason to know your friends can hurt you…it is me..they can and will..I pray for a complete healing..in the meantime my spine is burning and if you have ever had an electric shock..this will give you a sence of the pain I am in..

    DO NOT TRUST ANYONE with your life..if they are driving you on a golf cart..go cart..or bicycle..they can cripple you..or take your life..one wrong move…and your hurt for life..

    Sherry

    Reply
30. 

    shelly May 7, 2009 at 12:58 pm #

    This article points out important points , but sound like it was both written by, and geared towards, 13 year olds.

    Reply
31. 

    Irene May 7, 2009 at 11:28 pm #

    OUCH, Sherry. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. If a friend has bad judgment, the risks of getting hurt—either emotionally or physically—are high.

    This is such a wonderfully honest and open thread. Bes, thanks again for your insights and support of healthy friendships!

    Best,
    Irene

    Reply
32. 

    faza June 25, 2009 at 2:49 am #

    i had one best frn…. thn i made frnship with other girl n thought of bringing her in our group so dat we vil be 3 frnzz…. ma first frn disagreed it, later after few dayz she accepted her as frn
    we were happy 2 yrz.. thn thy started talking with eachother leaving me….. 1 yr it waz ok i waz quite…. 2nd yr i waz mentally little disturbed … dat wat waz ma fault… thn in 3rd yr i got new frn coz i waz in need of … thn ma two frnz hated me for dat for few dayz…….. they tell y u came her go go to her….. go there……hm….. diz hurts me lotsssss………. diz'z d saddest part of ma life…. i dnt believe in frnship n hate who take it for granted…… bt i loved them lot… diz z d output….. only tearzz…. wen dey need me dey come….. n wen dey dnt … tata bye bye….diz z ma life…

    Reply
33. 

    Sally W July 2, 2009 at 10:14 am #

    I love this article. This is so real to me as I have a friend who is dear to me, who is the most inconsiderate person in the planet – and i know that.

    Thank you for this article, it's such an eye-opener and I think this will help so many people out there. I can relate to this very well myself, and now I know why sometimes the inconsiderate things she does to me are just so hurtful, and when I actually pinpoint the problem, she'll go away, pretend nothing happens or simply avoids me altogether until I approach her again. Sometimes, I'm afraid that I am stacking all these hurts inside me…

    But I must add though, when you love someone (platonic or romantic), just try to focus on the love, and it will take the sadness away by a bit – it's still as hard as hell and it probably won't stop the feeling of wanting to cry, but by loving someone it's easier to understand the fact that they are immature etc, also, it is easier to 'accept' them for who they are.

    Sally

    Reply
34. 

    bo November 6, 2009 at 1:32 pm #

    Was having an extremely hard situation with some friends and googled, and came across this. It was so helpful. I have a communications background and this made so much sense to me. Thank you for helping me through a difficult time.

    Reply
35. 

    frustrated December 18, 2009 at 3:32 am #

    Thank you for writing this article, Reasoner… It has been helpful. I am in just such a quandry. So forgive me while I vent (I really need someone to listen).

    I made a new friend about 8 months ago and at first it was like we were long lost sisters. She lives about and hour away, and sometimes I go spend weekends with her, but we mostly talk and email to stay in touch. But in the past two or three months her behavior has totally changed and I am starting to rethink whether or not I even want to be friends with her at all. She has become incredibly selfish, inconsiderate, and obstinate, all the while acting that nothing is wrong with her behavior. For example, she will call me several times everyday, and specifically at times when I've told her that I am not available (I rarely pick up during those times). When I do answer, she never asks if she's 'caught me at a good time' but will just launch into an hour or two hour conversation. If I say "this is not a good time" she usually acknowledges it but then keeps me on for 15 minutes or so (the whole time I'm saying "I gotta go" and she's saying "but wait I just have to tell you one thing"). And, she runs the conversation without letting me get a word in edgewise (I always have to interrupt to say anything). Typically, she will talk (and I will say 'uh huh') for about 20-30 minutes while she tells me about her day and her issues and everyone else's problems (people I don't even know), and then she will ask how I am doing. Once I've answered, regardless of what I need to talk about, within a few minutes she inevitably turns the conversation back to her problems. When I do get the chance to talk (when she is actually listening) she tries to solve my problems by giving me heavy-handed advice that borders on rude and is often unethical. She also judges my problems unfairly and is quite a hypocrite about it (I was dating two guys at once who knew about each other and were fine with it and the whole time she insisted I was cheating… now she's seeing three guys who do not know about each other and when I pointed out that she was cheating she bit my head off). If that wasn't bad enough, she is a know-it-all and I am always wrong about any little thing of which I might have knowledge or an opinion. When I point out the evidence, she ignores or dismisses it. She shuts me down all the time! Despite the fact that I have limited minutes on my cell, she will talk on end about things that are unimportant – like about her doctor's hobbies, that the neighbor's lawn is a mess, or that her cat is playing with a ball… it's usually endless drivel! When we are together for a visit, her behavior is not quite as egregious, but then it not great either. There are usually several times during each visit when I have to actively tell myself to keep my mouth shut or else find an excuse to get up and walk away from her. She doesn't know when to quit and rarely takes the hint that she should stop pushing pushing pushing all the time. If she's not pushing her advice on me, then she's cutting me off. Many times I've called her needing to suss something out and just get cut off: I wait patiently, while she talks about herself for 20+ minutes, for the moment when she asks how I am. More often than not I will start talking and suddenly there is some interruption that must be taken care of immediately and she's "got to go, sorry". It is so blatant it boggles my mind, and, when I pointed out this behavior to her, she totally denied it.

    However, when she has good days, she is a decent friend. There have been times when she was there for me and actually helped me deal with an issue (even though her involvement was heavy-handed). She sits my pets for me for when I go away (though I hate the fact that she re-trains my dog to her daft hand signals and hands him back to me covered in fleas in ticks). She is a great resource for me in several of my hobbies. And she lets me crash at her place (out in the country) when I need a break from the city.

    Other than that, there aren't a lot of positives there and I am at the point where I feel the need to really back off from this friendship. I have been trying to do so for a couple weeks now, but she is just not getting the hint. I never answer when she calls, but call her back only when I have time (every three days or so). Lately, when we talk on the phone, I barely say anything and offer nothing and she doesn't even seem to notice. She insists, instead, that I must be depressed and I should go get meds! I've been considering having a sit-down talk with her about these things, but she's just so damned stubborn that I think she would just deny everything. Worse still, she has got a temper (though she's never directed it at me before) and she just might lose it if I try to get her to really examine her behavior. I want to break it off and walk away, but I don't think she will let things go that easily. I had a friend like this about ten years ago who I had to 'leave' and that one punched a hole in my wall, broke into my house and stole a laptop, tried to sabotage my wedding, and slit the tires on my car.

    Do you have any advice for handling this situation? She is, btw, a 50 year old nurse; I am 45 and a college professor.

    Reply
36. 

    karla December 20, 2009 at 1:35 pm #

    very insightful but i had to point out that your writing style is a bit CLICHE. I felt like it was repetitive and your choice of diction in attempt to utilize pathos reminded me of a high school students persuasive essay. your supporting evidence was weak and did not fully base your thesis. some, i felt unnecessary, did not belong or did not relate. overall CHEESY. actually, as i reread your article, i realize it was a failed attempt of stating the obvious, with useless evidence, in order to persuade the reader. 1 out of 10.

    Reply
37. 

    Sarah January 23, 2010 at 9:02 am #

    very thought provoking. a few months ago i came across this article. and now funnily enough im back again, i wont bore on, however i appreciate the fact someone has taken the time to care about this subject as it obviously affects so many. there are lots of dangerous friendships out there, it takes a strong mind to blank out emotion. but then it takes a strong mind to deal with it. lack of communication and misunderstandings are my experiences. however i have left one friend behind, very self obsessed, with no time to reply to my attempts of chat. she only cared if she knew i had a dilemma. it was patronising she never let on how she was what she was up to. now my longest standing friend has always been fickle and now and then she seems distant, well iv always accepted this oh hoo blaa gotta go
    keep caring people x

    Reply
38. 

    sara May 2, 2010 at 4:23 pm #

    this article made me cry more
    I used to have a "friend" who only came to me (or her other friends) when she was depressed or sad or bored or wen she wanted to talk about herself
    we were really close but I got sick of her selfish inconsiderate behaviour n had a giant fight bout a month ago n we don't talk
    I've known her for an year, all her friends leave her n she always blames them for not being gud friend
    in truth it's her who sucks at friendships n relationships
    she cannever talk about anything except herself
    I m so terribly hurt n I can't get over her
    we were close but she just….I don't know I usually m the person who ends up getting used…

    Reply
39. 

    Abbie May 9, 2010 at 9:16 pm #

    Hi there,

    Just been reading through your article and the subsequent comments. Has proven a real relief as I have been questioning a friendship with someone for a while.

    A few incidences stick in my mind that have caused me much heartache, pain and anger.

    My friend and I have been friends for quite a number of years but things started to go wrong when I met a man and developed close feelings for. My friend and a couple of others saw changes in me (I have to say these changes were all to do with ME not the man I had met – I had just started doing volunteer work where I help those in emotional distress – this work has changed me to become more thoughtful about life and this manifested itself in me becoming more peaceful but it also meant that I had started to develop a real sense of self for the first time. These friends had been used to me having no life, no real positives, they were used to me sitting around being at THEIR beck and call.

    Anyway, things started to change which had an effect on the relationship I was having at that time. I felt very pressured by these friends to do what THEY thought was right, I transferred this pressure onto the man I had been seeing and, as such, the relationship ended. The pressure ws so bad that, one time, I was stood in the kitchen of one of these friends, and all three of them were stood around me whilst they threw opinion after opinion after opinion at me. I felt, quite literally, backed into a corner! I saw bullies and not friends. The relationship ended as I felt very, very obligated to follow through on what they thought I should do.

    I lost contact with this man for a few months but we did start chatting online and a friendship had begun. It was okay to begin with but I had real trouble getting him to come and see me. I had confided in this one friend about all of this and she seemed supportive until a few months later she took it upon herself to message him (via Facebook) behind my back (knowing that I would've obviously said no if she had asked me first!). I confronted her about it, she saw nothing wrong in what she did and she was very relunctant to let me see what she had said to him which distressed me as I felt I had a right to see what had been said about me. She eventually gave in and I was even more shocked when I saw what a poor light she had put me in; I looked desperate, lonely and, quite frankly, a "bunny-boiler" in the message she had sent to him.

    Naturally the friendship broke down completely; I explained to her that it wasn't about him, it was about the fact that she had betrayed me which distressed and angered me. Yet, she refused to see anything wrong, she refused to apologise. Christmas arrived not long after this and me along with these other friends (including her) met up to exchange presents. I had bought presents for her before all this happened but I wanted to do the right thing and give them to her anyway. She did not do the same (even after I had forgiven her later on I still never saw those presents – I am not materialistic and it wasn't the actual presents that upset me, it was the principal that I had still made an effort for her regardless yet she did not reciprocate).

    Eventually we put the incident behind us but the friendship still wore the scar of what had happened. About nine months ago I went out with these friends (including her) and I slipped up and broke my wrist. I had to insist that I went home despite their "don't be silly, you'll be fine" comments even though it was clear just how much agony I was in. One friend eventually drove me to A&E and stayed for only 10 minutes……my other friends knew that I had gone to hospital but no-one came to see me – I spent over 8 hours in A&E completely alone that night. My friend who I had problems with before didn't even come to see me once during the six weeks I was off work and in plaster – she did, admittedly have her own problems to deal with but over a six week period I would've thought she could spare 10 minutes to come and see me. I know I would've bent over backwards to make sure I had visited her if the tables had been turned.

    Since the breakdown of our friendship at Christmas 2008 I have tried and tried and tried to be the best friend I can be, but I have found her to be very difficult to deal with. Whenever I try and help her she dismisses everything I say to her (she doesn't have to agree, of course, with what I say but surely I deserve to be listened to and my efforts thanked instead of being pushed away?). Now I feel I cannot take much more of things. So thank you for the article and thank you for letting me comment (sorry it's a bit of a long story!!!).

    Reply
40. 

    Justin May 23, 2010 at 1:50 pm #

    Just a thought, how about we just treat people well regardless of what they do to us or how we perceive them. There is a saying "treat as man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as could be and we will become that." I also think that comes from My Fair Lady too. I think Eliza said something like Mr. Higgins treats me as a flower girl and thats all I will be to him. Col. treats me as a lady and I am such. Let's treat everyone like they're God and maybe we'll see a shift in our planet.

    Reply
41. 

    daniblossom June 10, 2010 at 5:07 am #

    This article really helped me.

    I am going through this situation right now with a long time friend of mine, someone I considered to be one of my three best friends. I find myself riddled with grief at the possibility that I may have to slowly end the friendship because of their selfish attitude. They are a good person, a fun person and I really care for them but the toll that their inconsiderate ways is taking on me is really beginning to wear me down. I have always said, "consider the person as a whole and either accept them as they are or walk away" and that is how I approach most circumstances. In this case, I always knew they were a little self-absorbed but it didn't really bother me until the past couple of months really. Now I have all of this repressed hostility and anger coming out and every little thing they do seems to set me off.

    The core issue of it is that I am a better friend to this person then they are to me. Considerably better. I go out of my way to do things for them all of the time. Honestly, I am really bad at standing my ground in any situation (friendships, relationships, work relationships etc) and I recognize that in me but I've never really taken it to be a character flaw until this situation started occurring. I now realize that being a doormat is only going to end up hurting me and others in the long run. I am never confrontational until I've had enough and by then people are so used to my never saying anything and being agreeable that they think I'm coming out of left field.

    I asked myself the other day, would this friend do x, y, or z for me? When it came down to it, really down to it, would they have my back if it meant compromising themselves? Would they choose to help me or take my side over that of some of their other friends? The sad answer was "no." I know in my heart that they wouldn't be there for me when the time came because they already show that kind of floundering commitment, in albeit smaller, but hurtful ways. I think the last thing I chose to confront her about was (admittedly) petty and downright juvenile but I had had enough. It seems to me like she is always seeking the approval of friends who are wishy washy and even insult her intelligence and think her interests are beneath them.

    What is worse is that when I tried to explain how I felt (after the initial fury of what started the whole thing going) she seemed to be unable to process my hurt feelings. Instead she made it about herself and accused me of attacking her character by insinuating that she was being rude. That part really spoke to me, it was like the nail in the coffin of my speculation. It was proof that I was right about the whole situation. She is completely self-interested. Even after I explained to her that I had other issues going on in my life right now, including my mom being very sick and issues with me feeling like I'm being left out of her life, feelings of general lonliness as people move on in life and I seem to feel stuck, she didn't bother to try to find out more or to sympathize other than to say that since she didn't know she couldn't have understood. She still hasn't bothered to ask me how my mom is doing or if I'm feeling okay. It's all about her and how I offended her.

    Right now I'm struggling with deciding what to do about the friendship. Should I just let it taper off or is it worth broaching the subject again? I'm not convinced that she wouldn't take it personally and make it about her own feelings instead of mine. I know it is largely about perceptions but I need to get a certain point across to her and I don't think bells are going off.

    Thank you for writing this, it helps shed some insight.

    Reply
42. 

    Kassandra June 16, 2010 at 12:47 pm #

    Hi Bes. My friend is a lot like the #4 and #3. She is always acting that way and trying to blame problems that she makes on the person who she gives the problem to, she never accepts the fact that she maybe in the wrong and when ever I try to point it out she tries to flip it back on me. If I tell her the issue that she has and how I don't like the fact that she treats me a certain way she goes off by cussing throwing rude comments and even putting me down. And she is very stubborn and wont apologize for anything. Why the other day we had a fight we are still not communicating with one another, I simply told her not to go see the movie Splice because I it was just plain nasty in a pornish way and I new she wouldn't like it. Plus I knew if the situation was reversed she would have told me not to go see it. So when I tell her that she says I ruined the whole movie and I told her everything about it when I didn't tell her anything. And then she starts yelling at me and cussing for no reason and when I try to tell her that I don't appreciate her treating me like that and friends aren't supposed to treat each other like that she once again goes off and uses stuff she knows about me to insult me and final I just crack and yell back at her and use what she said about how her dad doesn't treat her like a daughter and instead treat her as if she is one of his soldiers against her because she had used something horrible against me. In the end I got fed up with her attitude and told her when she is ready to apologize to come talk to me. And I am not sure if I should stay in a friendship like that with her anymore can you give me some advice?

    Reply
    • 

      Bes Zain June 18, 2010 at 5:08 am #

      Hey Kassandra, thank you for sharing your situation!

      That is indeed a very difficult situation to manage once you have both walked away in an angry manner. Does your friend bring you happiness? Do the quarrels, including the one over the movie Splice, happen often and bring you down? Are the overall bad things in your life dependent mainly, or in a big part, on how your friend and other similar friends act? If no, then you trying to fix the situation by asking your friend to apologize is a good step.

      If yes, then telling your friend to apologize can be a bad step. Is it easy for you to tel your friend to change her ways if she wants to keep friendship? Your friendship impacts your life, whether or not your friend realizes it. In the end, you should realize whether you would like to keep on going in such a friendship if she does not change, or if you would like to actually put a real ultimatum of parting ways if she does not change? I would really recommend the latter. Take your time, find your space, relax, take your mind off your friend and focus on something else, even if it means your friend and the fight will remain in the back of your head. You can repeat this cycle every time there is a fight, with hopefully your target goal being reducing the number of stressful elements and friends from your life and focusing on the happy ones and your life itself. In the end, you will realize such cycles will decrease as you will be getting close to fewer and fewer people, with your ultimate automatic reaction of blocking anyone who creates unnecessary drama in your life without any way for you to solve or resolve the drama. Remember, if you can try to change your friend, then do it. If she will not change, then you have full power to not stand around her when she jumps around in the mud.

      Friendship is supposed to bring either calmness or happiness, and in worst situations, absolutely nothing. However, if your friendship brings you anger, misery or hatred instead, then the friendship is a very risky one, and may be a harmful relationship.

      What do you think?

      Reply
43. 

    thrown away July 24, 2010 at 1:44 pm #

    hi bes..
    well there's a friend .. we play games together and stuff and one day she got a pet in the game and I really wanted it..
    but I didn't really look how to catch it but someday my other friend gave me the pet that my friend has.. I was really happy that I got it so I talked to my friend about stuff and she noticed that I got the same pet as her ,and she suddenly said
    I don't want ppl I knoe to have the same pet as me. and she suddenly logged off.. well also it's not our first time well her first time being selfish I guess. well anywas so Because well..like until today she had said many things to hurt me but I kept on beingnher friend.. but today I couldn't help my self but to say something.. I said it's not like only you can have what you want.your not the only human who wants stuff that other people have..and youre not the only human to have feelings..
    that's what I said..
    wait.. is it my fault that she's mad? should I like just disappear in her life? And also she would ignore me when she feels like ..
    like at school I said hi at in front of her waving my hand she would just frown and talk to her other friends…
    was I wrong to think that she's my friend? was I wrong to even think that I could at
    least make one friend in my life?
    I'm confused.. please help me

    Reply
44. 

    sleeplessinseattle August 26, 2010 at 1:26 am #

    I've stumbled across this article last night, and I've found it very insightful. As a 30 something adult, I find myself with just a very small circle of close friends, and over the last year or so I've been dealing with selfish and inconsiderate people. The two friends whom I'm referring have really made me question the whole concept of friendship, what it means to me, and if I'M a good friend.

    Friend A, This girl I've known since we've been in high school. Our friendship hasn't been conventional, ever. I've understood for many years that friend A has issues (with weight, self esteem, ect), so maybe all these years I've kind of allowed her to be a crappy friend because I've felt sorry for her. Maybe I'm a bad friend because I felt sorry for her. Do you feel sorry for friends? This friend has gone through about five career changes since I've known her, been to about six different colleges, short term, that her family has paid for. Lived on her own a handful of times, and each of those times she has ended up back living with her parents, AFTER they tried to bail her out each time, paying her rent, cat, ect. Her parents are close to retirement, and they've had to dip into their funds more than once for her, have several mortgages on their house, and she has no concern for the financial situation they've put themselves in to help her out. Friend A has always had boy troubles, mainly that no boy would go out with her. She's not ugly at all, but her excuse for never having a boyfriend is that she's overweight. When in fact I think her boy troubles are more in line with her overbearing and selfish personality. So, she makes up relationships, with any boy that will give her the time of day. She'll talk about how she's in love, talk about marriage literally right after she's met someone, and consume herself in these imaginary relationships. I don't think any of these guys she's talked about taking to the alter are even remotely interested in a relationship with her, I think they are just trying to be nice, and she's so desperate for a husband, she"ll misinterpreted this niceness as a sign of devotion. None of these guys ever stick around, she's actually been blocked from their facebook pages on more than one account. But she'll talk about these guys 'leaving her', and actually act like she's been in a committed relationship with them. This has been going on since we've been 18, I've been listening to her crying about each of these guys on the phone for hours at a time, several times a day. She's 32 now, so along with the crying about these imaginary relationships, she'll talk about 'ending it all', 'not being able to go on', 'having nothing to live for'. And of course, I call up her Mother to warn her Friend A is talking about suicide again. It's a vicious cycle, I try to help her, try to give her ideas about NOT being so aggressive upfront with these guys she meets. She never listens, she doesn't want to hear any of that, she only wants to blame her weight for the reason she's never had a boyfriend.

    I've been with my husband for 12 years, and I have a five and two year old. And years ago, I just stopped even discussing any of my problems with Friend A, she never listens and she'll just trivialize anything I tell her, because in her mind being married and staying at home with children is utopia, so why am I complaining, I must not appreciate my life. It's just really frustrating, and since this last time she's moved back in with her parents, rent free, I can't even seem to hold a semi-pleasant conversation on the phone with her. She's just so selfish and ungrateful, it makes me sick to listen to her spout off BS that she believes to be true. We can't even go get a coffee, or grab lunch together, she'll want, expect me to pay, even if she has money (which she always does). My husband works really, really hard for our family and he or I don't want to pay for Friend A's lunch or coffee because she feels entitled. I don't mind treating friends to lunch, but when Friend A has money, but simply feels entitled for me to pay, it makes me really mad.

    This is all I write for now, but thank you for listening! Or reading, I mean.

    Reply
45. 

    Favre Jerseys October 2, 2010 at 8:58 pm #

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    Reply
46. 

    Ayush Agrawal November 26, 2010 at 9:25 pm #

    Friendship is exclusive in each case, it can't be generalized so easily.

    Reply
47. 

    Jacqueline December 8, 2010 at 3:05 pm #

    I am so glad I fell upon your 5 signs… It moved me…. I resonated with what you thoughtfully shared…..I was moved by Ann's response too… I feel like I have stumbled among people who care, like I do….I am ending a friendship (Or what I thought was a friendship)This last injury hurt me deeply, and it will be the last one….I can count my real friends on one hand…Thank you for sharing… it was deep and touched my heart ….Jacqueline

    Reply
48. 

    Chase Gentry January 16, 2011 at 7:02 am #

    Very true story here!! I notice these behaviors in everyday life and between all types of people!

    Reply
49. 

    Jocasta Olivier March 8, 2011 at 4:04 am #

    I think this site is good and some of the comments i can relate too myself unfortunately. I have some friends and relations who come to me with their concerns and problems quite often and i try to listen and advise them best i can. But i have found when the boot is on the other foot so to speak they dismiss the issues i have which i find hurtful and annoying. I loaned a friend quite a large sum of money about 4 years ago as she had financial problems, she started to pay it back and then the payments stopped as she was moving to a new house but she said i will pay it back as soon i get settled in, that was 14 months ago one payment since then. She has told me she has since loaned another friend £300, i thought where is my money you owe me. She has also brought expensive items for her new home, i think it is good she is making her new home nice but i think she should pay my money back first, i feel i have been very easy going in not approaching her about the loan being paid back but if it not all paid back soon i feel i will have to say something. She is a very good friend and i have helped her out best i can, but there is a limit to my friendship with her i think.

    Reply
50. 

    Dan April 21, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

    Hi Bes, this article was very helpful to me. I don't know if you are still checking back on this post but I'll write anyways just in case you do still check on it. I've recently hit a big wall in my relationship I have with my best friend. I'm a high school senior now and I've known this friend for 5 years. I'm a guy she's a girl, but more like sisters and brothers. We hang out most of the time and we've grown close with each of our family members. For example, Kim's(not really her name) dad trusts me to take care of her and he wont let her out at night unless I tag along. He would buy me dinner and we would joke and all the family fun stuff. Kim knows my mother really well but not as close as how I'm with her mom. As senior year is almost ending, we've already got our college letters and which is the biggest concern for Kim at this point because of financial hardships. She's not so poor but she is in the lower middle class of the society… In my case I'm poor so the school I've been accepted has met all of my needs basically a full scholarship. Kim on the other hand wants to go to an art school but art schools are so expensive and very hard to afford. Kim whose a single child has been raised in a minor spoiled manner and in her eyes she has her mind set on going to an expensive school with the expectancy of her parents taking out $30000 worth of loans every years for Kim. The whole college process, as frustrating as it already is, have made Kim in a closure away from her parents.

    This attitude was really really unexpected and at the same painful and hurting because this was not the friend that I thought I knew. Due to my close bond with her mother, she asked me to hear her out on her thoughts on this because Kim would refuse to talk to her unless her. To me, as an outsider, I believe that both Kim and her parents have their own faults and they should blame themselves not each other. So I've convinced Kim's mom to sit down on this issue and to talk with Kim about this without getting so emotional and angry at each other. Her mother told me things about her financial difficulties concerning the loans and Kim's attitude that she is worried about. The mother also spilled her true feelings towards Kim that Kim herself does not know and would be best if she didn't. She wanted me to convince Kim to decide on the college decisions with her parents not by herself for her own sake and for the whole family because not only would this ruin, Kim's future, it will also hurt her parents.

    Coming from a already financially burdened family, I understood Kim's mom completely and in order for Kim to understand that I felt like I needed to tell her my own thoughts and convince her to talk it over with her parents.

    Later that week I've hung out with Kim and in the end of the day I slowly brought up the conversation and she said things that really made me angry. I told her that her parents love you and right now that she isn't listening to what other people are saying because she's so self consumed in her own stubbornness. At first she was just playing with her new 200 android while just giving me short annoyed answers like the "so what" and the "I don't care" Of course late on she reacted by saying things such as, "you don't know a thing about my life" and "how would you know how I feel" defense mechanisms (with quite a lot of f bombs). She even started to deny that it is ultimately a problem that she must deal with sooner or later. I personally am not a big fan of my own father and his methods but I do respect him for what he has sacrificed for me and knowing that Kim is completely inconsiderable towards what her parents feel, I've told her that she should grow up and actually care about their presence and the sacrifices they made for her. And I've made it clear that the reason I'm saying this to her was because she was my best friend and I didn't want to see her and her parents get hurt…

    Feeling completely disrespected, ignored, and hurt by the attitudes of my own best friend, I left her house with an angry face after telling her that if she didn't want to listen to what I have to say then I guess it's not worth being a nice and considerate friend.

    After this incident, I kept questing myself:

    Was I wrong in confronting her like this? Would she ever learn that being a brat and stubborn will slap her later on in the real world? People would tell me to just let her be and she would learn the hard way, not that it's hard in her position already… but I have always believed that a true friend would not just leave ones friend to rot and suffer like that. For the betterment of this friendship and Kim herself I thought it was a necessary risk to tell her what I've said. If good outcome to this is that, it wouldn't have much impact in my household and would possibly make this friendship stronger and happier and save Kim's family, the negative would be a good friend gone ex and her family left completely destroyed with me feeling totally guilty. I felt the need to weigh these pros and cons and chose to take the path to a happier ending in order to make this friendship work and last and leave high school with a good result.

    So Bes, any advice? Should feel bad about what I've done? Was I being a good considerate friend in doing so?

    Reply
    • 

      Dan April 21, 2011 at 10:00 pm #

      Lots of typos I hope you understand.

      Reply
51. 

    ShareKindness,Others May 3, 2011 at 11:01 am #

    In my class, everyone considers each other a "friend". Well, these "friends" of mine always sit in the same spot at our lunch table. Today, I was at the lunch room first, and decided to sit on the side they sit at. Well, once they got down there, they took one look at me and sat down as far away as possible. Ouch. That hurt. People did come and sit by me, but the four girls I had made an effort to sit by completely blew me off. This may seem like a petty matter, but this has been going on for months. At first, it was just being left out of small conversations, then I was ignored altogether. I have put up with it, thinking "oh, they're just used to being around the same people." Well, today, I realized that they are selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings. I know that I shouldn't care that these inconsiderate people are ignoring me, but it hurts. Bad. I'm not sure what to do. I've tried to talk to them, but I've been ignored. I have also texted and emailed them, but so far, no reply. Any suggestions?

    Reply
    • 

      Share Kindness, Othe May 16, 2011 at 11:21 am #

      Thanks for listening by the way. I just don't have many people to confide in.

      Reply
    • 

      ANynomus June 18, 2011 at 1:34 am #

      these girls are not your friends if they are treating you like this. don’t let them treat you unfairly, i’m sure you have other friends to hang out with who actually take consideration of your feelings. they obviously don’t know how to be kind to others if they are just going to be in a clique and ignore other people, especially when there’s an opportunity for new friends to hang out with.

      Reply
    • 

      csing October 11, 2011 at 1:14 am #

      ShareKindnessOthers – I would stop talking to them. Do not text or email mostly because you are hurting yourself at that point trying to reach out and getting nothing in return. Why other people do what they do is not your concern. Detach yourself from them so you will be able to be open to new friends/experiences. The pain will go away. Remember it’s better to be alone than be in bad relationships/friendships.

      Reply
      • 

        unknown - sorry. February 18, 2012 at 5:45 pm #

        csing – that is the most honest thing i’ve ever heard about a friendship, thanks ill take that onboard.

        Reply
    • 

      cryingnobody October 31, 2011 at 6:59 am #

      they may be the only people you see in school, but they are not the only people in life. Look for someone who would need you and want to be next to you, like a nerd or an ignored person. Don’t make fun of people too. And dont regret befriending these selfish people in the first place.

      Reply
52. 

    SA May 3, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

    I NOW KNOW THAT MY COUSIN WHOME I LOVED LIKE A SISTER JUST DIDNT LIKE ME.

    THANK YOU

    Reply
53. 

    Emu May 21, 2011 at 5:03 pm #

    Great article!

    Came up when searching about a selfish friend problem I am having for myself, she only ever comes to me when shes upset, or depressed, or wants to rant at me about something happening in her life.

    All conversations are one sided. I'm always giving support, and getting nothing in return!

    She exhausts me and makes me a negative person in the process! and thats NOT a good friend!

    She never once thinks to ask me about how I'm doing.

    Last straw came when I she came over unannounced ready to rant on about something we've discussed many times before, and I told her straight up look I am NOT in a good place today and cannot handle your problems on top of my own today!

    Didn't even penetrate her brain, and she continued on with her problem, never asking me about mine, just said "oh I'm sorry"… and cotinued on with her story. I asked her to leave cos I was feeling sick, and she left chiper as a bird with no concept of what had just gone on.

    The Phasing out period has started!

    (hey have you got an article on that? LOL)

    Reply
    • 

      Anynomus June 18, 2011 at 1:37 am #

      you need to talk to her and let her know that she needs to stop being self centered and actually care about what is going on in your personal life and how your doing as well. there needs to be a fair balance between you two. yes, you are probally ALWAYS there for her when she needs someone to rant and vent too, but you can’t always deal with her problems on ur shoulders. show her ways to release her problems and do things with her that will get her mind off it like running or painting or swimming. tell her how you really feel about the situation

      Reply
54. 

    LN June 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm #

    Hello Bes,

    thank you for a wonderful article. It really helps a lot. And I also like you pointing out that there's a difference between doing things consciously and unconsciously in your article.

    LN

    Reply
55. 

    abrarjunejo June 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm #

    Thanks man. Your article really helped. Its just I've helped alot of people and in return only got back stabbed. Lesson that I've learnt never, ever expect anything in return.

    Reply
56. 

    jass July 13, 2011 at 7:39 am #

    true.. i agree wid most of d facts about frnds told here..
    looking forward to read more of urs blogs..

    Reply
57. 

    Ihaveseenitall July 17, 2011 at 2:54 pm #

    I just had an experience with a group of people who acted so selfishly it was almost unbelievable. My brother died,without a will . Thr selfishness his daughter displayed was beyond comprehension. He had an estate worth well over the cost of funeral expense. This daughter proclaimed loudly that she was his “closet next of kin” and had a right make all the decision. After she distributed his property to her family members and friends, she claimed there was not enough to pay any of his funeral expenses. After trying to get the bill to sent to his elderly mother for payment, to no avail, she is no longer speaking to any of his family members. She says we should pay this bill because he is our brother. So much for “closes next kin”, she used to get to make all the decision. Not only is she selfish, she has a lot of damn nerve to think his family will pay for the privilege of her “speaking” to them.

    Reply
58. 

    navpreet kaur August 11, 2011 at 2:14 am #

    I agree with u . Really selfish frendz always think about their self , they did not think that those person how much hurt. They hurt so much they think in their life no love they fed up from their life . They always think negative. But selfish person always find way how they get their profit from them but they don’t think about them . I HATE THOSE PEOPLE SO DON’T MAKE RELATION WITH OTHER. ALL HURT U. BELEIVE ON GOD NOT ON PEOPLE . U LIVE ALONE .”IT IS BETTER CRYING ALONE THAN WITH THOSE FRENDZ OR PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE SAD BUT THEY ALONE THEY HAPPY”

    Reply
59. 

    Ale August 15, 2011 at 10:12 pm #

    This is every thing that my supposed best friend, Its hard being a good friend when the other only want to be your friend when she wants something and when everyone is tiered of her drama

    Thank you!!

    Reply
60. 

    kelli September 8, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

    I am a very happy outgoing person and everyone likes me, I tend to get taken advantage of. I let alot of things slide with a couple I hung out with until a week ago, which I know that they would not tolerate. It seems hipicricital to me. These ppl to make a long story short will come over to our home, drink fight with each other, get out of control and the last time they did this the guy caused 150 in damages to our place. I then asked that they repay for this and was willing to move on, but then once I did that they blocked me on FB after they said they would pay us bac. I felt it only right as if it was reverse which it would not be we would do that. These friends are very much like points: 3, 4 to a tee. I am sad that they have to be this way. But at the same time have taken so much drama the last 10 years from that. I think we just need to cut our ties. I really enjoyed hanging out with them but they cause alot of unessecary drama in our lives…I am 32 not 16 anymore. I guess a part of me is thinking this is my fault for letting bac in our lives after the last time…fool me once shame on you…this has been…like 5 times. So in writing this I am realizing that they are a problem and do not deserve our friendship. We are forgiving people and most times with them they use that against us because they know that. Thanks for this reading….I guess reading things like this helps my heart heal from loosing a friend but makes me realize at the same time that I am worth more then the issues they bring with having a friendship with them. I know this time I will not be fooled and go back to being friends with them, this is the final straw I am too good for this.

    Reply
    • 

      cryingnobody October 31, 2011 at 6:55 am #

      they have seriously drained away too much time from your life. You must find something to do to replace that. but its good anyway that you made a decision and left them. growing up with people like that can be tricky.

      Reply
61. 

    cryingnobody October 31, 2011 at 6:51 am #

    HELP!
    Everybody in my life is selfish. They are using me for the fact that if they dont they will either bully me, ignore me, and push me around, giving me mean looks and swaring. I have severe depression but they laugh over my cries. So I decided not to cry at school, even though I am in grade 10, but I have an emotional problem and want to help everybody in the world. But now I hate humans, and I couldn’t find a way to communicate with non-humans, especially objects : books, laptop, etc. because there opinions are limited (or maybe this is my imagination) So I realize that I need a real friend, not a fantasy creature in a vedio game. The friendly tips of “listen to people” only lead to what happens in this great article. Usually I like to befriend people who have a mental problem or are a little stupid (and this is not an insult) so that they don’t realize that they could use me. But now all my routes are cut off, because when I tried to stop this girl with a severe mental issue, at first I gave her a lot of support, but then I realized that she just gets weaker and bullied more, so I fought with her, and pretended that I am sick of her, and she cried a lot on that day, but after that she did get stronger a little. The other reason why I fought is because I was leaving anyway, and parting her suddenly would be too much for me. But on my last week before leaving the school, I met her, and tried to pretend that she’s just a normal classmate which I don’t like, but we both ended up crying. And I still carry regret until now and can’t stop thinking about her. I want to see her one more time to see if her probblems are solved and if she cured or not. She loves me forever, and so do I. but that still doesn’t solve any of my problems. Help would really be apprieciated

    Reply
62. 

    Lyn November 7, 2011 at 11:12 pm #

    One of my best friend can be categorized in no. 3 & 4 above. She really cares about her feeling so much and doesn’t care about others feeling. As i know her for about 4 years, she NEVER say sorry or apologizing me although she makes mistakes. Amazing, isn’t she? When my heart so pain because of her, i try to give some signal so that she would realize what she did. Unfortunately, its not worth it because she blame me that i had a bad behavior. Then, she will tell others to boycott me. I don’t know how much tears that i’ve cried. I’m so regret that i have friends like her. I’m confused why many people like her? I think because she is pretty. But other people who are not her BFF would love her very much. Not like me. She says that, ” Always wise to choose friends.” But for me, i said ” You always wise to choose friends but i am stupid enough to choose a friend like you”

    Reply
63. 

    Meera November 20, 2011 at 9:48 am #

    Dear Bes Zain you know i’m 30 yrs now… I had many TRUE FRIENDS before years… but after passing each year i felt it was not that much true… they had a true friend… that’s me… i was always there for everyone for everything… but now i’m very much hurt by knowing the truth that..i had no good friends… most of them are selfish creatures. They care about themselves. They all used me for their purposes. All these years i’ve wasted my time and money for them… I dont know how to move on even if i’m this much old… it’s very hard to get along with. Breaking with my love even did not hurt me this much. and now i’m alone… it sucks.

    Reply
    • 

      Bes Zain November 21, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

      Meera, thanks for sharing!

      Could you feel more comfortable realizing that every age group AND era in your life will have people like that?

      How many friends do you have right now compared to before, do you know?

      Reply
64. 

    Sharon Gentry December 20, 2011 at 5:30 pm #

    My best friend and also coworker of 7 years deleted me from her life saying that a psychic told her that i was a good friend but not a true one. She believed this elderly lady over me. My friend texted me and apparently put me to the test and asked me to call her psychic friend and wish her on her birthday,I did not have her number as i misplaced it and texted my best friend telling her so,she said she did not get my text and ended her friendship with me calling me a liar and someone that she could not count on. I pleaded with her even though I am totally innocent but she will not budge. The sad thing is that we have to occasionally work together. We are both in the medical field Thank you Sharon

    Reply
65. 

    Always There for Others January 29, 2012 at 9:58 am #

    This article hits home like a lightening bolt. It describes my once so called best friend exactly. My friend, I now realize takes pride in being selfish and narrow minded. For a long time she was having many problems, marital, illness, you name it she had it and guess who was always there for her? yes, me. 1 am, 2 am, 3 am, yes I do mean late nights, early mornings. I spent many sleepless nights texting and talking to her because she was just a mess. I went through it all with her… rushed to her side at 3 am one morning so she wouldn’t be at the side of the road alone because she had an accident and called to tell me. The day after Christmas 2010 one of my family member died and I asked her for five minutes of her time because I needed someone to talk to. She said she was busy but to give her a few minutes and she would call. She never did. For some stupid reason I forgave her and kept on being there for her anyway. Doing her favors etc. As her life started getting back on track she started pulling away, the better things got for her the more distant she became. Each time I asked her what is going on she would say nothing has changed in our friendship, it’s still the same. However, in December 2011 when I had some family issues and tried to talk to her she was just unresponsive… showed no compassion and then stopped communicating with me. If I texted her she would respond with a one word answer. Somehow, I managed to ask her why we no longer talk and she said it’s because we do not have anything in common and our friendship is situational. This coming from someone who, when she needed me said that we had so much in common.

    This sort of behavior is hurtful and deceptive especially when you give your all to the friendship, respect the friendship, and trust your so called friend. The horrible thing about situations like this is that these kinds of friends do the same thing over and over to several people they call friends and get away with it.

    Reply
    • 

      Nancy February 3, 2012 at 3:24 pm #

      Please know that the one honest to goodness friend we will always have is Jesus Christ the Lord.
      If you do not know Him as your Lord and Savior, I pray that someday you will. Call upon Him….He is there for you and will guide you into relationships that will be good for you. But please know that even within the christian community there is alot of selfishness. This is why I say that Jesus Christ is the best friend anyone can ever have. He is the only one that can absorb our problems. Please cannot completely do this for us and we cannot do it for them. It is good to have communication with other people (this is what humanity is all about), but human beings are so limited. They do not come close to MY BIG GOD!!! But I do enjoy the presence and friendship of people. But I know that they and I am not the Answer. I am only apart of the puzzle, not the complete puzzle, and so is everyone else. Together we can truly make a difference in each others life. This is what it means to be apart of the body of Christ. God bless you, I prayed for you that you would find Him if you don’t have Him already in your life. Remember…He (God and Jesus) loves you very much!

      Reply
66. 

    unknown - sorry. February 18, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

    thanks for the help man much appreciated

    Reply
67. 

    marg February 27, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

    Interesting. Enjoyed reading it!!

    Reply
68. 

    Not available March 1, 2012 at 6:27 am #

    I have a friend who hates homosexuals. She doesn’t know about me yet, but I can tell that if she found out, she probably wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I don’t want to dismiss her as a bad friend because she is like a sister to me, but I am not sure how much longer I can keep… Basically lying to her. I really hate feeling like I have to keep something from someone who is so important to me. And whenever she starts saying how homosexuality is wrong, it really hurts. Anybody else have this problem? Or is it just me?

    Reply
69. 

    Patti March 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

    I have very few friends for this very reason. I’m 52 years old. Not really unhappy at this point, because I have decided that it is too much work to find a good friend. My husband and I are good for each other. So I feel fortunate. However we have some family who are selfish and we feel guilty for shutting them out of our life. How do we deal with this?

    Reply
70. 

    WistfulWhitney March 17, 2012 at 11:01 am #

    I love this article because it reveals some truths that i wanted to ignore. Recently the straw on the camel’s back broke and i felt completely abandoned by a ‘friend’ of almost seven years. Im 19 and my grandma had been living with me and my mom for my entire life and she recently passed away from tonsil cancer. Her funeral was two weeks ago and my ‘friend’ didn’t even show up. Her MOTHER had to whisper in my ear that she was babysitting….which my mom rolled her eyes at. I foolishly gave her the benefit of the doubt until the rest of the day passed and she didn’t call…not even once. If her grandma died i wouldve called and tried to console her, even go to her house since we live 15 damn minutes away from each other. I had to go on facebook to see pics of her going to panera the very next day and enjoying time with her friends and reading all her stupid statuses about what she’s doing this week. I simply had enough and blocked her….she’s a terrible friend who changed drastically when we went to different colleges. I didnt really pay attention to her changes until other people started pointing them out to me…she’s now reckless, irritating and a snob, something she never was before. I also notice that she now hang out with a lot of the rude and annoying girls she used to dislike in highschool….it’s true what they say that those around you are a reflection of who you are. I’m over this friendship and i know she’s gonna call me in a few weeks asking what my summer plans are, as though i forgot that she didn’t go to my grandmother’s funeral. Well too bad for her, now that it’s just my mom and I , my mom wants to start fresh and is moving to a new city(same state) so I won’t be there when she wants to hang out and I don’t want her bothering me when we move. As a more reserved person…introverted, i don’t have a lot of friends merely because i cant stand falseness and would rather be alone than hang out with people who I have to kiss their feet so they can like me(a lot of people in my town are like that). And another thing, these ‘friends’ only come around when they want to do something on THEIR time or something that fits THEIR bust schedule, my life does not revolve around when you can and cannot go to the movies or blah blah blah, it’s irritating and superficial. I’m over gossiping with you fools and never having serious conversations. Friends are suppose to be there always in the most serious or the most silly situations, not just superficial talk about who’s dating who and why. I’m not saying gossiping is bad, it’s something girlfriends do, but that can’t be the basis of a friendship and I’m finally over it. For now and always my best friend is my mom, but I realize the importance of having friends away from home as well, and i hope as i move on to my sophomore year of college, i’ll shed some of my shyness and make new, REAL, friends for life. And to the all those ‘friends’ that i leave behind, enjoy being phony together, because when it all crumbles, I won’t be there to pick of the already chipped pieces.
    Thanks for listening to me rant, i just don’t have any real close friends that i can rant to about this.

    Reply
    • 

      SHARRY March 20, 2012 at 10:22 am #

      Some friends are not meant to last a lifetime, only for a season or two, or maybe longer…
      at age 50 it still hurts when people let me down. Forgive them! (forgiveness doesn’t mean you have lunch dates and talk everyday on the phone) it means you wish them no ill will. This frees you to meet other who will bring joy into your life.
      Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they brought happiness to you…for a while anyway. Something or someone greater is waiting….

      Reply
      • 

        WistfulWhitney March 31, 2012 at 11:22 am #

        Thank you:) That makes so much sense, in order for me to move on i must forgive them and be at peace with myself…the whole world is waiting afterall

        Reply
71. 

    dfghjkj March 27, 2012 at 1:08 pm #

    I was friends with these people for a year and only now I realize how hurtful they are. My “friend” put the blame on me for missing a deadline even though what she says is a lie and now she acts like she’s my friend. My other “friend” starts making her status on BBM about me saying to her face if I have a problem (indirectly) and they’re all just a bunch of snobs who think they run the place

    Reply
72. 

    Taylor April 16, 2012 at 4:55 pm #

    I have friends who subtly put me down and are just miserable to be around. I never realized this before, but when I was around them I would always put up this fake facade (big smiles and everything) to try and impress them. Now I couldn’t give a care.

    Reply
    • 

      Bes Zain April 16, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

      Thanks for sharing, Taylor!

      Glad you’re over it – not caring, complaining about or even letting it bother you a lot (or at all) when thinking about it is what your goal should be.

      Then it just becomes another thing in life, like walking and seeing people on the way that have no effect on you other than to (hopefully) make you think something interesting.

      Reply
73. 

    Shaina April 24, 2012 at 7:27 pm #

    This kinda helped me out but I cant decide. My best friend only talks to me when she needs me. Before at the beginning of our friendship we would hang out so much but now when I ask if she wants to hangout she always says no. But with other people she can set time aside with them. Should I just let this go or confront her? I tried to confront her about it a month ago and she said a few things for about a week than just stopped talking to me about it.

    Reply
    • 

      WistfulWhitney May 1, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

      That’s exactly how my ‘friend’ is. I’m not gonna completely drop her but i’m gonna tell her how i feel. She recently texted me after having not spoken to me for a few months especially after my grandma died. Now all of a sudden since it’s summer she wants to hang out, no freaking way. If i do see her i’m just going to be real and tell her that she was not a real friend, period. There comes a point where a persons ignorance of them hurting your feelings and them not caring becomes apparent. I see her on fb all the time doing crap with her new friends but can never make time for her ‘bestfriend’. I’m over it and thank God I’ve recently made really good friends in college, people who are not necessarily like me but we just mesh so well and they are so real and kind. Now that i have real friends in my life, i realize she was never real to begin with…i was always the last one to know anything happening in her life and still am, yet she and her freaking mother always want to know what’s happening with me and my mom…so incredibly fake. And recently i confided in another friend on what i wanted to say and she told me i was being immature and fake and that i should reconcile with the other girl and i promptly told her that idgaf what she thinks and she is just as fake as the rest, only calling me to complain about some pseudo boyfriend and getting upset with me when i gave her advice. Truthfully im over the whole thing and am looking forward to moving to another city this summer. I don’t care if i burn these few insignificant bridges anymore, there are stronger ones waiting for me in the future.

      Reply
      • 

        Bes Zain May 1, 2012 at 7:27 pm #

        Seasonal Friends (based on actual seasons or time of need) is what almost all “friendships” are about.

        Reply
    • 

      WistfulWhitney May 1, 2012 at 12:19 pm #

      Also don’t be afraid to find new and real genuine friends and don’t hang onto the threads of fakeness like i did for so long. Definitely talk to her about it though.

      Reply
      • 

        Bes Zain May 1, 2012 at 7:26 pm #

        Thanks Whitney!

        Yes indeed: talk to her directly. It’s a talk: don’t demand things (she has her own life like you do). Be ready to move on completely – time to find new friends OR ways to make your life happier for you.

        Reply
    • 

      Bes Zain May 1, 2012 at 7:13 pm #

      Thanks for the comment, Shaina!

      Talk to her, instead of confronting. Ask her directly, and be ready to walk away. You want to make your life better, and not stop it or change it for the worse just to suit someone else who is not willing to do the same.

      Sure, real “love” means doing something selflessly, but it’s ok in my view to be selfish too when it comes to wanting something back from any relationship.

      Remember this though: you don’t owe your life to that other person, and that other person thinks the same. You called her “best friend” – start thinking as to whether she is your “best friend” still after how she acts, and if she’ll be like this forever.

      Reply
74. 

    Zig Ziglar May 24, 2012 at 1:01 am #

    I went on this site looking for validation that my (ex-)best friend was selfish, but I think most of these could apply to my treatment of him as well. Interesting…

    Reply
75. 

    mlvt June 11, 2012 at 6:41 pm #

    Enjoyed reading this!

    Reply
76. 

    Misskitty June 28, 2012 at 6:10 am #

    Wow. Three and four are exactly the friend I’m dealing with now. Every time there’s an issue he turns it around and gives me some blame, points out something wrong that I did, too, even when I’m clearly hurt or the victim of his inconsiderate nature. He’s constantly putting me down to be right and will argue every step of the way with everyone solely for the purpose of being right. He’ll never listen to me about how I feel about him hurting me or issues I feel strongly about concerning him and his hurtful nature, and he’ll think I’m wrong and crazy and emotional, and won’t listen at all, instead not saying anything or putting the blame on me. It’s so frustrating. He’s selfish and a bad friend! He’s not a real man!

    Reply
77. 

    Fredrik July 23, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    Woman.. (plural)

    No but seriously, all of these categories describe _people_ who are not friends. they’re just people whom you/the observer does not compute with. Simple as that. If i had a “friend” do something that could be described as by any of these categories, he/she wouldn’t be my friend, it’d be my family (haha). So what I’m getting at here is that as you where saying in the beginning of your article (and this is a – “I see dead people” or – “you’re in one” moment) you seem to call people friends when they’re really not.

    In conclusion, don’t try and change people, it can happen but for people such as this it takes not years but decades and so is not feasible for you to tackle. Besides change comes from within thus if they are ever going to change they will do so by living out their lives. Perhaps they will notice the rational portion of society slowly shying away. Maybe then they’ll realize that they’re not so great. Point being; no one can be told who they are, they have to see it for themselves.

    Since this is somewhat of a DIY self improvement type article I though I’d contribute by mentioning that I’ve found the more hands off approach to relationships to be preferable, the “we need to talk” should be and is unnecessary in a healthy relationship be it friends or otherwise things should be solvable with just a few words the day after, in the car or wherever. Casual.

    As for why am here raving about, I was looking for information pertaining Civ5 and stumbled across this for some peculiar reason, anyway, as i consider (and proud) myself as being a reasonable person cut slightly above average this here article/url caught my eye. Anyway keep on being considerate, it’s a good thing, but also, keep in mind that being overly considerate can have a detrimental effect to everyone, including oneself.

    Reply
78. 

    Some guy July 26, 2012 at 2:14 am #

    I have this friend who never does anything for anyone else after parties they leave their litter all over other peoples houses/ rappers generally abusing her ex boyfriend like throwing a cereal box at his head and making sly comments (which he pretended to laugh off), so after maybe 3-4 years of knowing them in a conversation with me another friend she asked what don’t people like about her (when we went on a trip together to meet some friends at which she slept in every day didn’t help clean up once) So after being a bit fed up after dong everything I said “I was a little annoyed that she hadn’t heaped me do the dishes” I’m paraphrasing not trying to show myself in a better light, then after that she said was there anything so I then said that “I remember most of the things you say about youself and you do tell people different stories to make yourself look better” I said it in a nicer way more like I notice the inconsistencies between what you say to different people (not about herself trying to make herself look better, just in general) We decided that we weren’t going to tell anyone else before it was resolved but now I know she’s been talking about me behind my back no doubt exaggerating everything to our mutual friends and actively avoiding me… what should I do, I don’t want her to hate me but I feel as though I’m not going to back down from my comments because they are true and that maybe I shouldn’t be friends with her anymore (I’ve only talked about it with one other friend of mine (the one who was there with us on the trip) and she tends to agree with me but doesn’t say anything. After 3 actually it’s longer than that about 4 and a half years I know that I’m right. So much Drama you don’t want to know what else she does to other people… Sorry for the rant I haven’t really talked about it, It feels like I’m lifting a weight off my shoulders thanks

    Reply
79. 

    Attila August 25, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

    So.. I had a friend I met in the 5th grade. We were inseparable for many years after. She went boy crazy and problem insude. I was only needed in times of need for her and yet belittle behind my back and indescretly to my face. So 13 yrs later I still see her name or hear of her through others. And granted she still passes my thoughts, considering the loyalty I bestowed her, we are no longer friends after she stole and went through with and/or tried sleeping with two of my bf…
    My question is, would you or could you still be friends with such a person?

    Reply
80. 

    Mitchell September 24, 2012 at 6:44 pm #

    So true espically if they go Hot and Cold with you and are Hypocritical, Double Standard and Lie.

    Also they play stupid games like pretend they dont remember stuff and say one thing do another, preach high standards and make out there the Virgin Mary but do the opposite etc. And most of all play the blame game and scapegoat game as it is easier that way.

    Also note dump you as a friend because its convenient and are shallow as well

    Reply
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